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Relationships

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Original poster

Kids adjusting to new partner’s kids

77 replies

YourRealSwan · 31/03/2025 10:41

How can you help your kids adjust to a new partner’s dc? My dc are 12 &15 and partners are 6, 11 &13. For the most part they do ok with the older two but are struggling with the youngest. She is very loud full on, and unfortunately lacks a lot of self restraint, never had any rules or discipline. My partner’s ex is trying to demand we have the kids 50/50, I have mine 12 nights a fortnight. Mine are not liking that idea. I have said it would get better and that I am entitled to happiness too… but how do you manage and adjust or is it just all in the too hard basket?

OP posts:

Whooowhooohoo · 31/03/2025 11:23

Are you living together?
whose house ?

And do you have room for 5 kids and yours not sharing with his? Or sharing ?

There will need to be agreed joint rules.

Youcalyptus · 31/03/2025 11:25

Why would you not just wait 10 years until you have a little more freedom and you've given your own children that bit more stability and security? I could never force my children to live in their home with someone they didn't know. It's distressing on a really deep animal level. People non related to you smell wrong.

ERthree · 31/03/2025 11:29

I feel for your poor children. They need you not your boyfriend and his children and his poor children need to see him not you and your children. Five children with a chaotic life because the adults can't put them first.

ItGhoul · 31/03/2025 11:33

This isn't going to work and you need to each have your own place.

First of all, why is your partner's ex having to 'demand' that your partner looks after his own children for 50% of the time? They are 50% his kids. Surely he should want to have them 50% of the time.

Your kids are not obliged to want to spend time with three other kids they haven't chosen to hang out with and I personally don't think it's fair on a pair of teenagers to have to deal with going from being in two-kid household to a five-kid household 50% of the time. How many bedrooms does your house have? Who has to share rooms with who? It's really unfair to make a couple of teenagers start sharing with step-siblings.

Equally, your partner's kids should be able to spend 50% of their time with their father, because he is just as much their parent as their mother is, and that shouldn't be vetoed by the kids of their dad's girlfriend.

Essentially, you and your partner need live separately see less of each other as that is clearly the better option for all five kids involved.

firkinn · 31/03/2025 11:34

If you don’t prioritise your kids you’re on a one way track to having a rubbish relationship with them when you’re older - as PP said you don’t deserve happiness at the expense of your children’s.

You had DC, that’s a commitment. Especially when they’re still children, they should be prioritised instead of suddenly having to had three new siblings half
the time. Your partner can’t be all that if he’s not willing to have his DC 50/50 - is someone like that worth putting above your kids?

Gettingbysomehow · 31/03/2025 11:35

There is no way I'd do that to my children. Three kids is too many.

Chewbecca · 31/03/2025 11:35

Don't try.
Live separately, date when you can.
Focus on the remainder of your DC's childhood, it's a difficult enough time for them as it is.
Revisit in 5 years or so.

DaisyChain505 · 31/03/2025 11:36

Seeing as this is a new partner and you’re not living together you shouldn’t be forcing the children together.

See your boyfriend on the days you don’t have your children and if he’s has days where he doesn’t have his children but you have yours, go out in the evening for an hour or two. Your children are old enough to stay at home for a while whilst you’re down the road having dinner etc.

Stop trying to force these children on your own. They’ve had to deal with you having a new partner to start with, give them some time to settle with that situation before making it more complicated.

No teenager wants to be forced to spend time with a much younger child who as you’ve said it quite full on.

i see that you’ve said WE have been asked to have 50/50. This is a new relationship, your partner has been asked to have his children 50/50. Not you.

arcticpandas · 31/03/2025 11:37

Don't live together. Put your children first, they will soon be adults and you can put yourself first.

Ariel896 · 31/03/2025 11:38

I would never be happy if my kids were unhappy! I can’t believe you think that’s ok to say you’re entitled to happiness to? But at the expense of your poor children. It isn’t their fault that your partner has raised a twat

DistinctlyDisgruntled · 31/03/2025 11:40

Youcalyptus · 31/03/2025 11:25

This is so interesting! I love my SC and we all get on well but they do smell “wrong” to me.

Chuchoter · 31/03/2025 11:42

Your children's ages are at a time where they are experiencing hormonal changes and now you expect them to accept someone else's children?

You are portraying them with this horrible notion of trying to blend your families.

You make sure you do not live together so that your children are secure in their own homes and you date each other when your children are away at their respective fathers.

You chose to have children and their welfare comes before yours.

QuickPeachPoet · 31/03/2025 11:51

I am entitled to happiness?
How horribly selfish. If your 'happiness' comes at the expense of seeing your own children's lives ruined by a spoilt brat they don't want to be around let alone live with, then your priorities are way off. Date the guy if you must. Don't live with him.

FortyElephants · 31/03/2025 11:53

Live separately and don't impose a whole new family on your kids half the time?!

sassyduck · 31/03/2025 17:09

I feel very sorry for these kids being forced together because their parents don't put them first. How selfish of you.

TinyFlamingo · 31/03/2025 17:22

Your kids will have exams soon and need to just be for a bit and not be sabotaged - it's a critical time.

Let him sort his life out with 50/50 and once settled and your kids are through exams revisit. It's such a short time in the grand scheme of things and having 50% parent focused time and 50% together time is no bad thjng.

Don't rush blended families it always backfires. They are people who will like and not like people, that's ok. Slow the pace down and leave it a bit.

TinyFlamingo · 31/03/2025 17:24

I'd not find a man attractive if he didn't have his kids equally or as close to it as possible.
It's a deal breaker!

Snorlaxo · 31/03/2025 17:27

You do deserve happiness but you can’t guarantee that it will get better.
Is there enough space for everyone ? I wouldn’t blame the kids for being unimpressed if they have to start sharing a room or tolerating other kids who are wildly different in temperament.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 31/03/2025 17:28

Oh God sounds awful forcing your 2 to be besties with the older 2 if they arrgu your going to be pissed off so they don't know how to behave. Isnt fair. Tell ex if he has them.50.50 no maintenance 🤷 alt weekends 1 night in the week

Snorlaxo · 31/03/2025 17:29

Have you considered how difficult it will be living with a 6 year old who is (and will never be) disciplined? The other 4 kids aren’t going to accept discipline if the youngest is exempt from it and it’s only going to get worse over time.

Personally I would stay together but live separately for everyone’s sanity.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 31/03/2025 17:30

Just see him on the days he has no kids. He needs to get to know you nit the kids or the mum version of you. I always say i am 2 people mum version of myself and then me. And a new partner needs to know you vice versa. Don't involve the kids

tastethestrongbow · 31/03/2025 17:31

@YourRealSwantheres not enough information.

How long have you been together?

I assume you live together so who moved in with who and what’s the sleeping arrangements?

Why doesn’t your partner already have 50/50 care of his children?

Ultimately your kids and his come first so if it doesn’t work then you can’t all live together.

FuckityFux · 31/03/2025 17:33

WTF? No, you’re not entitled to happiness at the expense of your own children. They’re not children for very long so surely it’s not that much of a hardship to put them first?

Why can’t you live separately until your kids have left home?

Littlebassist · 31/03/2025 17:37

How long have you been together? How long have the kids known each other?
I’d be tempted to make the case that the youngest will improve when she spends more time in a family with more structure.

CosyLemur · 31/03/2025 17:37

WOW!
Firstly: You sound like my ex's partner! However little he has our kids it's always too much for her and her kids; to the point he's seen them 3 times since Christmas and won't be seeing them at all over Easter because her kids have to come first!
Secondly: no 12 or 15 year old is going to find it easy to be around a 6 year old!
Thirdly: it sounds like your partner and his kids would be much better off without you!

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