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Original poster

Kids adjusting to new partner’s kids

77 replies

YourRealSwan · 31/03/2025 10:41

How can you help your kids adjust to a new partner’s dc? My dc are 12 &15 and partners are 6, 11 &13. For the most part they do ok with the older two but are struggling with the youngest. She is very loud full on, and unfortunately lacks a lot of self restraint, never had any rules or discipline. My partner’s ex is trying to demand we have the kids 50/50, I have mine 12 nights a fortnight. Mine are not liking that idea. I have said it would get better and that I am entitled to happiness too… but how do you manage and adjust or is it just all in the too hard basket?

OP posts:
Teaandtoastserveddaily · 31/03/2025 17:39

There's absolutely no reason at all for your kids to ever need to interact with his kids.

Sorry, but when you had children you knew you'd always need to prioritise them.

Blended families are always for the parents' benefit, how would you like it if you randomly had to move in with a load of randomers you didn't know??

Tiswa · 31/03/2025 17:40

How new? And do you live together.

bit generally yes it is managing seeing him without living together if your kids find it too much

HobbyHorse30 · 31/03/2025 17:43

Is there a reason why your partner’s name x “demanding” he has his own children 50:50 is a problem, other than the fact that it’s disrupting your plans for happy families?

His children should be his absolute priority and your children should be yours; neither of you are entitled to happiness at the expense of your children’s

HobbyHorse30 · 31/03/2025 17:43

HobbyHorse30 · 31/03/2025 17:43

Is there a reason why your partner’s name x “demanding” he has his own children 50:50 is a problem, other than the fact that it’s disrupting your plans for happy families?

His children should be his absolute priority and your children should be yours; neither of you are entitled to happiness at the expense of your children’s

Partners ex, that should say

User5274959 · 31/03/2025 17:47

What's in this for your kids and his?
Other than "your happiness" at the expense of theirs?

They're teenagers, it won't be that long before they might leave home or be independent. Why force a new 6yo sibling on them.

And that poor 6yo already has two older siblings who probably find them annoying; they don't want 2 more do they?!

KmcK87 · 31/03/2025 18:09

You need to answer the questions you’ve been asked for us to make a reasonable judgement on this.
But it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom the way everyone is making out and it doesn’t mean your children will hate you 🙄 children can find their full siblings annoying but it’s just part of life unfortunately.
I was in a similar situation to you, partners daughter was/is wild and antagonised my child. We didn’t move in together for 4 years after meeting, we point blank refused to force any of the children to share rooms but they were made aware that this relationship wasn’t going anywhere and if they couldn’t get on then they get out of each others way. Making sure they all had their own space was priority. We’ve now been living together 4 years and the children all get on ok. They aren’t best friends by any means and they probably don’t really have much of a bond but everyone is happy.

Thatsenoughadulting · 31/03/2025 18:19

A mother shouldn't have to demand a father see his kids 50:50, any decent dad should want that anyway. Your kids shouldn't get a say in that. He can't not see his kids because your kids don't get on with one of them. At the same time you shouldn't be forcing a relationship between them. The sensible thing to do would be to keep the kids separate and see each other when his kids aren't there. Given that his parenting seems to be pretty poor it would be a terrible idea to even think about living together. Having different parenting styles, especially when one includes a lack of rules and discipline will only end in disaster. Actually, I'd find a father like that a bit of a turn off to be honest.

thatsgotit · 31/03/2025 18:23

Underthepalmtree · 31/03/2025 10:54

The ex is trying to demand their dad has them 50/50?

You mean she's actually wanting him to step up and be a parent? what a shocker. Obviously this doesn't work for you so you'd like him to see his kids less to make your life easier.

You're not entitled to happiness at the expense of your children's stability in their own home. Give your head a wobble.

I suspect all the kids in this situation are going to be miserable at the expense of the adults happiness. 🙄

Then again, it could be that the ex is the one who'd like to see her kids less to make her life easier, given that she's pushing for 50/50.

Not all exes are saints. Just saying.

Ponderingwindow · 31/03/2025 18:26

If he is a new partner, there should be no we. If you have been dating for a year or two and it’s finally time to introduce the children, there is no reason your children need to spend significant time with his to start. By the time everyone has gotten to know one another enough that you could think about cohabitation, the oldest will likely be moving out anyway.

RawBloomers · 31/03/2025 18:47

Not encouraging a a father (let alone resisting) to have his children 50% of the time if he’s a decent parent because you don’t like it would be abhorrent in most circumstances and nothing about your post suggests this is a special case. The ex shouldn’t have to be “pushing” him to take So I think you do have to accept that he comes with his kids half the time as a package and be aware that that might change to full time should something happen re: their mum.

But that doesn’t mean you (and your children) should be in the same house if the environment makes some of you unhappy. While you have the power to make them accept it, morally it’s an abysmal way to treat your kids. Your entitlement to happiness is not greater than theirs and many people (me included), would say that for the next few years, it is significantly less.

So I think you should be seriously considering whether you should blend these families in the same house.

Having said that, if you can make things good for everyone then that would obviously be a good thing. So a few questions: What exactly does the younger one do that your DC struggle with? Do your kids have their own rooms they can easily retreat to and entertain friends in? Is the younger one pulled up when she acts unreasonably? You say she’s never had any rules and discipline but does she have them at your house? Does her father actively parent her and insist she treats everyone in the house with respect? Do you make sure you have time with your kids when your DP and his kids aren’t around? Are there any good times where your older ones enjoy time with the younger one that you could build on? And while the focus is on her, it’s also important to consider what the relationship is really like with the other kids - does it just seem okay because it’s not as awful as with the younger one, or do they really get on well in a way that isn’t likely to blow up a few years?

CopperWhite · 31/03/2025 18:52

You each keep your own homes and don’t force your children into a difficult situation for the sake of your love life. If the relationship is the right one, you can wait until your children have grown up before you live together.

ruddygreattiger · 31/03/2025 19:15

Tell you what op, get some of your mates to suggest 3 random people that you don't know to move in with you, and see how happy that makes you. That is exactly what you are expecting your kids to tolerate. Ffs.

CliantheLang · 31/03/2025 20:27

thatsgotit · 31/03/2025 18:23

Then again, it could be that the ex is the one who'd like to see her kids less to make her life easier, given that she's pushing for 50/50.

Not all exes are saints. Just saying.

Show quote history

Hilarious. How dare a mere woman expect her lordly ex to parent his own children half the time!
She's no saint, I tell ya.

Goldbar · 31/03/2025 20:31

The way you deal with an annoying 6yo is to wait for them to grow up. 7 years should do it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 31/03/2025 20:37

The ex is 'demanding' he does only 50% of the parenting? What is that language?! Was he 'demanding' she did 80-90% before and she's got fed up?

SapphOhNo · 31/03/2025 20:42

Your kids happiness and wellbeing is more. important than you wanting to live with a bf.

Roxysmammy · 01/04/2025 09:58

OP, once you become a mother, you are not entitled to happiness at your kids expense. A man with 3 kids? What a bloody catch!

@KmcK87 you are a shit mother. "They were made aware that the relationship wasn't going anywhere and if they couldn't get on they had to get out of each others way", really? Just for a bit of cock, a bit of company and an extra income (because let's face it, I bet your DP is hardly anything special!). You sound just as bad as OP. Oh and your kids aren't "happy", they just begrudgingly tolerate your DP's little b**s because sadly they don't have a choice. Poor kids.

KmcK87 · 01/04/2025 13:20

Roxysmammy · 01/04/2025 09:58

OP, once you become a mother, you are not entitled to happiness at your kids expense. A man with 3 kids? What a bloody catch!

@KmcK87 you are a shit mother. "They were made aware that the relationship wasn't going anywhere and if they couldn't get on they had to get out of each others way", really? Just for a bit of cock, a bit of company and an extra income (because let's face it, I bet your DP is hardly anything special!). You sound just as bad as OP. Oh and your kids aren't "happy", they just begrudgingly tolerate your DP's little b**s because sadly they don't have a choice. Poor kids.

Edited

Hilarious 🤣 my family is doing fine. The bitterness is absolutely seeping from you though. How sad and pathetic. Hope you get some of that “cock” you so desperately need love 🥰

Smellslikeburnttoat · 01/04/2025 14:30

AI POST

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 01/04/2025 15:35

KmcK87 · 31/03/2025 18:09

You need to answer the questions you’ve been asked for us to make a reasonable judgement on this.
But it doesn’t have to be doom and gloom the way everyone is making out and it doesn’t mean your children will hate you 🙄 children can find their full siblings annoying but it’s just part of life unfortunately.
I was in a similar situation to you, partners daughter was/is wild and antagonised my child. We didn’t move in together for 4 years after meeting, we point blank refused to force any of the children to share rooms but they were made aware that this relationship wasn’t going anywhere and if they couldn’t get on then they get out of each others way. Making sure they all had their own space was priority. We’ve now been living together 4 years and the children all get on ok. They aren’t best friends by any means and they probably don’t really have much of a bond but everyone is happy.

That doesn't sound remotely happy and I'm sure you know that, though it's obvious you don't care as long as you get to live with your boyfriend.

OhCobblers · 01/04/2025 15:43

Chewbecca · 31/03/2025 11:35

Don't try.
Live separately, date when you can.
Focus on the remainder of your DC's childhood, it's a difficult enough time for them as it is.
Revisit in 5 years or so.

Exactly this but I have a bad feeling that the adults in this situation are already living together. Poor kids.

KmcK87 · 01/04/2025 15:48

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 01/04/2025 15:35

That doesn't sound remotely happy and I'm sure you know that, though it's obvious you don't care as long as you get to live with your boyfriend.

Show quote history

So many weirdos on this thread 🤣 we’re all very happy. Our children are thriving. 2 of our children are adults and the others are teens/almost teens. You know absolutely zero about my life except from those couple of sentences but the bitterness that has immediately come from a couple of you says more about you than me. Not a single one of our children would say they dislike each other, we just didn’t force them to be best friends/siblings and it’s worked for us.
And it’ll be husband soon love, not boyfriend, nice try with the condescending tone. Hope you got your bitterness out the way for the day, at least you’re leaving someone else alone

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 01/04/2025 16:58

it’s worked for us

Yeah, you and your boyfriend/fiance/whatever. And that's all that matters!

KmcK87 · 02/04/2025 07:59

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 01/04/2025 16:58

it’s worked for us

Yeah, you and your boyfriend/fiance/whatever. And that's all that matters!

I’m sorry your reading comprehension is so bad, but I’ll clarify. It works for our family. If you asked any of our children if they’d like to go back to living separate they’d all say no. My step children choose to live with us over their mother. We all spend a lot of time together and everyone gets on, they just aren’t all best buds because we didn’t force them to be and gave them all their own space. There was a short period of time where 2 of them would clash, but having their own spaces and not forcing anyone to share bedrooms meant that it didn’t last long. Not once have any of them said they didn’t want to live with each other. I’m sure you’re aware that even full bio siblings argue?
Im sorry my life is better than you want it to be, and I’ve managed to make my blended family work, stay bitter ✌🏼

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 02/04/2025 12:37

I wonder which of us you're trying to convince.