I’m in my fifties and my mother tried to hit me last night.

[ADifferentKindOfMum]

I was raised by an extremely narcissistic mum, who also regularly attacked me when she lost her temper. This was fairly regularly between the ages of 16 and 18. When I finally got out at 18, I did not have any contact with her for exactly ten years beyond a couple of attempts at coming together (but me realising I wasn’t ready).

I am now early fifties with two late teens. My mum clearly still has a lot of issues with control and ownership of one’s children, and since mine began to be normal teenagers doing normal teenage things, she’s found it harder and harder to keep it quiet. I was hyper fixated on and controlled to the point of abuse as a kid myself.

Last night I took her over a lovely Mothers Day gift and there was an argument. During it I put her gift down and started to leave, saying I didn’t need to be listening to this stuff. As I went to the front door she charged at me with her hands up, and I knew she was going to hit me. It was the exact same actions as a teen, she would hit me over the head multiple times with the flat of her hand.

I shouted “you don’t get to physically attack me in this house again” and ran into the garden to try to get out the sideway (which was locker). I got out and ran to my car and drove away.

I feel utterly traumatised that she was going to attack me again, at this age. I guess I’m not posting for advice, more some comfort. She’s behaved herself for 16 years and now my own children are the age I was, she’s trying to relive that control and power.

I have no idea what to do. I certainly don’t want to be around her much now. My stepdad sadly just did what he always has done, try to calm her down.

I'm so sorry that happened. Is there any reason you ever have to see her again?

Early stages of dementia leading to disinhibition? Please prioritise yourself and your own wellbeing; can you do something nice for yourself today? Stay away from her until you have had a chance to reflect and rebuild your resilience a bit. You deserve better.

You know this is not acceptable. Keep your children away from her and yourself also.

So do not engage with her and keep your children away from her.
I'm so sorry she tried to attack you.
I have a narc mother so I feel your pain.
Be kind to yourself.

Make that the last time you see her. I hope your dc never see her either... Been nc with mine since 2012...

Don’t go back. It’s ok not to be with people who hurt you.

I would have let her and then called the police, personally (fellow veteran of a physically abusive mother).

I am SO sorry that happened to you. It must have been so upsetting.

Please give yourself a big hug—really wrap your arms around yourself and say outloud “I am safe, I saved myself. No one is allowed to treat me that way.”

You handled yourself very well and came to your own rescue. Don’t go back and don’t give her anymore lovely presents. Save your money and energy for your children.

I wouldn’t cut them off again how I did before, I spent years petrified that I’d run into them. But last night was so so unacceptable and I can’t go backwards again now.
it doesn’t help that she has never once acknowledged her past violence towards me, nor my stepdad. They refer to it as they “made mistakes”. So the possibility of it happening again was always there. But the fact it has happened again is so damaging. I’ve been constantly disassociating since then, no memory at all of driving home.

You're the bigger person here, taking her a gift. Sorry you are continually being abused. Spent your time and efforts with your own children and distance yourself from your mother. She doesn't deserve you.

please don’t try and downplay this posters feelings or dismiss her experiences by trying to make excuses for her mother, her mother doesn’t sound like she has dementia at all, she has had form for this since op was a child.

I would never see her again.

How awful. I can only assume a few things, that she's abusive and possibly has some kind of personality disorder or problem or had experienced a lot of violence when growing up.

I think it's best if you don't really have much contact. If any. Nobody deserves to be subjected to violence or the threat of it from anyone. Let alone their mum.

I am so sorry for you , your mothers behaviour is unforgivable, i think i would keep well away for quite a while and decide in this time how much if at all i intend to have her in my life going forwards.
Nothing you could have said to her can justify her behaviour , i hope you feel no guilt today of all days.
I wish you well and hope you find peace within your life without this awful example of a mother who clearly doesn't deserve you .

so sorry about that. i hope you get to talk to her and settle it

So sorry to hear you have had to go through this again. It must have been traumatising for you. Think it's best you just leave it where it is and go NC to protect yourself both physically and emotionally. 🌹🌹

This isn't new behaviour of course; her physical agression and his enabling are an old, old pattern.

Is he also a victim of this aggression? Does he need help?

But you have a choice now. They've proved neither has changed, they are as bad as they were and have refused to accept responsibility or accountability.

So what are you going to do, OP?

Protect yourself and your family in whatever way you need to, or continue to subject yourself to this distress?

Perhaps a report to social services, in case he is vulnerable, would be a right thing to do.

It's entirely in your hands.

It sounds like she hasn’t changed since your childhood. And you don’t have to tolerate it any more. Sending strength and solidarity to you x

She is in her late 70’s. No, he needs no safeguarding, it’s only me (only child) that she has this depth of hate for.

You did everything right. You're nothing like her, it's nothing you've done wrong.

You don't have to hide or fear anything from cutting her off - you don't have to announce it, you can just not respond to any contact, don't entertain any attempts at conversation, if you see them in the distance, just walk away. She's hardly going to launch at you in public where other people would see her and CCTV would provide evidence for a prosecution.

Your DC will benefit from seeing you do not have to stay in contact or in any sort of relationship with somebody who abuses them, too. It's something everybody needs to know for their future safety and happiness.

I found it gave me peace that she attacked me again after years and years - because it meant I didn't have to secondguess myself anymore and it was truly because she was an abusive arsehole, not because I'd done anything wrong or deserved it. And nobody questioned it - even the idiot boyfriend at the time who would declare 'ah, but she's your Mum, you always need your Mum, you'll miss her when she's gone' finally shut the fuck up when he saw my black eye.

It also proved to me that I wasn't the aggressive bully that she would wail and cry about to others who couldn't see past the teeny-tiny little woman image - because it never occurred to me to lamp her one. I'm just not a violent, horrible person and it just wasn't in my instinctive responses to react to her deliberate, determined rage and desire to damage my face. Because I am not her.

You will come through this moment stronger and more secure because you know now that it's not that you weren't ready or that you were doing anything wrong - it was always her doing, her choices, her violence and pleasure from abuse that drove what happened.

It never ceases to amaze me what people put up with “because they’re family”
would you tolerate this from a friend, a neighbour, a work colleague? No of course you wouldn’t. Go no or low contact and keep your kids well clear of her.

This is really a good enough reason to cut contact completely, I know you said you didn’t want to do that but this is no way to go on in fear of being attacked by your own mother

I'd cut back hugely on any actual in person contact. Birthday and Christmas cards, the odd text - more than enough. She's got a husband so she isn't alone. You reap what you sow.

Probably not if she used to do it in the past as well.

My mother is also abusive but genuinely unable to take accountability for her actions or have any insight. I chose to go extremely low contact but I do send food round with my husband occasionally and I pay a bit of money each week to top up her pension. This way she still feels loved and I get to never have to see her