I’m in my fifties and my mother tried to hit me last night.

[ADifferentKindOfMum]

I was raised by an extremely narcissistic mum, who also regularly attacked me when she lost her temper. This was fairly regularly between the ages of 16 and 18. When I finally got out at 18, I did not have any contact with her for exactly ten years beyond a couple of attempts at coming together (but me realising I wasn’t ready).

I am now early fifties with two late teens. My mum clearly still has a lot of issues with control and ownership of one’s children, and since mine began to be normal teenagers doing normal teenage things, she’s found it harder and harder to keep it quiet. I was hyper fixated on and controlled to the point of abuse as a kid myself.

Last night I took her over a lovely Mothers Day gift and there was an argument. During it I put her gift down and started to leave, saying I didn’t need to be listening to this stuff. As I went to the front door she charged at me with her hands up, and I knew she was going to hit me. It was the exact same actions as a teen, she would hit me over the head multiple times with the flat of her hand.

I shouted “you don’t get to physically attack me in this house again” and ran into the garden to try to get out the sideway (which was locker). I got out and ran to my car and drove away.

I feel utterly traumatised that she was going to attack me again, at this age. I guess I’m not posting for advice, more some comfort. She’s behaved herself for 16 years and now my own children are the age I was, she’s trying to relive that control and power.

I have no idea what to do. I certainly don’t want to be around her much now. My stepdad sadly just did what he always has done, try to calm her down.

@ADifferentKindOfMum

brutal truth

could be dementia

if not weigh up your health and whether what ever you might get in her will is work keeping quiet.

to me it’s not.

call the cops on her.

enough is enough.

Seems unlikely to be dementia as OP says she behaved exactly the same when younger.
I would cut contact for good, OP. Taking a lovely Mothers' Day gift to her is the last thing you should feel you ought to be doing.

My mum deeply dislikes me too, op. She was not a good mother (although didn’t hurt me physically). But now she has started showing signs of dementia and the hatred is seeping through every pore. I still keep in contact because my dad is very ill and very frail. Once he’s gone I won’t see her anymore.

Your mum and stepdad won’t apologise because they can’t admit that they have done something wrong. Expect your mum to have never apologised for anything in her entire life - at least mine hasn’t. She just delivers the silent treatment until it’s all blown over and nobody dares to mention it again, just expected to pretend it never happened.

I came here to say, it’s ok if you decide never to see her again.

You tool her over a mothers' day present ......

I think you are sending her mixed messages here.

took

She wont apologize, has she ever apologized? if anything she will want you to apologize for making her do it.
She will be expecting business as usual

What?

Similar happened to me. I’m NC. I won’t be around violent people, even if I’m related to them, hard boundary because I can’t literally can’t cope with it and am disgusted by it.

Blimey, that sounds stressful! What do you think it was that made her become argumentative then go for you?

Just go completely NC. If you see her in the streets, you cross the road.

Going NC with my abusive NPD mother is the best thing I ever did for myself.

and holly berries (what makes the bush attractive) are deadly poisonous

OP what do you expect people to say? Keep away from her, go NC, why on earth would you want to be anywhere near her? At this stage what is holding you to her, why allow yourself to be subjected to this?

What a witch. You should report her to the police. I hope you’re ok

That gives witches a bad name.

She’s an utter horror. Have nothing to do with her. I find it mad that you had to run away from her in your own house and leave her inside. She would have got turfed straight out, no questions asked.

I agree there is a big difference between a mother who has been abusive all of someone’s life than an otherwise lovely mum who starts to act like this, completely out of character, in her old age.

My mum.was abusive like yours. Keep your kids safe from her. My mum.also tried to pick up where she left off with me.

You don't have to go NC I know that's also hard. You can gray rock her. Don't tell her about the kids, tell her what she wants to hear.

I told my kids mum was abusive quite young and that's also kept then safe and to guard up around her.

Your mum won't apologise. She sees nothing wrong. I had therapy which was extremely painful but helpful too

Thank you so much for all these comments and perspectives. It has and will help a lot. X

i wouldn’t see her again. Im not sure what else we can advise as it doesn’t seem like she’s changed much since you were a teenager.

I’m not much of a writer but I’d write to her to tell her what your plans are exactly. I know this seems brutal but it will be cathartic for you and you know you will have left her in no doubt about your position.

My DM has never been violent to me but there has been a lifetime of emotional abuse. Largely stemming from her awful childhood, my grandmother’s awful childhood, and my great-grandmothers own tragedy as far as I can know. It’s definitely inter-generational in my family.

I’m not LC but I’ve worked hard over the years to not trust her with too much information, not to expect anything of her emotionally, and to recover quickly from her unpredictable emotional episodes. My DF is her rescuer and now her enabler for sure. He’s a good-hearted man but is conditioned to her behaviour. I’ve grieved our relationship, and grieved that mothering that I’ll never have.

In your letter be very factual, and where anything is potentially subjective, just articulate it from your point of view. So…

Dear mum

I’m writing to you following my visit to your house on Sunday for Mother’s Day.

During my visit, you disagreed with me about X. This resulted in you repeatedly hitting me over the head while stepdad looked on. This reminded me very-much of when you also did this during my teenage years, and I felt that I had to leave. I have been very upset by what happened.

Whilst I want to continue to have a relationship with you, I don’t want to allow myself to be vulnerable to this ever again. Therefore I’d like to just keep it to meeting you for a coffee for now. We could meet at X in say around a month’s time. Maybe you could text me to let me know what might work for you.

I’ve mentioned what has happened to my DH/DC and they are supportive of my approach.

I’ll look forward to hearing from you.

It wasn’t acceptable then and it isn’t acceptable now. Have you ever explored your trauma through therapy?

How many times does she need to show you who she is? I have a narc mother/enabling father and, as her henchman, he would hit for her. Well, my father hit me in the face, in my own home, when I was in my thirties and seven months pregnant, sending my glasses flying across the room. I didn't go no contact with them for another ten years. He never apologized, neither of them showed concern, and my narc mom stood there and watched the entire thing with a gleam in her eye. I didn't even have the mindset to ask them to leave, because this kind of dysfunction was so normalized. It was never mentioned again. They simply got away with it. And I never even told my husband because I knew he would never let them in our home again and I was scared to death of what my parents would do to me (more harassment wise than physical abuse) if I told them that. They are also masterful gaslighters and absolutely spun everything to be fault.

After going no contact many, many years later, I was able to realize just how messed up episodes like this wereas well as my responses to them. Like you, I let them back in for a while, and it didn't take more than 24 hours for them to fall right back into their old patternand to expect me to the do the same.

There will never be growth or accountability with people like this. Yes, there are lulls, and I can absolutely see where your teenagers being teenagers would trigger your narc mother (my mother hated her children as teens and would hate her grandchildren now if she were allowed to see them). Narcs behave like this because they think they can.

Why would you be terrified to see her if you went nc? I absolutely wouldn’t see her again. Certainly I wouldn’t subject my dc to her ever again.

I just wanted to update anybody who is interested. It is now 7 days later and I haven’t heard a single word from either. Not even a text.
I wrote to my DSD to say I wouldn’t be contacting her for a while, and why. I signed it off saying I love you and hope to catch up soon.,I didn’t even get a reply.
Earlier in the day he’d dropped in while I was at work and told my kids he’s hoping “it will all blow over” which has left me totally confused as to how something can be so minimised. Also the lack of care or concern since I left their house, total silence.

Hopefully she has gone NC with you! Saves you the guilt.

Just be grateful and crack on with a drama free life.

Just enjoy not seeing her//hearing from her. You won't get justice, ever. But in due course, you won't care as much. It's possible that the violence will come out more as her brain degenerates with age (I'm 67. Not being mean to old people, I just know this happens sometimes). So continue to avoid her as much as you can. If you want to give her presents for special occasions, you could post them or arrange to meet up in a public place.