I’m in my fifties and my mother tried to hit me last night.

[ADifferentKindOfMum]

I was raised by an extremely narcissistic mum, who also regularly attacked me when she lost her temper. This was fairly regularly between the ages of 16 and 18. When I finally got out at 18, I did not have any contact with her for exactly ten years beyond a couple of attempts at coming together (but me realising I wasn’t ready).

I am now early fifties with two late teens. My mum clearly still has a lot of issues with control and ownership of one’s children, and since mine began to be normal teenagers doing normal teenage things, she’s found it harder and harder to keep it quiet. I was hyper fixated on and controlled to the point of abuse as a kid myself.

Last night I took her over a lovely Mothers Day gift and there was an argument. During it I put her gift down and started to leave, saying I didn’t need to be listening to this stuff. As I went to the front door she charged at me with her hands up, and I knew she was going to hit me. It was the exact same actions as a teen, she would hit me over the head multiple times with the flat of her hand.

I shouted “you don’t get to physically attack me in this house again” and ran into the garden to try to get out the sideway (which was locker). I got out and ran to my car and drove away.

I feel utterly traumatised that she was going to attack me again, at this age. I guess I’m not posting for advice, more some comfort. She’s behaved herself for 16 years and now my own children are the age I was, she’s trying to relive that control and power.

I have no idea what to do. I certainly don’t want to be around her much now. My stepdad sadly just did what he always has done, try to calm her down.

Report her to the police, hopefully the shame will help her reevaluate her behaviour.

Don't bother trying to understand her. Only meet in public if she asks why say because you hit me. What did you think was going to happen mum?

Keep her away from your dc, and congratulate yourself you are not handy with your kids.

This is just how my Gran treated my mum (and me and my sibling).
It didn't end well for her as we all went NC.
She ended up a sad lonely old woman with literally nobody right up to death.
But when you are a vile, verbally and physically abusive bully you get what you deserve.
Go NC @ADifferentKindOfMum

To quote Dirty Den’s daughter Vicki to Sharon on Eastenders - if you hit me I will hit you 5 times as hard
walk away don’t run

It’s easy to say lower your expectations but it really is the only way to cope with such dysfunction OP. They are not capable of being reasonable & the minimising of contact helps reduce the emotional fallout of feeling constantly triggered every time you interact. Not what you want but may be the only way to go ie NC or at the v least LC.

You say that you are confused by your stepdad hoping this will all "blow over" and not showing any concern over such a big event. Really, this is straight out of the enabler's handbook. They live their lives letting everything the narc does just slide without demanding apology or accountability because they know what will happen if they confront their spouse. Sadly, the enabler then usually expects everyone else to fall in line with this mindset and tiptoe around the narc, acting relieved and happy when the tantrum is over.

I let only my enabling dad back into my life after two years of nc and when I tried to explain to him why I had reached that point (for the thousandth time--the emails and texts of which he ignored), and started listing all the things narc mother did, he held his hand in my face to stop me and set, "Let. It. Go." Because that's what he's always done, right? It's all he can do if he wants to stay with her.

Six months later, I went nc with him again, this time for good. What I saw was that the longer he stayed with her, the deeper he committed to turning a blind eye to her terrible ways. Placating her was always his way--managing her emotions and making sure she was happy came before all else. And everyone else.

Enabling spouses who stay well past their kids leaving the house have made a choice. Denial is their primary tool for survival. If he were to show concern for what happened to you, he'd have to admit the reality of the situation to himself.