I’m in my fifties and my mother tried to hit me last night.

[ADifferentKindOfMum]

I was raised by an extremely narcissistic mum, who also regularly attacked me when she lost her temper. This was fairly regularly between the ages of 16 and 18. When I finally got out at 18, I did not have any contact with her for exactly ten years beyond a couple of attempts at coming together (but me realising I wasn’t ready).

I am now early fifties with two late teens. My mum clearly still has a lot of issues with control and ownership of one’s children, and since mine began to be normal teenagers doing normal teenage things, she’s found it harder and harder to keep it quiet. I was hyper fixated on and controlled to the point of abuse as a kid myself.

Last night I took her over a lovely Mothers Day gift and there was an argument. During it I put her gift down and started to leave, saying I didn’t need to be listening to this stuff. As I went to the front door she charged at me with her hands up, and I knew she was going to hit me. It was the exact same actions as a teen, she would hit me over the head multiple times with the flat of her hand.

I shouted “you don’t get to physically attack me in this house again” and ran into the garden to try to get out the sideway (which was locker). I got out and ran to my car and drove away.

I feel utterly traumatised that she was going to attack me again, at this age. I guess I’m not posting for advice, more some comfort. She’s behaved herself for 16 years and now my own children are the age I was, she’s trying to relive that control and power.

I have no idea what to do. I certainly don’t want to be around her much now. My stepdad sadly just did what he always has done, try to calm her down.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, you must be feeling absolutely drained right now.
As others have said, this is a good reason to cut her out, but I appreciate that's much easier said than done.
My mother used to lose her temper and snarl at us, not the same as physical violence, but terrifying when you are a child. When she did it to one of my children, I completely lost any guilt about dialling it right down. I didn't visit, I didn't encourage her participation in my kids' lives, and now we are down to about one phone call per year with a few texts in between. I am still fucking furious and hurt (and it's been about 15 years) but it is what it is and this way is the least dramatic way I can think of to handle it. I can't do a confrontation with her, I'm just not made that way, so I ignore her and pretend my life is very boring.
Take care of yourself today, this much stress and adrenaline takes a while to dissipate. 💐

Your mother is like a holly bush. As soon as you go near her you're in danger of being hurt. You keep going to her and she keeps hurting you with her spiky leaves. The real mother, the mother you want, the mother society tells you that you want, is not inside that holly bush.

It took me years to realise this.

You don’t have to see her though. You hold all the power.

She’s been a nasty piece of work for decades. I’m so sorry that happened to you

My mother last attacked me when she was in her late sixties, in the way you describe : at that moment I went very low contact, and she was dead from cancer a year later.

I’ve thought about your post and whether I would do anything differently and came to the conclusion no- you don’t need to put up with the abuse.

Protect yourself and don’t be physically around her. You can keep to brief messages giving her very little information about you and your children if you don’t want to take the dramatic step of no contact.

I think my mother would have thrived off the drama of no contact, grey rock was more effective for her.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. This really is the end of the line now. You don't need to ever have any contact with her again if you don't want to, and nobody can make you. Least of all her or your stepfather.

You don’t need them in your life OP.

If you really can't face going NC, then go LC and only meet her in public places.

You know you have tried & tried again to have a decent relationship with her.
its not going to happen.
Back off, stop helping, calling, being her punching ball.
She will at some point require something, & tell you to stop being childish, exaggerating & try & draw you back in.
Just refuse.
“You are lucky I didn't call the police for attempted assault,
I am not able to be around you any more.
Try hitting another adult see how that goes”.

You need to explain your childhood to you DC. Tell them it was not exceptable then, its not acceptable now. You are going V Low Contact, & they need to know that she will probably be trying to manipulate them instead to get control

Opt out of their bullshit op, you’ll be so much happier for it. I think, in some ways, it’s worse when they go for you physically when you’re an adult because in all other aspects you feel as you are, a capable, in control adult, and by them reverting to their abusive type, they manage to push you back to feeling like a scared child again. It’s awful and you didn’t and still don’t deserve it.

You have my sympathies, OP. My mother also lashed out and hit me a lot, starting when I was about six, and it's taken a lot of deal with mentally. We were no contact the last 25 years of her life and I was glad of that.

I read this piece this morning that might resonate with you. You may feel guilty but the relief will be stronger.

"After decades of physical and emotional abuse at her hands, I chose estrangement. What followed was a mix of guilt, grief and freedom"

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2025/03/30/eamon-dolan-estranged-from-mother-cut-off/

https://archive.ph/5xpdE

How traumatic & abusive. You must have been thrown back into feeling how you were made to feel as a teenager - powerless & worthless most likely. What a cruel & heartless & obviously very disordered woman. You must have felt completely blindsided. Mothers Day (& all of the Days inc Xmas etc) can cause so much emotional turbulence in dysfunctional families. You were right to share & get it off your chest. Look after yourself today & give yourself credit that you are nothing like your mother & that you have succeeded in giving your DC the healthy, loving, & motherly care that they need, that as a mum you are the total opposite.

It could also be a generational thing: I'm 58 and my mother (French) was always very slap happy. She even used to slap my father during arguments, nothing serious and he always withstood it. Never raised a hand to her. If he was fast she would catch her hand before it hit his face, and she would let out a squeal, like a naughty child. She was always very dramatic. I suppose you you call her a histrionic personality. I always associated it with her being French, lol.

As a child, I was slapped often for (a) answering back (b) saying something she didn't like (c) Being 'too spicy' as she used to call it in her accented English (d) not being ladylike enough (e) breaching one of her behavioural protocols (f) if she wanted to attract attention.

Whenever I watch old black & white movies from the 40s & 50s and I see women slapping, it always reminds me of her. Cocktails always remind me of her as well, as she loved her cocktails, often leading to her getting argumentative and slap happy.

I was often slapped in public. She was a terrible flirt and if she wanted to attract attention, I was often slapped in public. Then I'd have to listen to her recount what a naughty child I was, to some passing man. Everyone who met her, loved her.

I remember once being slapped for no reason in a hotel lounge where she created a big scene and rushed us out after we'd both eaten two big Knickerboker Glories as a Sunday treat. When I asked her why she'd hit me, she explained that she'd realised that she'd left her purse at home after paying the milkman and that it wasn't in her handbag an that she couldn't pay the bill.

Whilst I look back on my childhood with an element of detached interest and if I wanted to attach labels, I'd say that my mother was a boozy narcissist, I don't feel as though I was abused. Different times. Different generations. People did slap children (Europeans and specially Mediterraneans. I have an Italian friend who got a good share of beatings from her mum).

I am not condoning violence in any way.

I am so sorry this happened to you.
When you feel a bit better look back and realise that this time was different. This time you didn't accept the abuse. You stopped her.
Be proud of yourself. The pattern hasn't continued. You stood up for yourself and broke the cycle.
Be kind to yourself. Realise that no matter what you do, she will never change and that is not your fault. You don't owe her anything.
Concentrate on your own family. Be content that, despite her abuse, you have created your own little family with people who love you.

If you're not prepared to go no contact, I would only see her in public places, like meeting at a coffee shop or garden centre.

I wouldn't be going back into her house or letting her into mine.

head to the stately homes thread on the relationships board op

OP, stop speculating on why and how this happened.

Your mother’s feelings, whatever they are, are so odd they really don’t matter here.

You won’t get answers from thinking and if you do, it’ll be depressing ‘she’s nasty/nuts/both’ which you know anyway.

Your feelings do matter. You need to mourn
the mother you never had, and accept you’ll never get a real mother - both are horribly sad.

A lot of this could describe my mother who was Irish not French. I put it down to be Catholic and repressed the same way you put it down to being French. I really like your assessment at the end where you see your mother’s failings and detach from it all, I think that is really all anyone can do because having a victim mindset about it doesn’t help in anyway. It was a different time, they had big failings, it happened, it wasn’t right but it has to be kept in perspective.

Such a lot of loving and kind words on here. To clarify, I shld say that she has been a calm and peaceful person (in the main) since the birth of my children. But I knew that when they became teenagers she could become difficult. But I was never, ever expecting this, as a grown adult.
I have not heard from either of them
today and although I’m glad, im
astounded that parents could let their daughter leave in those circumstances and not send the basics of an apology. But nothing.

Doesn't matter - that was either because they were small and cute enough that she liked them (and by default, you were tolerable because she needed to keep you onside to bring them round) or that she didn't have a massive desire to batter them because they weren't teenagers yet and therefore weren't saying 'no' to her or you, so she didn't feel the same rage at that point.

If this kicked off over your children being old enough to say no to something, is it possibly because she wanted you to hit them? Or to hit them herself, but she knows she'd never get away with it? Has she ever had them unsupervised, so there might be a reason why they're 'being teenagers' where she's concerned?

I didn't realise my DC were avoiding mine for anything other than a manky house/better things to do until afterwards - then they revealed she'd shoved the eldest over/down the stairs. They didn't tell anyone because they thought it might end up in the police being called and either me or their Dad getting arrested because she'd pretend to be the terrified, defenceless, teeny tiny woman she'd always been to get away with what she'd done to me.

How awful for you OP. I have no words of advice, only to say that you do not have to put up with that behaviour and well done on ensuring that your own kids have not experienced it.

If you don't want to go nc then I would only meet up with her in public places. Same goes for your children.
Don't give her the opportunity to be abusive .
It's shocking she has treated you this way

What @NooNakedJacuzziness said. I think to GP NC would give her the opportunity to be very loud in her criticism of you. What a horror, I have adult children and would never dream of physically attacking them, they are all too precious to me.
Look after yourself OP xx

The same here. What does she add to your life and wellbeing? You have suffered enough and she won’t change.
I would permanently cut absolutely all contact.

She will have justified it to him by saying that you were in the wrong, and he seems to do anything for an easy life, so won't want to rock the boat by doing anything so rash as calling you to apologise.