Widower - how soon is too soon?

[Widowerwouldyou]

Sorry - very long!

TL:DR - recent widower - how to proceed.

I am recently divorced, had a two year relationship after the divorce. I was quite naive as wasn’t expecting it and hadn’t ‘dated’ for 30 years so missed all the signals that people on here are more au-fait with in terms of the dating landscape now.
He had serious issues tho’ and we split a year ago, but still part of wider friendship group.
Recently at an event with a hobby group of friends I got chatting to a guy who has recently been more active in the group and who I didn’t know before. Amazing evening -really good conversation about lots of things we have in common. I don’t keep up with gossip etc so hadn’t realised that was widowed a year ago. We gravitated towards each other and talking together most of the evening and with other people in a very natural way -I suspect because he had a healthy relationship with his wife and is used to socialising as a couple and I was in a way fulfilling a similar role.
At the end of the evening I said I was going soon. He said he would leave when I did. We left and walked towards my home. I said -okay -this is where I cross the road. He said goodbye, and (surprising to me) kissed me. All good, both waved. I walked 2mins home.
Texted him to say -lovely conversation! He texted back yes -happy to talk any time.
I have been away on holiday since. We have exchanged a few messages about the hobby and as I am back late today I suggested we meet up got a quick drink to chat about an event I am planning relating up the hobby group. He was very keen and said he is meeting his MiL for lunch and would love to meet up in the evening.
I think it is lovely he is with his MiL and must be very poignant as is Mother’s Day, and her first without her DD/his wife. I did say if he felt later that he preferred not to meet then it was no prob and we could meet another time. But he was adamant he wanted to meet.
I suspect there may be also a wariness about me because my ex bf is on the fringe of the friendship group, still single and has been jealous in the past of other men interested in me.
I don’t to be predatory - would like to see how a natural friendship evolves. I don’t want to take advantage of his grief /of course he will be feeling a massive loss after a long and happy marriage.
Would welcome any views or experiences…
(Am a 20+year mumsnetter / name changed for this 😀 )

A year seems a decent amount of time before seeing someone else, DH had a friend who started seeing someone after two weeks, which was appalling.

I would usually say 2 years in the right amount of time

DH had been widowed six months when we started dating. We have been married 29 years. It depends on the person, though two weeks does seem quick. But if the late spouse had been ill for years people can move on rapidly as much if their grieving has already happened. I wouldn't judge.

How long is a piece of string? I know widow/ers who’ve moved on with someone else within a year and continued in a happy long term relationship, some who’ve tried to but just couldn’t make it work because they were still pining for their spouse, and others who are still single many years later.

I would say - enjoy it for what it is and see where it goes. There is no “one size fits all” approach to mourning.

Where did you get two weeks from - he’s been widowed a year.

Well he kissed you and he's keen to see you! Sounds like he's happy to go ahead, sounds like you are too. No red flags yet? Then proceed!

A year's fine imo and don't give the stupid ex on the sidelines a second thought. He had his chance and blew it.

They read other responses where someone else said they knew someone who started dating after two weeks.

I'm 8 months into being widowed. I'm not personally looking for anything right now but I think a year wouldn't seem bad if a friendship started to develop. I'd keep it friendly to start and let him set a pace he's happy with (as long as it's not too quick for you).

Thank you. It was in the OP. Saved me explaining!

PP🙄

A year is not long for his children so I would play it cool.

I would still become much better friends and get to know each other without intruding on the relationship he has with his children, his late wife's family and their marital home.
You will also be more comfortable and accepted in the long term if he plays it slower for his kids.

From experience, the adult children need to deal fully with their mother's things, her smell and clothes in the home. They will be missing her dreadfully on special days for a few years and will assume and expect their Dad to support them and miss her too.
Don't be seen as overtaking her territory.

I think these things also depends on the circumstances if his wife's death. If she had been ill for a very long time with something like a brain cancer he had probably effectively started the grieving process a long time before her death. If it was sudden then a year won't seem as long. But, it's said that people with very happy marriages are likely to be able to form very good relationships a second time around, so he sounds like a good catch!

Thank you - yes good point about the adult children. He has a son who has married last year - don’t know if it was before or after his DM death. The whole family seems very stable and nice people and they fostered children for many years.

Yes, it should be how you feel, and when you're ready... but in reality, it's how the other person feels. I've seen many comments like that on MN over the years. A woman dates a widower and the man is slammed because he's dating after a month, three months, six months, a year...

Everyone is different, and you'll always find the "wow, you moved on quickly!" attitude.

I guess it all depends on how long the relationship was, how happy it was, how long you had to prepare for the death (instant vs say, cancer).

What are you basing this on @DurinsBane

OP I encourage to ignore all comments from those who have never been widowed as they cannot comment from a place of knowledge or empathy.

For me, a year was right, for others it was six months, for one in my group it was 9 years.

Its hugely personal and no one else’s business but his.

I think a year is perfectly reasonable especially if the death was expected. When someone is ill the grieving starts long long before that person dies. He sounds like a nice person, keep going - slowly

Thank you so much lovely people.
We just had a really lovely evening in the pub closest to me (chosen by him so he has now a long walk home)
I messaged him to say thanks , lovely evening and he has messaged back with lots of kisses.
Will absolutely take it slow. But am just reeling from the interesting conversation. I do fancy him but will hold myself back.
So grateful to posters responding/ I am in uncharted waters do you have helped me -thank you.

My dad started dating someone after 6 months, I was not happy at first mostly because of the total mentionitis he developed about her
But my mum had Alzheimer’s and she had died twice in a way, and he had done his grieving I think before she actually went. He wasn’t there when she died so I was also mad about that
They were married for 50 years
He’s been with his partner now for 2.5 years and they seem very happy

It says a year not 2 weeks!

The very first reply referenced a man who moved on after 2 weeks.

An early poster said two weeks. RTT. This was covered before .

My widowed friend spoke to her counsellor who said 12-18 months is normally when ppl start to think about dating etc. In reality if you had a partner who was ill for a wile then grief has been longer.

It all sounds lovely, OP. I agree with PPs that when someone is 'ready' is very personal. Has he dated anyone else since his wife died?

I've been in a relationship with a widower for over six years. I would only say that sometimes the widowed person thinks they are ready to start moving forward, and then realises as their new relationship progresses that they aren't as ready as they thought. So guard your heart a little bit.

ih he’s ready he’s ready - go for it and good lluck

Exactly this.

Also, grief isn't linear, don't expect there to be a cut off point after which he's ready. He may be ready today, not tomorrow, and then ready again later. When you're widowed there's a time when you recognise that you need to build a new life, and a part of you wants to do it, but another part of you doesn't want to. And even when you do want to, it's very hard to do.

You sound lovely and I hope it works out for both of you.

Glad it's going well. Dh died very suddenly but following years of chronic ill health. I think I was ready for a relationship when I met dp 2.5 years later - it's certainly gone well and we are v happy. However, I'd done a lot of casual dating from about a year in, and it's possible that I hurt a couple of people in that period, though I was always meeting people via highly casual-friendly routes. My experience is that widowers seem to move into a new relationship more quickly than widows and there doesn't seem to be a problem with that tbh, so I wouldn't be concerned in your case I have to say.