Widower - how soon is too soon?

[Widowerwouldyou]

Sorry - very long!

TL:DR - recent widower - how to proceed.

I am recently divorced, had a two year relationship after the divorce. I was quite naive as wasn’t expecting it and hadn’t ‘dated’ for 30 years so missed all the signals that people on here are more au-fait with in terms of the dating landscape now.
He had serious issues tho’ and we split a year ago, but still part of wider friendship group.
Recently at an event with a hobby group of friends I got chatting to a guy who has recently been more active in the group and who I didn’t know before. Amazing evening -really good conversation about lots of things we have in common. I don’t keep up with gossip etc so hadn’t realised that was widowed a year ago. We gravitated towards each other and talking together most of the evening and with other people in a very natural way -I suspect because he had a healthy relationship with his wife and is used to socialising as a couple and I was in a way fulfilling a similar role.
At the end of the evening I said I was going soon. He said he would leave when I did. We left and walked towards my home. I said -okay -this is where I cross the road. He said goodbye, and (surprising to me) kissed me. All good, both waved. I walked 2mins home.
Texted him to say -lovely conversation! He texted back yes -happy to talk any time.
I have been away on holiday since. We have exchanged a few messages about the hobby and as I am back late today I suggested we meet up got a quick drink to chat about an event I am planning relating up the hobby group. He was very keen and said he is meeting his MiL for lunch and would love to meet up in the evening.
I think it is lovely he is with his MiL and must be very poignant as is Mother’s Day, and her first without her DD/his wife. I did say if he felt later that he preferred not to meet then it was no prob and we could meet another time. But he was adamant he wanted to meet.
I suspect there may be also a wariness about me because my ex bf is on the fringe of the friendship group, still single and has been jealous in the past of other men interested in me.
I don’t to be predatory - would like to see how a natural friendship evolves. I don’t want to take advantage of his grief /of course he will be feeling a massive loss after a long and happy marriage.
Would welcome any views or experiences…
(Am a 20+year mumsnetter / name changed for this 😀 )

My dad remarried about two years after my mum died - which we (his kids) had no problem with. My mum had been sick for years and they'd been high school sweethearts and had just passed their 30th anniversary when she died, so I think my dad needed to be with someone. He had his current wife will have their 25th anniversary in a couple of years and are happy. She (his new wife) had been divorced for years (possibly decades).

My aunt and uncle were similar actually (one divorced for years and the other a recent widow whose first spouse had been sick for a number of years).

Woke up to a message from him this morning asking if I’d like to have dinner at his house later this week. (He is part of wider friendship group so have no concerns about safety etc).
He lives about a 10 min bike ride from me so will go on my bike so no awkwardness when I leave and he doesn’t feel obliged to walk me home /and I will not be staying over 😀)
Hope you don’t mind me posting— in RL am telling absolute no friends until we see how it goes.
Your replies have been so supportive-thank you -this really is Mn at its best. I especially appreciate the insights re the fact that grief is not linear and that he may well be in a kind of limerance at the moment and lonely. Luckily I am not at all in a hurry to rush into anything, so I think a slow burn absolutely suits me too.
Ironically, my mother was widowed seven months ago after my dad’s 6 year illness (not cancer or dementia luckily) during which she had a very restricted life. The widower who lives opposite did a lot of errands etc during that time for my mum and dad -my bother and I both chuckled s bit that he was looking to court my mum when dad died - and so he has! My mum was very reluctant to tell me and my bro’ that the guy was taking her out on ‘dates’ but we were both delighted!!! She is in her early eighties and he is her ‘toyboy ‘ at 76 😂😂
My mum and I are on good terms but not not close enough normally to talk about this kind of thing (she knows nothing about the circs of my divorce or subsequent dating) but I think I might share this with her and it could be a bonding between her and me in a way.)

I think it's fine - he can be the judge of it.

I've been with bf 18 months. We met only 9 months after his wife died. We kept it very light and casual for the first 6 months or so then realised we'd developed deeper feelings.

I have found as times gone on and feelings have deepened I've got some complicated feelings around his late wife, and have felt awkward meeting some of his friends and family but on the whole it's been good.

It's fine, just take things slowly and enjoy getting to know each other would be my advise.

If he feels ready he’s ready. Just take it slow and see what develops.

Just remember, just because he's a widower doesn't mean he's not also a d**k. Get to know each other slowly as you would with anyone else.

My brother got together with his now long term partner about a year after his wife passed away - she had been ill for some years. I think men tend to need someone and it can be quite common, especially if they were happily married, to start seeing someone fairly quickly....

Men on the whole move on much quicker than women. Especially the type who won't do women's work and need to move in a new multi-appliance ASAP for a comfortable life. I'd be on the look out for any signs or hints that he's struggling with domestic life as well as wanting somebody to socialise with.

My partner passed away 18 months ago and I’m still not ready, if anything, I think that part of me died with him.

My point is, there isn’t a right time or enough time. We all move at different paces, feel things differently.

Start by being friends, see what happens. Let him talk about her as he feels comfortable doing. I find when I do talk to a man, that typically would have been my type, I get verbal diarrhoea and can’t stop talking about him and it puts them off (I think).

I would say, you’ll need patience. My grief hits me so bad somedays, when I’d been fine the day before. It’s a minefield!

Good luck!

I think it sounds very promising.
I'm not very well and my DH and I have spoken about him not spending the rest of his life on his own. It would be a waste of a good man!
My single friends would form a 'stew queue'.
As long as the new Mrs Luce let's him have a picture or two around I don't have a problem with it. I'll do a blythe spirit if not!
As a previous poster said check for red flags. CL stuff etc.

I think that the amount of time varies from person to person but a year is not very long. I'd be wary that he may be getting into a relationship through loneliness and a desire not to be alone. You seem to have really hit it off so I would keep it as a nice casual friendship/dating for a good while and see where it takes you. If he wants to get involved too quickly, tell him you want to take it slowly. There's no rush, you both are adults with independent lives and can take your time. Hope it all works out for you!

My DP passed away last year. To be honest, I am getting a bit fed up of people who have not suffered a bereavement on this scale deciding to give me the benefit of their wisdom whether I want it or not.

There is no set time ( often quoted as two years). There is no set formula( often quoted as one month for each year you have been together). It's just whenever he feels ready.

Stew queue 😁
That is a great phrase

Funnily enough when a friend of mine was bemoaning the supply of good men of our age I told her she needed to find a widower in the sweet spot between the ‘stew queue’ of his wife’s single friends circling, and his availability to move on. But she observed that one of the stew queue would nab him because men go for proximity and a decent one would be snapped up rapidly 😂

In this case he is cooking me a meal -wholly new experience for me as no man has ever cooked me anything. Am surprised to be invited to his home because I would have thought off limits as is her home (he wears his wedding ring -naturally -and his Facebook profile is with her - so am slightly puzzled to be invited into their space.

Just be wary of widow’s fire in case you’re not already aware.

Mother Nature likes to fuck with widows’ heads just after bereavement by making their sexual desire ridiculously strong.

I’d take an offer to dine at his house as a potential (in his mind) to quench that fire.

May not be the case, but be warned.

Well I’ve been widowed for 7 years, I’m 45 and still would not have a relationship . Does he have dependant kids because that’s key? If he does I’d walk away as trust me thats a whole loads of issues. If I didn’t have kids the I would have moved on.’

I'd agree - he's not on this thread so hasn't had advice to go slowly etc. Tbh a grown man inviting a woman to his house for a third date is about 99% likely to be expecting hoping for sex. I'd be expecting sex too decide what you want to do in that scenario.

Thank you - really do appreciate the wisdom on here.
I don’t think he will expect sex - we are part of a wider friendship group so not like an OLD situation where we have advertised availability.
I am very attracted to him but there won’t be sex because regardless of his situation, I want to take it slowly and would do so with any man. And if we get cuddly I will openly tell him that. I’m going on my bike so I can choose my time of leaving and can ride home (less than 10mins😀).
Will tell him I have rowing early next morning (he knows I am a rower and we row early) so good reason to leave before it gets too steamy 😂😂

I’m super invested in this. 🍿@Widowerwouldyou what night is the dinner?

Thursday.
So grateful to you lovely ladies! No-one I want to confide in in RL 😀

He suggested Thursday/Friday/Saturday or Sunday. - I am busy on Fri and Sat and going on hols Sun. I did actually tell him my plans for Fri and Sat because they are not dates and I wanted him not to think they were.

It varies from person to person.

My husband's ex got together with DH's pal about a year after he was widowed - they went straight to moving in together because he'd lost his tenancy. She'd lost her Affair Partner a bit earlier. The widower had two adult children and several grandchildren. One child and all the grandchildren actually disowned him.

One child didn't. The rest reconciled when he got a terminal diagnosis - obviously an extreme situation.

After he died, the ex got together with another widower less than a year later. My husband's family were fine with her having a new partner each time. Having said that, it's up to the individual.

I've been widowed 4 yrs and have no interest in acquiring a new man.

I know a couple of men who are widowed and they are biggest womanisers going.
They have the perfect excuse to cut and run after reeling women in. One was also recently done for fraud.
Just because he's a widower doesn't make him a saint.

Good morning OP,
I have the updates and see you are a rower. If he gets too fresh with you, you will have the strength to push him off.

This middle age dating is a bloody nightmare. It's like recycled clothing, you never know if it has moth! 😅

I use to be a big drinker and hide my opinions in the bottle. I now speak my mind. If someone is pushing my boundaries I speak up.
Mr Luce will be recycled but hopefully they'll keep me going for a bit. I don't want to leave my adult DC (the DD is adamant no new stepmother). She's a student so she part of the package.

You can only be true to yourself. If you find you are compromising your life for him he's not for you. Also be careful around money. Lots of male golddigers out there. My BFF has just been stung.