Widower - how soon is too soon?

[Widowerwouldyou]

Sorry - very long!

TL:DR - recent widower - how to proceed.

I am recently divorced, had a two year relationship after the divorce. I was quite naive as wasn’t expecting it and hadn’t ‘dated’ for 30 years so missed all the signals that people on here are more au-fait with in terms of the dating landscape now.
He had serious issues tho’ and we split a year ago, but still part of wider friendship group.
Recently at an event with a hobby group of friends I got chatting to a guy who has recently been more active in the group and who I didn’t know before. Amazing evening -really good conversation about lots of things we have in common. I don’t keep up with gossip etc so hadn’t realised that was widowed a year ago. We gravitated towards each other and talking together most of the evening and with other people in a very natural way -I suspect because he had a healthy relationship with his wife and is used to socialising as a couple and I was in a way fulfilling a similar role.
At the end of the evening I said I was going soon. He said he would leave when I did. We left and walked towards my home. I said -okay -this is where I cross the road. He said goodbye, and (surprising to me) kissed me. All good, both waved. I walked 2mins home.
Texted him to say -lovely conversation! He texted back yes -happy to talk any time.
I have been away on holiday since. We have exchanged a few messages about the hobby and as I am back late today I suggested we meet up got a quick drink to chat about an event I am planning relating up the hobby group. He was very keen and said he is meeting his MiL for lunch and would love to meet up in the evening.
I think it is lovely he is with his MiL and must be very poignant as is Mother’s Day, and her first without her DD/his wife. I did say if he felt later that he preferred not to meet then it was no prob and we could meet another time. But he was adamant he wanted to meet.
I suspect there may be also a wariness about me because my ex bf is on the fringe of the friendship group, still single and has been jealous in the past of other men interested in me.
I don’t to be predatory - would like to see how a natural friendship evolves. I don’t want to take advantage of his grief /of course he will be feeling a massive loss after a long and happy marriage.
Would welcome any views or experiences…
(Am a 20+year mumsnetter / name changed for this 😀 )

Just commenting again to say that although I've been in a relationship with a widower for six years, if I were suddenly single, I would think twice about dating another widower. I also wouldn't be happy about the wearing of the wedding ring, but that's me and my opinion.

I think a year's fine, particularly if his wife's death was expected. It was two years from my DH's terminal diagnosis to his peaceful death, and my grief will have been very different from that of someone who lost their partner suddenly or traumatically.

That said, I knew that I didn't want to be partnered up again, and my issue was friends who were desperate for me to find someone else!

This. There's a weird tendency to default ‘Oh, widower, hence grieving, hence terribly nice man ‘. Which is quite mad, obviously. Assholes also lose spouses.

My friend’s widowed father picked up a widow on a residential weekend for the newly bereaved, a month after his wife died, and treated her remarkably badly. Friend says she’s pretty sure that had her mother not got cancer in her 40s, she’d have divorced him. He’s in his 80s now and has never remarried, despite proposing to a succession of women and being stinking rich. Which suggests a heartening level of self-preservation instinct.

Thanks - interesting about whether long term illness or sudden death etc. In my mother’s case, my father’s illness was so long they had time to face it together/ talk about how she practically would manage money etc (and he had left a letter with his solicitor for her to be given after his death, telling her how much she meant to him ) so she had actually had a lot of time to ‘pre-grieve’ and there was no sudden shock, or regret over anything left unsaid -which I imagine must be poignant with eg s traffic accident.
In the case of this guy, I don’t know the circs of his wife’s demise. I could easily find out from mutual friends but don’t want to alert them to the potential interest 😀 - I suspect there may have been some chuckles about us leaving the party together the evening me met - so will just let it emerge through natural conversation. He may actually assume that I know from the wider hobby/friendship group. I don’t mind at all about the wedding ring, or his FB status as married / I see that as a real positive. Perhaps because I am not looking away for marriage or living with anyone again. I don’t think this would bother me at all even if it does eventually turn into something more serious.

Agree!
In this case, one if things I really like about him is that he gives up his time to volunteer for helping out with things -Scouts etc -and recently spent an afternoon helping a mutual friend cleaning the friends boat etc.
What may be seen as a red flag, but for me is green, is that his MiL stayed with him for a few days over Mother’s Day - I assume must be poignant for them both this year, but he didn’t make a point of that, it only emerged in conversation because the evening me met she was at his home with the dog and the conversation was around how she and the dog had a mutual dislike of each other.

You are investing a LOT of mental energy in what this guy may be thinking/anticipating. I've heard this type of thinking before and there is a risk you become so absorbed in understanding his thoughts and his motivations and an imagined future that you lose sight of your own enjoyment, judgement and boundaries. One step at a time.

As PP say

• just because he's widowed doesn't mean he's not a sick
• Men move on quicker than women especially for companionship and domestic support as well as for physical intimacy.
• inviting a woman round for dinner is hoping things will get physically intimate soon. Doesn't mean he'd bet on it but means he's up for it. And don't underestimate the ability of men to get physical with women from the same social activity with no intention of making it serious/exclusive.

Thank you -yes (massively grateful to people helping me make sense of this.)
In the past I haven’t given enough thought to the other person’s feelings etc, just bumbled through. And with my recent exbf, should have been more attune. In this case, I want to be sensitive to the subtleties, because we have mutual friends do any fallout impacts on the group dynamic. Totally going to take it slow with the sex. This date may well be the last - who knows - am not counting on it necessarily developing further. Going to his house is more natural than it would be in an OLD situation - eg he has arranged a party at his in a couple of weeks time for the hobby group and we all live within a couple of miles of each other.
I do fancy him, and would enjoy some cuddling (gosh this is so outing if any of my friends are on here 😂) but will make it clear that sex is not on offer at this stage because I need to get to know a person before that happens. And, if he has heard about me from
other people, he will know that I am very sociable but don’t flit from man to man and known not to be on the hunt for one 😂

i dont think there is a “right time” i think as an individual its when you are ready. could be 6 months or 5 years but until your ready its not “the right time”

Good luck tonight op.

Thank you!! I just love this kindness from strangers 😀😀😀

I would just echo PPs re treading sensitively when it comes to his adult children/other loved ones. My DH's mum (who he was very close to) died when he was 20 after a short illness. His dad (who'd been devoted to her) moved on pretty quickly - within 6 months he'd moved a new partner in (without telling DH who was still living at home...) and was engaged.

Obviously that is quicker than in this case and I'd hope that this guy would be a bit more tactful/sensitive! But DH was devastated both on his own behalf and for what he saw as a betrayal of his mum. It massively tainted his relationship with both his dad and his new stepmother, particularly initially. His stepmum is actually lovely and still very happily married to his dad a decade later, and DH is now happy that his dad found love again, but at the time it was a VERY different story and both he and his brother didn't speak to his dad for a year or more. So do just be aware that however ready this guy is, and however happy you might make each other, this isn't happening in a vacuum and other people will be impacted.

Having said all that you sound lovely, as does he, and I wish you all the happiness 😊

Has he got little kids to look after? Is he 75? IE he's looking for a nanny with a fanny, or a nurse with a purse?

Thank you! He seems lovely. Very grounded. I do fancy him ☺️ but am just going to let him lead, but if he does go too fast for me I will be very open about wanting to go slow - and also be open as to what I want (and don’t want! -ie instant coupledom). The fact that we have a mutual friendship group means that even without the widow situation I would want to be discreet and let things develop slowly.

I hope the meal is delicious and you both have a l lovely evening.

Why should you have to be alone for a certain amount of time so other people can feel it’s ok to them for to you to start dating. The only people who should have a say is you and a potential new partner

I had a date with a man who had been widowed 15 months, and was not the first woman he had dated.
It was way too soon. Way way too soon.

I'm sure you are very pleased with yourself for writing that repellent comment. But unless you have anything intelligent to say, probably best not to comment further.

Good luck OP.

I am 3 years into a relationship with a widower. He lost his wife to cancer in their late 30’s and he had 2 years or time with her after her diagnosis and grief counselling so had done a lot of his grieving.

The first year we took it very slowly as he had teenagers and it was all new territory for us both.

He doesn’t wear a wedding ring and he doesn’t have lots of her stuff still around or photos. There is a family portrait and a couple of small pictures of her and the kids.

It has been pretty plain sailing and I have been accepted by his children, his family and welcomed with open arms by his wife’s family which feels lovely.

Just go with the flow and enjoy it for what it is/turns into.

Well you learn something new every day

Behave. Both those comments are common Mumsnet parlance.

Yes they are...sadly.

Best evening!!! Will update tomorrow to seek further advice 😀

This sounds promising...

It was just the best evening. We were both nervous initially, but the conversation just flowed very naturally and food was amazing. It was relaxing and enjoyable - like spending the evening with a good friend. He mentioned his wife naturally (by name) in the context of discussing events/places etc. He showed me round the house (I’m planning building work and the houses are similar) and only photo of her was on the fridge on the order of service for her funeral. I was surprised to see that she died last year on 1April, so I did tell him I felt bad about having sent him a couple of April fool jokes things I’d seen on Facebook. He just laughed and said, no, that’s fine /she had a great sense of humour and they were funny.
I was intending to leave around 10, but ended up staying till nearly 1am. The kissing just started quite naturally - boy is he a good kisser! Maybe the ‘widow’s fire’ the PP referred to😂. I was open about really enjoying it and wanting to go further but that I didn’t want to that evening. I explained that I’d like to get to know him, do stuff together (we have a lot of shared sporting interests) and just go slow with the sex.
He was absolutely fine with that so we’ll see…
I am going on holiday for a week on Sunday so we’ll meet when I get back..

I'm excited for you. Sounds really lovely and I agree with you taking it slowly. I'd definitely be staying in touch whilst on holiday so he doesn't forget you 😉