DH refuses to help with the newborn over weekend

[Ekitty]

AIBU to be angry at him? I gave birth 3 weeks ago, long labour, episiotomy, tearing and huge hemorrhoids. Also had an infection so was on antibiotics for the past week. It was very challenging time as I needed to go to hospital almost every day and we don’t have any support here (both our parents are in the other country and couldn’t come). DH and I decided to do “shifts” with the baby. He takes care of our little one at the evening and at night when he is not working and happy to help (20:00-02:00). My shift is 02:00-20:00. However, this weekend he told me that shifts are reasonable just during weekdays. In his opinion, I should take care of baby 24/7 during weekends because he is tired and he needs time to recharge before new week. “Recharge” is playing video games with online friends. It feels not fair to me - I don’t have time to do the things I want, I don’t even have proper sleep or time to recover. We don’t have a nanny, housekeeper or anyone who can come and help. And it seems very hard to take care of a baby and do the chores on your own. Is it okay that I am frustrated and angry at my husband? Or I should be more tolerant?

Fine, look after the baby all weekend but don’t you dare do any cleaning and cooking, especially not for him, the selfish git.

Of course you shouldn’t be more tolerant anger is normal.

newborns are hard and there is no respite but try and get some for each other. Not all weekend but time each

Of course it’s not reasonable. If anything he’s doing a lot on the weekdays to be fair but at the weekend he should be doing a lot more. When do YOU get to recharge and recover?

Fuck that.

No, it's not reasonable that he sits in his arse playing video games at the weekend. You already do 18 hours a day during the week and he expects 24 hrs a day at the weekend.

Nah.

I actually had a similar issue with my DP back in the day. So, I went to another country with my baby to visit my family so I could recover and get support. When I felt strong enough, I returned home and explained that things were unfair and that he had to step up. And then I gave him the choice and went back to my baby.

He asked us to return home and he stepped up.

I would have been willing to stay with my family if he hadn't.

Just saying, this ain't right, and you do know it because this isn't what you hoped for is it?

(Edited for typo)

You are not being unreasonable. Others will come along soon to tell you the best way to handle this exhausting situation. I am so sorry you are going through so much post partum I’ll health and misery.

Meanwhile, do not have any more babies with him. He’s selfish so there’s no point in digging an even deeper hole for yourself.

You're being unreasonable to expect him to help. He needs to parent. He also needs to care for you after you literally grew a person and are recovering.

He is being a dick.

This! I don’t have any time for myself. When I tell him that I am still in pain because of stitches and piles, he just says, “You will heal, it’s ok”.

Go home to your parents.
What a selfish pig you have chosen to have a child with.
Go home asap.

What a lazy bastard!

If your mum can't come to you, could you go and stay with her?

So he has a 6 hour shift when the baby must be asleep at least some of the time and you have an 18 hour shift? This seems unfair. When both DS were little, DH did MORE on the weekends, not less.

On weekdays I went up to bed early and he had baby until around 11 so I could get some sleep uninterrupted. I did do the night shifts when he was back at work. We would usually go back to bed just as he left for work(with first baby as no school run). Then he would take the baby if an evening so I could get on with something or have some time to myself. On a weekend he would do as much of the night shift Friday/Saturday as possible as baby was bf. With second he gave a bottle overnight and with both take baby in the day in the weekend so I could nap.

Your DH absolutely should be stepping up, things will settle down but right now neither of you will get much “recharging”.

So even when he does his shift you actually only get 6 hours in a full chunk of time to rest. He’s incredibly selfish. I don’t understand the mentality of men who have children then behave like this. If I was you I would do as suggested, take care of yourself and the baby. Rest when you can. Everything else can wait & he can sort himself out.

Theoretically yes. The only issue is she is in New Zealand. It takes ages to get there.

Eurgh, he is being horrendous. Your need so much love and cara after the battering you've been through with childbirth. If you can go stay with your parents / family to come stay, I definitely would. I'd also be questioning how worthwhile he is as a long-term partner if this is his attitude at the moment. My husband just coped with the fact that he was really, really tired, but he dealt with it so I had as much time to rest and recover as possible.

He is absolutely taking the piss here!

Frankly if my husband had said the same thing to me I would have simply replied with your a parent either parent or leave. He should be doing more at weekends not less!

He doesn't get the option to be gaming all weekend just because he wants to

Reading threads like this, where men show such a cruel and callous disregard for the woman they supposedly love, who has literally just given birth, is utterly depressing.

Who the fuck are these despicable men? Why are they like this?

Is this your first baby together?
You should be caring for the baby and only that. Stop doing all chores, rest when ever you can so that your body has a chance to heal.

He needs to stop with the video games, and start with the cooking washing cleaning and shopping. He isn't twelve years old!!

' video games with online friends ' says it all.

how old is this child you have married ?

That’s unacceptable. You need to recover and heal. Tell your family. Tell his family. It sounds like he needs his mum and dad giving him a good talking to. What a selfish child he is. Can your family come over to help?

I was in a similar situation, parents in a different country, baby's father a man-child. As soon as I could I had a PP done for baby and went to my parents'. I stayed 6 weeks and caught up with sleep, food, rest and feeling human again. I went back and forth throughout my year of Mat Leave. I strongly recommend you do the same OP, if you can. Your partner won't look after you so you need to do this yourself, for you and your baby. All the best OP x

What a winner.

This is so upsetting, it’s so callous. I’m sorry op, it’s a complete lack of love and care at a time when you need it most.

So he gets 2 days a week to do nothing but ‘recover’? And you get zero days?
That’s clearly not fair, before you even take into account the fact you gave birth, and are dealing with infections and that recovery. Also how many hours a day does he work?
it sounds like you get 6 hours ‘off’ a day and if he works an 8 hour day he gets 10 hours ‘off’ a day. Which is 20 extra hours than you a week, before you count the 48 over the weekend. Unless he works a 12 hour day, or he comes home and does housework before his shift with the baby that’s not fair either.

look after the baby and yourself. Do not do a thing for him, once you’re feeling better, start planning to leave.

Why on earth does this fine specimen of a man think he can be a Monday to Friday parent only? Does he not understand that babies need care 7 days a week and he's a parent, not hired help for weekdays...

If he isn't interesting in being a proper parent then unfortunately I think you have some thinking to do, OP.

How nice for him. He gets 2 full days off and you get zero - every single week🥴

Not RTFT but please note: it’s not “helping” - that language suggests it’s your job and he’s just doing you a favour. It’s parenting and it’s required every day.

What a horrible man. Was he this selfish pre kids or is there more to it perhaps?