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Original poster

DH refuses to help with the newborn over weekend

90 replies

Ekitty · 29/03/2025 21:00

AIBU to be angry at him? I gave birth 3 weeks ago, long labour, episiotomy, tearing and huge hemorrhoids. Also had an infection so was on antibiotics for the past week. It was very challenging time as I needed to go to hospital almost every day and we don’t have any support here (both our parents are in the other country and couldn’t come). DH and I decided to do “shifts” with the baby. He takes care of our little one at the evening and at night when he is not working and happy to help (20:00-02:00). My shift is 02:00-20:00. However, this weekend he told me that shifts are reasonable just during weekdays. In his opinion, I should take care of baby 24/7 during weekends because he is tired and he needs time to recharge before new week. “Recharge” is playing video games with online friends. It feels not fair to me - I don’t have time to do the things I want, I don’t even have proper sleep or time to recover. We don’t have a nanny, housekeeper or anyone who can come and help. And it seems very hard to take care of a baby and do the chores on your own. Is it okay that I am frustrated and angry at my husband? Or I should be more tolerant?

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 29/03/2025 22:42

I would tell him to fucking get with the program and care for his child. That he doesn’t get to be a lazy parent and play games instead of caring for his child.

That if he wants a break you also get an equal one.

GoodCharl · 30/03/2025 06:44

? Gaming with his mates? Is he only 16? Id make plans to get your ducks in a row. This wont get better. Unsupportive.

SendBooksAndTea · 30/03/2025 06:48

Tell him you're too tired to look after two babies, especially when one of them is an arse.

Hoggyhoghog · 30/03/2025 06:51

Imagine your life with two children with this man!

He is telling you who he really is.

Start making plans to leave him he will only get worse.

MrsMontyD · 30/03/2025 07:04

Dery · 29/03/2025 22:11

Not RTFT but please note: it’s not “helping” - that language suggests it’s your job and he’s just doing you a favour. It’s parenting and it’s required every day.

Absolutely, this language says a lot about the relationship

user1492757084 · 30/03/2025 07:08

Book him in to care for baby for at least two, two hour day time stints each day on the weekends..
Suggest a pram walk each day and another time that is particularly helpful to you.
At night you could compromise by giving him Sunday night to sleep all night in readiness for the new week and you could have more sleep on Friday nights

No generosity from him - buy a ticket to New Zealand and see him again in four months.

justmeandmyselfandi · 30/03/2025 07:08

Obviously he's an asshole

Whyherewego · 30/03/2025 07:16

This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a while. He literally doesn't want to see the baby all weekend?
I'd second PP, I don't care if you have to fly to NZ, just get away from this man until you're strong enough to tell him how selfish he's being. He needs to shape up or ship out.

Conundrumseverywhere · 30/03/2025 07:24

I would have divorced my husband if he’d done that.

PotThePens · 30/03/2025 07:26

You need to rephrase it as parenting, helping will always suggest it is your job to do something whether that is looking after the baby or any housework. It is parenting and being an adult.

The fact that he is being aloof and dismissive about your stitches with the flippant you will heal is very worrying. You are meant to be the woman he loves, who he cares for. I feel I would remind him of that too.

And no, he doesn't get all weekend to "recover" from working FFS, he is a parent and you are meant to be a team. Right from the start Dh would do as much as he could except breastfeed. That would mean night wakings where he would change the baby's nappy and resettle him whilst I went back to sleep. He would make me a lunch every morning before work so that I had something to eat with no effort. The second he came through the door he rolled up his sleeves and did whatever needed doing. That is a Dad. Leisurely activities took a back seat. So your Dh is doing it right in the week but that doesn't mean he gets to clock out for the entire weekend.

Your body is also recovering from growing a human inside you never mind the birth injuries you have endured. Plus he has never solo parented at this point either, you are always there unlike when you solo parent during the day.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in his family who might also give him a kick up the backside? I would be handing the baby over and saying it is your turn to parent your child.

Happy Mother's Day too. Flowers

VoodooQualities · 30/03/2025 07:33

No no no no no. His priorities: baby first, wife second, job and chores third equal.

An hour or two of video games on a Sunday or whatever AFTER all the rest is done is OK. But only after all the rest is done and only if he takes actual active steps to make sure you get the same amount of me time too.

Hazeby · 30/03/2025 07:36

It’s going to get worse BTW because although newborns keep you up all night, they aren’t much work in between feeds. Wait til it’s a toddler and needs entertaining. He needs to sort himself out now.

BillyBoe46 · 30/03/2025 07:40

Telll him do fix up or fuck off. While he's not work he parents. It's not optional. Your child still needs care at the weekend. When do you get to rest, recharge and have downtime? I bet he's one of these prices that thinks you're at home sleeping, relaxing and eating chocolate biscuits all day. You had a baby 3 weeks ago. You need rest and care. You aren't going to get that off of this dickhead.

Have you done the baby's birth certificate yet? It might be.worth considering double barrelling the babies surname. If he is like this 3 weeks in I doubt your relationship will last the year.

Codlingmoths · 30/03/2025 07:42

The one who should be tolerant is the one whose wife just had a baby and is struggling. NOT YOU. Tell him if he’s not a dad or a husband on the weekend he can fuck off out of the house then and not come back till the Monday, and you can be honest with all of your friends and family that he refuses to do anything for baby or you while you’re still struggling post birth so you’re solo all weekend. Otherwise they will assume you get help in the weekend because you have a partner!! Op, he made vows to you and he’s now broken these as one of life’s hardest points, when you’re recovering from birth and looking after a newborn who is HIS BABY TOO. Take your wedding ring off, he isn’t a husband except in name.

Codlingmoths · 30/03/2025 07:45

Ekitty · 29/03/2025 21:08

This! I don’t have any time for myself. When I tell him that I am still in pain because of stitches and piles, he just says, “You will heal, it’s ok”.

Show quote history

This makes me want to stab him with a rusty fork, leave it in and twist. It’s truly a horrible way to treat your wife who gave birth to your baby, most of us treat casual acquaintances far better than this.

justmeandmyselfandi · 30/03/2025 07:52

I'm so disgusted by this, most useless fathers don't check out in the first few weeks. I think you need to seriously think about if you want to be with him, things will just get harder and he needs to step up now. Who the f does he think he is playing video games. I think this is the worst I've seen on here. Unbelievable. I'd honestly make a plan to leave.

MsCactus · 30/03/2025 08:05

What an asshole. Why doesn't he volunteer to have his perineum cut open and stitched back together then? Because it doesn't matter does it - "it'll heal"

beAsensible1 · 30/03/2025 08:09

Ekitty · 29/03/2025 21:13

Theoretically yes. The only issue is she is in New Zealand. It takes ages to get there.

Show quote history

Easier to go when baby is small.

Lotsofsnacks · 30/03/2025 08:16

My DH couldn’t wait to spend time with baby DC when he finished work for the weekend. He’d sit and cuddle and play with them, and change nappies while I had a shower/did us dinner etc. it was a team effort. He used to help with bathtime etc most days, because he liked spending time with DC. Babies go to bed early, after 4 months mine was in bed for 7 every night so he can help out first, do his gaming after. But at the minute your baby will need you more for feeds. So why can’t baby go to sleep on him, after you’ve fed them, on a weekend? It’s not a chore he will be just sat snuggling dc, but it allows you some time. You need to speak to him and be firm

femfemlicious · 30/03/2025 08:21

hby9628 · 29/03/2025 21:13

So even when he does his shift you actually only get 6 hours in a full chunk of time to rest. He’s incredibly selfish. I don’t understand the mentality of men who have children then behave like this. If I was you I would do as suggested, take care of yourself and the baby. Rest when you can. Everything else can wait & he can sort himself out.

They have no clue how hard having a baby is and then their ingrained prejudice is activated. Most men deep down think the baby is the wife's responsibility. They refuse to step up and cone out of their comfort zone

femfemlicious · 30/03/2025 08:23

Lotsofsnacks · 30/03/2025 08:16

My DH couldn’t wait to spend time with baby DC when he finished work for the weekend. He’d sit and cuddle and play with them, and change nappies while I had a shower/did us dinner etc. it was a team effort. He used to help with bathtime etc most days, because he liked spending time with DC. Babies go to bed early, after 4 months mine was in bed for 7 every night so he can help out first, do his gaming after. But at the minute your baby will need you more for feeds. So why can’t baby go to sleep on him, after you’ve fed them, on a weekend? It’s not a chore he will be just sat snuggling dc, but it allows you some time. You need to speak to him and be firm

This is how it should be but most men are not ready for the change having a baby brings. They don't truly want to bring up a child. They just want a child to pass on their genes

femfemlicious · 30/03/2025 08:28

@Ekitty this man has shown you who he is, believe him. No matter what you do, don't have any more kids with this man or else you will have yourself to blame! . Don't come back here in a few years after having more children with this man

EarthSight · 30/03/2025 08:30

Ekitty · 29/03/2025 21:08

This! I don’t have any time for myself. When I tell him that I am still in pain because of stitches and piles, he just says, “You will heal, it’s ok”.

Show quote history

I'm sorry OP, but that is so flippant and totally lacking in empathy thing to say that he sounds like a cunt. So shocking that this is leaving-my-husband material. It's so revealing about the way he thinks.

I'm afraid too many men -

  • See pain & suffering as women's lot in life, therefore you should shut up about it
  • Plan to carry on their lives much as they did pre-children, and therefore they will put that first in front of everything else and in front of your wellbeing
  • Regard their wives as the equivalent of white household goods. Therefore, when it breaks down, it's seen as an irksome inconvenience. Just like they wouldn't feel empathy for a washing machine, they don't feel empathy for their wives when they're sick or in serious need of support.
flyinghen · 30/03/2025 08:34

I’m sorry you’ve had a baby with a selfish asshole. You aren’t being unreasonable at all, he needs to help and realise his life has changed now. No more sitting around playing video games all day, he needs to parent!

DollyDreamy · 30/03/2025 08:35

Get to NZ, even if you need to use a credit card. Stay there for as long as you need to and tell him he can use the time to recharge. Then think very carefully about an exit plan so you are prepared to leave him anytime you want.

I don’t see how you can come back from this in the long-term. When you are back on your feet and feeling emotionally stronger and more independent in life, whenever that may be, you will look back at how he treated you at your most vulnerable, and at the lack of love nurturing he showed for your baby, and it is likely that you feel disgust towards him. Just try and get through this part though and book a flight asap.