DH refuses to help with the newborn over weekend

[Ekitty]

AIBU to be angry at him? I gave birth 3 weeks ago, long labour, episiotomy, tearing and huge hemorrhoids. Also had an infection so was on antibiotics for the past week. It was very challenging time as I needed to go to hospital almost every day and we don’t have any support here (both our parents are in the other country and couldn’t come). DH and I decided to do “shifts” with the baby. He takes care of our little one at the evening and at night when he is not working and happy to help (20:00-02:00). My shift is 02:00-20:00. However, this weekend he told me that shifts are reasonable just during weekdays. In his opinion, I should take care of baby 24/7 during weekends because he is tired and he needs time to recharge before new week. “Recharge” is playing video games with online friends. It feels not fair to me - I don’t have time to do the things I want, I don’t even have proper sleep or time to recover. We don’t have a nanny, housekeeper or anyone who can come and help. And it seems very hard to take care of a baby and do the chores on your own. Is it okay that I am frustrated and angry at my husband? Or I should be more tolerant?

Your marriage is doomed.

Maybe he should have a vasectomy, then he will know what it's like to be slit either side.

His full time job is work. Yours is baby. The rest of the time (and household tasks) should be split between the two of you. He gets one lie in / day off at a weekend then so should you.

I'm really surprised at the replies on here. So, is he working full time Monday to Friday and then coming home each night and having the baby 20:00-02:00 so you can rest, then having about 4 hours sleep himself before getting up and doing it all again? If that's the case, I dont think he's unreasonable. Looking after a newborn really is not that hard. It's tiring and exhausting but not overly difficult. You have everyday to rest when the baby rests etc. I think you're expecting alot of your husband tbh.

No you shouldn’t be more tolerant. Yes he’s being unfair. Stop doing the housework so much. Just do the essentials for you and the baby. He can wash his own clothes and cook his own meals. Hire a cleaner from joint money if you can afford it.

Why doesn’t he want to spend time with his precious newborn? I don’t understand how these men don’t want to be cuddling and looking after their brand new baby.

My DH was head over heels in love with our DD as soon as she was born. He wanted to be with her and care for her. He would have been upset at doing nothing with her for a whole weekend. He would have missed her. He missed her while he was at work during the day. When he’d get home I’d hand her over and have a shower in peace or retreat to our bedroom for an hour or so while they spent time together. On weekends he increased how much he looked after DD. I’d rarely have to change a nappy on weekends. We’d share doing the bottlefeeds. Every night he’d take the late shift with her while I went to bed early. He’d do her first overnight feed at around 11pm/midnight and go to bed. I’d take over from about 2am/3am when she woke for her next feed. That way we both got a decent block of uninterrupted sleep and could feel partly human.

What a vile, vile dickhead.

Men like this won’t change no matter how much they are challenged on their behaviour.

You need to get away from him OP otherwise you’re in for a lifetime of his utter selfishness.

Speak for yourself. Not all babies are easy. Not all mother's find it easy. Especially when they care for a man child and are still physically recovering from birth injuries.

I imagine he’s sleeping for a good chunk of those 6 hour though. What do you think he’s doing? Forcing himself to stay awake whilst staring wide eyed at his sleeping baby for 6 hours straight?

"Help" isn't the word. That word comes from a place of assuming that 100% of baby-work is rightly yours, and that he is doing you a favour to take 6hrs of it 4 or 5 nights a week (24-30hrs)

in fact he is 50% responsible for this baby, who has needs 168hrs a week (24x7) and if neither of you had any other responsibilities that would be 84 hrs each. Ok so it's right he gets a "discount" as he's working but his contribution of 30hrs childcare and (?) 40hrs paid work looks pretty pathetic to me compared to the 138hrs of childcare he expects you to manage solo. You're doing about twice as much as him.

A fair split, if you didn't want time together at all, would be for him to do about 60hrs of solo childcare per week on top of his work, leaving you with 108 hrs of childcare. It's gruelling for both, but survivable. Assuming you'd also like to spend some time together as a family during which time you are both equally putting in whatever is needed for childcare, then that would come out equally from both so e.g. he has 55hrs childcare and you have 103hrs to get yourselves 10hrs together.

Obviously neither of you is any more or less responsible than the other for cooking cleaning and laundry during your limited non-childcare times. Those should also be fairly divided.

He's a bit of a knob though.

You are very lucky to have a great husband. My ex husband refused point blank to change nappies

FIne - use the weekend to look after yourself and the baby. Screw the house, his washing and meals, he can DIY it.

Otherwise I would be tempted to head to New Zealand and spend the next 6 months there.

Your DP does not seem to realise it is a 24/7 responsibility and he is now a parent.

Nope, no way in hell. We did do shifts for nights, Dh taking the earlier shift until 12/1am or so and then I’d take over. But he’d take them as soon as he walked in the door from work at 5:30pm ish and he had then a good chunk of the weekend. Basically, early on, I mostly napped between feeds, so if not feeding, I was showering or napping or eating and Dh was walking around with a baby. He started a new business when our first was 2 months old and pretty much spent all his time doing web design and marketing with a baby strapped to him. Our first was also ff and he made every bottle for night feeds until she dropped them at 9 months, even when it was his ‘shift’ to be sleeping, he still went and made the bottle.

I’ve both been home with a baby FT and I’ve worked FT with 5am starts and a 3 hour London commute. I can tell you which one I needed time to ‘recharge’ from and it wasn’t work. If looking after a baby is so easy that you don’t need time off too during the weekend, then why can’t he do it? Why doesn’t he take over for the weekend and you can rest, and then he can tell you on Sunday if he thinks he could do it all week and the next weekend without any tangible support? My guess is he’d be crushed because he sounds like a bit of a weakling.

It doesn’t get easier from here, things change, but you still need support because it won’t be easier. It sounds like it’s time for a serious talk and he can ship off somewhere if he isn’t going to get stuck in because he’s too lazy.

I’m glad that yours is now an exH. My DH in fact took on the worst nappies because I have a very sensitive sense of smell and he doesn’t. I’d be nearly vomiting from it and he’d barely show any reaction. Fifteen years on and he’s still a very involved and hands on dad. Neither of his parents were particularly involved or caring parents when he was growing up and he wanted different for his own child.

A 3 weeks pp he should be doing everything possible to help you rest abd heal! What, he's been a present father dor 3 while weeks and now the shiny has worn off? Wtf? Parents don't get to opt out of parenting 2 days out of 7. If you can't handle that don't have kids.
And what do you mean he 'told you'? If he'd said, 'I'm absolutely knackered, can you manage the baby all night Sunday so I can get a full sleep before work please' then I'd have sympathy. But sitting on his backside for 48 hours playing video games? Grow the hell up. It's been THREE WEEKS. Not like he's been doing it all for months.

Before the baby was born you were both responsible for household work.

Now the baby is born, you gave up work to look after the baby so you didn't have to pay someone else to do that.

You didn't give up work to do chores. They are still his responsibility.

And if you think about the baby as your job, you are doing way more than 40 hours a week. You are doing 18hrs per day in the week plus 48 hours on weeks. That's a 138hr week not even on minimum wage with no rest days. Plus taking on responsibility for his share of the chores. Plus you don't seem to qualify for sick leave due to your current health. And you are doing the unsociable hours as part of that.

All because he has the big important job and thinks he's higher social status. He thinks you are his personal slave to serve him. He thinks this is fair.

This tells you how much he loves and respects you. This tells you how much he values time with his own child.

A good parent doesn't opt not to deal with their child on 'their days off'. They parent because they want to and because they know it's their responsibility. Without having to draw up a shitty controlling rota, paying lip service to your health and gaslighting you that this is somehow 'fair'. This is actually bordering on emotional and financial abuse purely because he's the one bringing in the money.

This is not a healthy relationship.

I actually wouldn't say you should go 50:50 if he's working and has to be professional. But he should recognise when you are physically and emotionally struggling and actually a) give a shit b) actually help rather than coldly refering to a rota.

Parenting and being in a relationship is about give and take. It's about working together not dictating terms as if it's a job position. It's about recognising responsibilities and valuing doing essential tasks that actually would be expensive if outsourced.

He sees childcare as women's work and gives you crumbs off the table to create the illusion that he's 'helping'. As if he's generous. He's not. He's manipulative and disrespectful. He's unsupportive and lacks any empathy.

Your marriage is doomed unless you have a serious conversation about responsibility and giving a shit about you and the baby. You are not inconveniences to his gaming time. When do you get your equal 'me time'?!

He's a selfish prick. Wake up. Don't let this fester. Hill to die on time.

You'd be better as a single parent in the long term with his attitude.

And sorry, HELP? You 'help' somebody with a task that is theirs to do. When you have a child you are equally responsible for it, he isn't helping you, he is parenting his own child.

Honestly God bless your husband 👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿

It'd tell him to get to fuck if he's not going to do his share of parenting and housework at the weekends.

He seems to be doing a lot during the week on top of working but unfortunately he doesn’t get to slack off at the weekend. Parenting is a seven day a week job for many many many years

She's 3 weeks post partum and has birth injuries that she hasn't recovered from. He would have been entitled to 2 weeks' paternity leave so has only been back at work for one week and he expects to have all his weekends free from any sort of care for his own child? I presume that the baby is asleep for at least some of the time between 20.00 and 02.00 so he is probably getting some sleep then.

Your standards for men are really low if you don't think that he is being unreasonable. His weekends will be exactly the same as they were before he became a father. How on earth is that fair?

Did you miss the bit about birth trauma, recovering from birth, large number of stitches and infection?! Followed by a lovely line from her H that it's OK she will heal when she is trying to tell him she's in pain and exhausted?!

So a man child gets to rest all weekend leaving the apparent love of life to care for a newborn whilst hobbling about in pain and struggle with simple things of getting up, sitting etc?!

She hasn't put it in her posts but that us the reality of episiotomy, infection and stitches?!

Your bar is incredibly low for husbands!

I bet his looking forward to his Easter break!

I mean really, like DC don’t need care 365 days a year.

Pathetic he is!

Just do the bare minimum for you and your baby - no washing or cooking for him / no clean up after him. Look for counselling as it seems he needs it or you’ll soon split up.
Being alone is hard but having a partner like yours is harder.
Make your own life as easy as possible and sleep when your baby sleeps; your baby will be more wakeful from a month old and routines have to change.

Well if it’s not hard work, he can do sone at the weekend? You think a DF prioritising gaming over spending time with his child is acceptable?

I hope to god you’re not raising sons!

What? A 6 hour ‘shift’? Unless he works a 12 hour day (in which case this is equal!) he’s not doing enough. When a mother is recovering from birth he should be doing AT LEAST half (however you choose to split it- jobs/time etc)