Should I pay for everything?

[ainew201]

I make about 3500 a month benefits and wages together, I pay 600 in childcare. Pay most bills , my partner gives me 500 a month , he says he shouldn't have to pay for kids clothes which is only for Xmas easter etc ,he thinks I should pay for it as I earn more he goes as far to say he shouldn't have to even pay 500 a month for help towards food rent and other essentials, I pay for kids activity's broadband, myself and sons mobile phone. Childcare , and food gas electric also , am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at this he earns around 2000 a month but because I get more money I should pay for all of it , I just want to no if this is a reasonable request on his part

Why on earth shouldn't he pay for his own food and bills and housing, let alone also pay for his own children?

I just don't understand why he thinks he shouldn't have to pay his own way?

I'd be splitting the bills and child costs 50/50, if he doesn't like it he can move out and pay 100% of his own bills. See how he likes that.

You’re not asking too much to expect and grown adult to pay his fair share.

He's gaslighting you into doubting what’s right - turn the question round, why shouldn’t he contribute fairly towards the children he fathered?

He’s a selfish freeloading cocklodging scrounger who thinks his wants are more important than his kids needs.

He is absolutely a massive manipulator. And you really shouldn’t be ok with £500. Why is it on you to carry everything? Please think further. He is being totally unreasonable, unkind and selfish. He is shirking from his responsibilities. £500 a month is what you pay your mum if you’re still living at home and just start working. Not when you’re a grown man who is the father of two kids.

Sometimes 50:50 isn’t fair when one person earns way more then other. So some couples do a ratio based on income so in your case that would be a 65:35 split. Others decide to arrange it so that they both get to keep same amount and rest goes into joint expenses.

The fact he is complaining is very selfish of him tbh.

You should be wanting more than £500 though. As you have seen, low expectations are not rewarded.

He is a grown up - a father and a partner, yet is living like a useless waste of space. I don't know any adult with a partner and children who has only £500 monthly living expenses.
I cannot understand how an adult can just absolve themselves of responsibilities like this. Stop feeding the miserly fucker for a start.

And now you know this is unacceptable, I hope you'll put your feet down and stop going on about not wanting more. You and your children NEED more from him. If not to cover household expenses, then to pay for extra experiences or even to save for the children's future.

It doesn't matter that you earn more than him , he's a grown adult and should pay 50%of all costs.

So I'm in similar position but other way round (dp earns more) and we pay into joint acct proportionate amount according to our incomes, so he pays in more but also has bit more than me leftover each month (fine by me, he earns more so think he should have a bit more leftover personally for himself). Everything joint is paid from joint account. (House, food, kids stuff, literally anything that's joint expense).

For this conversation, your partner shouldn't be included your son's DLA or CM as that is your son's money - How much do you earn Pcm after this?

Also might be worth mentioning that if you two went your separate ways and he had his two children a couple of nights a week he'd have to give you around £320pm in CM - what the gov calc seems a fair contribution to their upbringing -so in actual fact he is getting a ridiculously good deal...

I would be putting it in exactly these terms but I am moderately combative in these situations! 😂

What is his behavior like otherwise? Does he divide household chores and looking after the children fairly according to time available? Also sounds like you work hard with a full time job and a side business. Does he work as hard as you? Is he trying to better himself and progress in career/life? Are you able to afford holidays? Is he contributing to that or does it look like he is trying to do the least he can?

He should pay his FAIR share. You earning more doesn't mean he should keep his money for himself. He eats food and consumes resources in the house and is also 50% responsible for the costs of two of the children.I doubt 500 quid even covers the expenses you incur by him being there.

By refusing, he is being financially abusive.
It's unlikely he will ever stop this. It benefits him so he has no reason to. He is essentially stealing from you and your children. You wouldn't accept that from anyone else, so don't accept it from him.

The benefits side of it is surely both of yours? You claim uc I assume as a couple? So the benefits side isn’t Just your income it’s also his part… and you receive that. I think 500 sounds crappy though and he should pay more than that. I always think you both should have the same disposable income left to play with. The same amount of fun money. Regardless of income. And also I don’t think it matters if the children are not his either as when you live together those children become his financial dependents.

I dont know why people have seperate money in long term relationships with kids or married partners. (Anyone living together with commitment etc) It just makes sense that you pool the lot and both have an allowance or something. I don't understand at all why he wouldn't put all his money into his family.

It would be worse for the OP if she did pool her money with this financially abusive arsheole though. He wouldn't just have access to his 'own' money then, he'd have free access to pretty much all of their joint income. And clearly he can't be trusted with that.

Edited for typo

I don’t understand men like this, if you are a family you all contribute. It should be all one pot or with a ratio of contribution. Either one is fine.

Haha, what makes an adult man think he can live somewhere for free? Are you his mummy?

The number of times we read on here about men who are the better paid of the couple insisting on splitting everything 50/50 to their own advantage, of course, and now we have this beauty.

If possible, I would draw up a list of all household expenses and sit down and talk him through it. See if you can get him to see sense. Otherwise, I think he'd be headed for the bin.

All bills need to be paid from a joint account which you both contribute equal amounts to. Then you keep anything that's left over. As your salary is higher you should then cover extras where possible, but the basics need to be 50/50.

Between you, there is 5500 coming in. You bring in 3500 and he brings in 2000. You bring in 64% of the money; he brings in 36%. You need to add up all yiur outgoings and whatever they come to, he contributes 36% and you contribute 64%.

So, if your total outgoings are £4300 (and yiu need to do a proper budget, including birthdays, Xmas, the maintenance fund, as well as all bills including Haircuts, dentist, dinner money, etc and dividing by 12), he needs to contribute £1548 and you need to contribute £2752.

You need to show him what things add up to. He needs to pull his weight. I couldn't live with a man like him.

That's a bit of a stretch. I'm a grown adult and earn a good wage, but my DH earns 4 times what I do. You think I should cover 50% of all costs?

From the other posts you say they benefits are from your children with your partner so blended family so the benefits are not just yours are they but you have added them to your income, why even if the eldest child which is not his has the disability then surely the income should just go in as one!

But he should put more of his income in the pot for joint expenditure and your shared children

Why aren't you looking for more money from him? Are you of the opinion too that women should pay for everything and only when they're on their arse should a man chip in? Or do you think men should be paying their way like an adult and father, and not like a teenager paying his mummy rent?

He's an entitled, selfish, tight arsehole and a bad father.

That’s £5500 household income per month….and some of it is benefits?????
i await the mumsnet pile-on!

It’s really difficult to respond on threads like this, because many people just can’t understand why you stay with someone like this, or how you don’t know that both parents should contribute.

OF COURSE he should be contributing to his own children and own life expenses!!

WHY wouldn’t he have to?

it’s all just batshit.

why stay with someone you don’t even seem to like, with good reason?

I’m still coughing over the £3.5k a month in wages AND BENEFITS.

I’m not thinking that her partner is the (to quote other Mumsnet replies to this post) ‘cocklodger’ here……..