Cheating need opinions

[mumoftwoboys321]

just curious if you found out your partner was a scum bag and cheating would you tell the other persons partner??

Depends on how much drama you want to bring to your already difficult situation. The other party may not react well to the situation and you become dragged into it. What do you gain by doing this? Likely your motivation will be seen as from your anger and upset.

Absolutely yes. But I’d make sure i did it in a calm and rational way so as not to be accused of being the crazy vindictive ex.

Id want to know if i were my partner

Depends on the situation but I’d say yes, but only when it suited me. They deserve to know and the AP deserves the consequences of their actions.

Yes

Well they are meeting up today neither one has given a shit about anyone but them selves both have children and she has a husband, I don’t want to cause drama but I don’t see why my children’s lives and hearts are shattered while her life stays perfectly in tact I feel her husband deserves to know as if the bout was on the other foot I would want to know how much of a mug they have made me

Would I want someone to tell me my partner was cheating and possibly passing on STDs?🤔

Yes.

I'd probably wonder how much drama would come my way and if it would make my life or that of my children any better.
I'd likely put my children first and make sure to put all my energy in helping them come to terms with the end of their parents marriage, rather than seek revenge for my own sake.

Yes of tell them. But as gently as possible with actual facts and proof.

Yes I would. Calmly and rationally. I would also offer him any proof you have if he wants it. I would then keep it in case he wants it a year or so down the line as he may not think rationally for a while.

Cheating can cause ptsd in some betrayed people.
Not ‘just friends’ by Shirley Glass
How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda McDonnell
Cheating in a nutshell by Mitchell and Mitchell

These books are good books to read whether you divorce or stay together and you may want to write them down for him. The surviving infidelity forum is a good resource - again write it down for him.

Cheaters are abusive. They risk their partners sexual health - some STDs are life changing. (And if their affair partner is married then they are a known liar so may be generally shagging around as they certainly can’t be trusted to tell the truth). They risk their spouses mental health. So I would let their spouse know so he can know his truth and protect himself as best he can.

Look after yourself op but yes I would tell him. I’d also tell a friend if I found out their spouse was cheating.

Totally agree - I would 💯 tell her partner. The pair cheating cunts deserve the consequences of their actions

You are not a mug. You trusted him and presumably stayed faithful. You, lovely, are the prize here. You don’t see it yet but you are.

The cheaty mccheatys may think they are loves young dream, the reincarnation of Romeo and Juliet but they are more like spotty Barry kissing Clare behind the bike shed after the year 10 disco when both have a boyfriend/girlfriend. It wasn’t cool then and it’s really uncool in middle age.

If he says he or she is now at risk as the husband knows then more fool them for putting themselves at such risk.

In a heartbeat

No I wouldn’t. You no nothing about her situation . And the kids don’t deserve this.

She didn’t cheat on you, your partner did. She didn’t put your life in tatters, your partner did. You don’t even know if she was the only woman he was seeing or if there are others. Save your revenge for him. She’s nothing.

I don’t know,

I am 39 and currently in therapy for the damage done between my mum and step mum when I was 3 onwards.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD from all the nastiness, arguing, shouting. I literally have a fear of people shouting and have extreme low self esteem. I fear upsetting people and have grown up too scared to say no / stand up for myself in case it erupted into a “you are just like your father” or “you are just like your mother” episode.

And also, you have no idea what her marriage and home life is like.

Sorry you’re going through this though 😞

I would. Because I would want to know.

I have been faithful and stood by him through thick and thin, had my suspicions for a couple of weeks but he told me I was wrong and he’s not guilty of anything and I believed him but then when he asked if I minded if he went out tonight for a work friends birthday I had this awful gut feeling so I snooped on his phone and there is it was messages about meeting today and how they can’t wait to see each other, then looked through photos and found a hidden album full of her pictures, woke him last night about it and he wouldn’t speak to me took himself to the sofa, left this morning took his evening clothes so guessing they are still meeting! Feel absolutely sick to the stomach while he’s out doing what he wants I have to pretend like everything is normal for the sake of the children, I feel so lost and alone and all I want is some answers don’t worry I know I won’t get them he’s basically ignored me all day so now I’ve got to figure out my way forward knowing that I ment so little to someone I thought loved me, thank you for your reply’s

Op do you have real life support?

Read the books I mention upthread and keep talking here if you need to.

You are the prize here, always remember that.

No not at this moment as I can’t tell anyone’s very sadly lost touch with most of friends over years he was very jealous in the beginning so we ended up being in a bubble most of my friends moved away and settled down and we lost contact I have some family but not ready to tell them just yet, thank you for the book suggestions I will look into them

Try the website for advice too. Lots of articles to read.

But try and eat and drink and exercise. Remember cheating can cause ptsd in some people.

Write down your values and why those matter to you. Return to read these when you have a bad hour or day.

And remember - you didn’t cause him to cheat. Nothing you did or didn’t do made him break his own wedding vows / his word. You are not powerful enough to make someone do something against their will.
I am faithful for me. My husband is annoying at times. But he can’t make me cheat. I am faithful for me. I said my vows in front of family and friends and those vows were mine. I said then for me and if I break my word then who am I? I have to look at myself every morning in the mirror and I want to like who I say. So I keep my word for me. My husband is my collateral damage.

Your spouse has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if my wife doesn’t find out.

Nothing my husband does can make me break my vows. Breaking my vows and acknowledging my word and vows don’t matter to me is solely my decision. I am faithful for me.

If you explore your values you may find out a lot of your choices are for you. So write down your values and when it’s tough live by those values. It may help if you are struggling.

The book ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant is a great book. Sounds daft but follow his instructions.

I think this is all very fresh OP, you only found out last night and he’s brushed you off so I’m guessing emotions are at their highest. For all you know the woman might be in an open relationship (long shot but people live their lives in all sorts of ways these days).

The main question is what do you want to gain from this? Do you want to tell the husband out of concern for him, or because you want the OW’s life to go up in flames like yours just has?

I’d be making arrangements to get out - channel your energy in to that. Pack all his bags for when he returns from his meeting, leave them by the door. You deserve better.

I did and I have no regrets.

I did it very gently and responsibly and gave the other party plenty of opportunity to come clean themselves. I did not do it in anger.

Knowing that another person's sexual health had been compromised and not telling them did not sit well with me. Having said that, I wouldn't judge anyone else for making a different decision. You need to do what's best for you.

shes not married with two young children, we met last year, I don’t want to gain anything as I’ve lost enough I just don’t want her life to stay rosy when she and he have caused this they are both as guilty as each other as they both new what they were doing and who it would hurt if they got caught, I haven’t messaged the husband I’ve wrote a message out but not sent, I’ve told him he’s gone she even had the audacity to message me to say sorry apparently it was only friendship and she ment no harm well the tooless photos and hundreds of messages and everything else says otherwise

Do you have any physical proof to show the husband? I would get that before messaging as probability is she will deny it and say you are crazy. Do you know where and when they are meeting? Personally I would go to where they are meeting, take a friend, catch them out. My mum took my SS and they sat and waited in a car park until SS DH (at the time) rocked up with some girl from work - she had been tipped off by someone else in the office.

I also would have had the locks changed today. But that's just me

Yes I have some proof none of the messages or photos that were sent but I have other things that I’ve found in the car and his work bag, I only know they are meeting today no idea where,