Heated argument with DH

[Prontehpronto]

My DH had a gambling problem few years ago (£100k), we spoke about money yesterday and I suggested we sell our old house as we need the cash, he is adamant we don't cos of capital apprentice etc, so that's fine but whenever we talk about money he gets very defensive and started to scream at me, I screamed back, he brought up lots of things like how I made a neighbour a lasagne but don't feed him, my dad came over for his 60th birthday, how I didn't tidy up when we lived with his parents, how his job is stressful, we were pretty loud so neighbour called the police. I have 2 kids and a very busy job in finance so generally quite stressed as most people are. He has screamed at me before a few times, it got me thinking, once I was scared and hid in te bathroom with door locked. I dislike him as a person, the gambling and how it affected our lives is obvs a factor of my resentment, I do not want to stay with him but I have 2children. I know he is abusive verbally and has sworn at me, but I shout back too, over the 16 years it's happened like this prob 4 or 5 times. He has a problem with alcohol. I am not going to leave the house, it is mine too and I have 2 young children. Any thoughts and advice please.

So whwat's keeping you from ending the relationship and telling him to move out?

I don’t think I could stay with anyone with that level of addiction.
Why didn’t he tidy up at his parents house? What has that to do with his gambling habit?

It sounds like he is throwing up a list of ridiculous things as a defence mechanism to take the heat off his own shortcomings. I would see a lawyer.

This relationship isn't working any more OP. Start making plans to end it.

Screaming at you?!
LTB.

Honestly I would leave anyone who spent £100k of family money

My advice is to go and see a divorce solicitor. They will all offer 30 mins of free advice - but 30 mins isn't very long so you probably will need an hour - which you will pay for the 30 mins. (i paid £50 when i did this)
In any divorce all assets and debts will be taken into account - you say you want to stay in the house - which may be possible but if there are large debts (in either of your names) that will be part of the "family pot" too - a solicitor can advise.
Also start thinking about how you can manage going forward - Do you work for example?
Get as much information you can about both of your finances - debts - pensions - savings and any assets.

Good Luck.

Home is where you and dc feel free and happy, not bricks and mortar. Of he won't leave then you have to.

As soon as someone screamed at me that would be it. You deserve better and it sounds very dysfunctional ur police are being called. You and your kids deserve better

His defensiveness suggests to me he’s hiding something. Check he hasn’t take out loans on the old house, which would explain why he’s not keen to talk about selling it as you’ll find out. Would a credit rating check tell if he’s hiding more debt elsewhere? Get some proper advice about how to get him out and get your finances separate.

I expect you'll find he's done something financially that he's afraid you'll find out if you try to pursue the house sale. I seriously doubt someone who gambled himself into a £100k hole will have successfully stopped.

Hence anger to shut you down.

I would also agree that the money on the other house has been spent by remortgaging. Is there any way you can access the online account or something to see? You honestly need to protect yourself and your children now because I believe that debt is shared no matter if he’s the one who has accrued it. Check the mortgage on your current house too. This stress is not worth it imo.

Get the hell out of the relationship. Life is too short to be with an arse. Not healthy environment for your children.

It sounds like an awful relationship and you need to separate. Your poor children deserve to live in a household that is peaceful without screaming and abuse.

You need to seek legal advice and get support from Women's Aid. Please do it as soon as possible. This is a terrible living situation for you and your children.

You need legal advice.

Are you sure he hasn’t remortgaged the property you want to sell?

Thoughts are you should clearly split up for the sake of your children.

Husbands are entitled to live in the marital home. I had one like this.

Police will automatically inform children’s social care that there has been a domestic abuse incident. Schools are informed on Monday morning. You risk losing your children if you don’t safeguard them from witnessing this type of behaviour. I know it seems unfair when it’s not your behaviour, but the onus is on you to protect them. I have been there.

They definitely dont ALL offer free advice. This myth needs to die.

Your poor kids deserve better than hearing their abusive father screaming at their mum. Start the steps to end this marriage, it's an awful environment for them to grow up in and dreadful for you too.

True. It’s worth paying for advice with property and children involved.

Having children sounds like a reason to end the relationship, not a reason not to.

If he has an alcohol and a gambling problem it’s like he’s an addict.

Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do until he decides to help himself and change how he’s doing things. The best thing you can do is protect yourself, your finances and your children.

My partner has done rehab. Fortunately it went well - so far - but the program was full of men into their 50s who were there after their families finally had enough. 100k is insane.

If you pay Land Registry (not sure how much, but less than £10) you can get information about your house. I think this will show if there are charges against it (like a mortgage). I suspect he’s taken on further debt without telling you, perhaps forging your consent.