Heated argument with DH

[Prontehpronto]

My DH had a gambling problem few years ago (£100k), we spoke about money yesterday and I suggested we sell our old house as we need the cash, he is adamant we don't cos of capital apprentice etc, so that's fine but whenever we talk about money he gets very defensive and started to scream at me, I screamed back, he brought up lots of things like how I made a neighbour a lasagne but don't feed him, my dad came over for his 60th birthday, how I didn't tidy up when we lived with his parents, how his job is stressful, we were pretty loud so neighbour called the police. I have 2 kids and a very busy job in finance so generally quite stressed as most people are. He has screamed at me before a few times, it got me thinking, once I was scared and hid in te bathroom with door locked. I dislike him as a person, the gambling and how it affected our lives is obvs a factor of my resentment, I do not want to stay with him but I have 2children. I know he is abusive verbally and has sworn at me, but I shout back too, over the 16 years it's happened like this prob 4 or 5 times. He has a problem with alcohol. I am not going to leave the house, it is mine too and I have 2 young children. Any thoughts and advice please.

Agree 100%
If he’s defensive about money he’s deflecting so you don’t dig. He’s not been gambling again? He couldn’t have remortgaged the house? Or even sold it ?

( know it sounds far fetched but my friend’s husband cheated her out of approx 60k by getting her to sign papers he said were insurance and he was in a hurry…had to get them returned that minute etc. It was remortgage and he hid the money via his family. )

He is an alcoholic gambling addict and you have arguments where you scream at each other so badly that people call the police and you've had to lock yourself in the bathroom to get away from him? This relationship is dangerously dysfunctional and seriously harmful to your kids. You need to seek a divorce as quickly as you possibly can.

You say having kids is the reason you don't want to split, but in this situation, having kids is the reason you should split up. They shouldn't be having to live in the shadow of such a toxic and abusive relationship.

My darling, you know what you need to do. You've done your best to resolve the issues. But you can't carry on with this abusive relationship, you need to protect your children as well as yourself. Good luck

Well, I think you know that you have to leave him. This man has many problems and you cannot fix them. The reason he’s arguing and shouting is because he’s embarrassed because he knows that he is in the wrong here and he doesn’t deserve you. You need to leave for the sake of your children. Well, actually, I wouldn’t be leaving the house. I would be sending him to live with his dad. Come on OP, you know what to do. xx

you sound like a smart organized person with a good job. which means you are smart enough to kick him out and get your life back.

if you need to, book a week off work to do this properly. get records of ALL the household finances. including checking up on credit reports, extra debts, things he might have hidden etc. then see a lawyer about divorce.

if you kick him out, is there somewhere he can go? what is the ownership of your house and can you make him leave?

I agree - since the introduction of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, children and young people are now recognised as victims of domestic abuse in their own right. The OP locking herself in the bathroom to get away from her husband is a red flag 🚩

I vividly remember sitting on the stairs hearing my parents arguing in the 1970s. Please get legal advice.

I reckon he's taken out loans or remortgaged the house without you knowing. The screaming shouting and kicking off is a deflection technique. He's trying to distract you. Do a credit check.

"I suggested we sell our old house as we need the cash, he is adamant we don't cos of capital apprentice etc, so that's fine but whenever we talk about money he gets very defensive and started to scream at me"

A side-issue to the bigger problem of being married to an alcoholic gambler who screams at you, but - I really think you should check if you actually own 'our old house'. The only thing he seems to put effort into is persuading you not to sell. That pinged my radar.

Are you sure he hasn’t already sold the old house?

God. The screaming when money comes up is so familiar.

You're being verbally abused and financially abused.

Please leave him. Separate your finances as a matter of urgency. He's racking up debt for which you too are liable. His screaming at you is indeed deflection.

Please don't end up like me. I'm broke and having to start over from zero after my ex squandered all the money from the sale of our £800k mortgage free house. I now rent and am so bitter. He too would scream and have hysterics whenever I tried a financial conversation. Terrifying.

Please consider it a matter of urgency that you divorce him. If you don't you will be crippled with his debt.

Jeez, you know it's over. Just see a solicitor and get a divorce. He sounds absolutely fucking awful

You can be financially independent. You don't need him for his money.

Why do you think it's in the children's best interests for you to remain married to and living with him? Why do you think it's in their best interests for them to hear and witness this sort of stuff? Why do you think that this is what you deserve from your life?

Are you sure he hasn’t already sold the old house?

Just to add whilst it likely that the police will inform children’s services and there will be a notification to school, you will be a long way from being at risk of losing your children. I am a social worker who now works with families where they are in court proceedings for children to be removed… this is a very long way from this! However, it is likely you will be contacted by your local children’s services dept and at the very least they will be offering you advice and support. They may want to complete a social worker assessment but unless the incident was more serious (and not the first?) Then I would be surprised if you are offered anything more. What I would say is that it’s important you take on board their guidance advice and support as this will be helpful should things persist. It would be worth talking to Women’s aid as well as a solicitor

You really need to look into your finances with him. I reckon he's been borrowing in order to gamble.

The atmosphere at home must be appalling for everyone. I'd say it's time he moved out. What repercussions would there be both financially and regarding childcare and the children's emotional state?

What exactly are your concerns about splitting up and the children? Money? Another pair of hands looking after them? Their relationship with him?

Bringing kids up with an alcoholic is almost always a terrible idea as normally quite damaging for them. Also, domestic abuse (which is what you've described in your post) is damaging for children to witness. There's good reason to look at how you could cope without him for their sake.

And for yourself - this is no life to lead. You only get one. Spending it with an abusive addict is quite a waste.

You've considered leaving but have you taken any steps to see what you'd be entitled to if you split up? Do you know what assets you have between you? Have you spoken to a solicitor? Or looked calculated what you'd be able to get in terms of benefits and maintenance? Or spoken to friends and family to see what support they could provide?

I would start there. Find out where you stand and what the next steps would be. Work out whether you could get him to leave the house and still afford to keep and run it and if so how easy that would be. Alternatively look at how else you could keep yourself and the kids housed.

Obviously, I'm in agreement with other posters that you need to leave. You seem to know that but are scared of what the future will hold, so I
m suggesting some steps that should help you visualise how achievable it is. I do think you need to act with haste though. The more money he wastes the worse off you'll be when you do eventually split.

Thank you, it’s over 20 years since I felt trapped in this kind of situation and shamed by the police and social workers. Hopefully services are more supportive of women now.

No one behaves like this until they have you trapped.

My exact thoughts, selling the house cause this... what would selling the house reveal

I did a land registration search and got the title plan, this restriction came up, does anyone know what it means?

RESTRICTION: No disposition of the registered estate by the proprietor of the registered estate is to be registered without a written consent signed by the proprietor for the time being of the Charge dated 24 March 2023 in favour of Barclays Bank UK PLC referred to in the Charges Register.

We have seperate bank accounts in my own name and save everything I can, he has taken credit cards out in my name but who I found out I put a credit stop on my credit file if that's the right phrase. Its just all so pathetic, he has problems with drink, alcohol, is very overweight, won't leave an awful job and says its killing him,only thing I'm doing think he is doing is other women and drugs, honestly another woman would be easy to just get rid

Like all new partners and spouses he was fine for a few years, by then I'd had 2 kids before I realised what he was like, if I'd knew when I met him I never would have got together with him obvs

Pack his shit
Change the locks

You deserve better

100k!!??

Are you aware of there being a mortgage on the property with Barclays? Taken out in March 2023? Or did you think it was mortgage free?

If not, you need to find out how much it is and where the money’s gone.