Heated argument with DH

[Prontehpronto]

My DH had a gambling problem few years ago (£100k), we spoke about money yesterday and I suggested we sell our old house as we need the cash, he is adamant we don't cos of capital apprentice etc, so that's fine but whenever we talk about money he gets very defensive and started to scream at me, I screamed back, he brought up lots of things like how I made a neighbour a lasagne but don't feed him, my dad came over for his 60th birthday, how I didn't tidy up when we lived with his parents, how his job is stressful, we were pretty loud so neighbour called the police. I have 2 kids and a very busy job in finance so generally quite stressed as most people are. He has screamed at me before a few times, it got me thinking, once I was scared and hid in te bathroom with door locked. I dislike him as a person, the gambling and how it affected our lives is obvs a factor of my resentment, I do not want to stay with him but I have 2children. I know he is abusive verbally and has sworn at me, but I shout back too, over the 16 years it's happened like this prob 4 or 5 times. He has a problem with alcohol. I am not going to leave the house, it is mine too and I have 2 young children. Any thoughts and advice please.

It means that a mortgage with Barclays was taken against the property (a mortgage is a loan secured against property to make sure it is repaid). That restriction means you can’t sell the house without their consent. In basic terms, you can market it with an agent and agree a sale and your solicitor will deal with repayment of the mortgage on completion (obtaining the necessary consent).

Can you remember signing a mortgage deed? It was in 2023 - that date mentioned is the date the mortgage completed. If the house is in joint names the mortgage is also in joint names.

Yes, “Charge” means mortgage. A mortgage with Barclays was taken out on that date.

It could be a charging order that's been secured against the property for a debt.

Just to add - it may be a subsidiary of Barclays, do you recall any refinancing that you did two years ago? The paperwork is formal and you’d have needed to sign in the presence of an independent witness (an adult who is no relation to you) and they would also have had to sign and add their name and address.

If you did not take out this mortgage then he has committed mortgage fraud (if he has forged your signature) and that’s a criminal offence. If that has occurred please contact the police and the mortgage lender immediately.

Let’s hope you never work with victims of DV lol

It means there's a mortgage on the property.

Has the old house been repossessed or loans against the house? He sounds vile, I’m sorry but kids are not a reason to stay in this toxic environment

I was thinking the same, he took a mortgage on it

I'm an accountant as is he so am pretty good at understanding anything financial, he also does this thing were he says I obviously don't understand how it works if I talk about the house or money, I just don't know what kids would do or how I would get him to leave, his dad is aggressive so not sure what would happen if I made him leave, the neighbours heard and police came but the kids didn't even wake up, they were oblivious. Once in a restaurant, he said he was going to a work event the next week for 3 days, I started crying cos he hadn't told me and think he left it till last minute, I had heard him telling his parents, cos he was embarrassed I was crying he started to call me all sorts of names whilst covering his mouth, he said he would pull my hair and teach me a lesson, his eyes were bulging, he was pissed, the kids were there, he told them we were going to divorce and they were crying, not sure if they remember, couple of years ago now, it's so mad he does this every so often, I can't believe I'm with a person like him, it's so far removed from how I grew up l, it's totally bonkers

😖

@Prontehpronto I don’t think you were crying about the work event, you were crying because you know what he’ll get up to.

You need to leave asap. He’s abusive.

Addiction makes people do really shitty things they normally wouldn’t do but many aren’t like that. You need to leave and find a way to heal from that hell.

@Prontehpronto this isn’t something I usually say, but I really think you and your children would be happier and safer not living with this man.
Do you have support in real life?
Can you talk to someone face-to-face.
You seem to suggest he may have learnt this behaviour from his father. Your kids need to know this is not the way you or anyone else should be treated.
I’m sending you a virtual hug x

Haven’t said this for a while but you need to LTB.

Don't let your DC see or hear any more of his abuse.

He’s thrown away £100k that could have paid for them to go to university. It’s unforgivable in my opinion.

You'll all be happier without him in the house. See a solicitor about what divorce will look like. Maybe you’ll be able to buy him out. And he’s the type who will think about having that money in his hand and will likely take the offer and go.

💐

Your children aren’t hoing to look back on their childhood and be thankful you stayed in a marriage to stay in this house.
They are going to remember the abuse and the fear they felt.
A house is only a set of bricks. A home can be anywhere, and above all should be safe. You and your children are NOT safe. If you can’t leave this relationship for your own safety, do it for the children. You are being financially and verbally abused. By the sounds of it it’s been going on for so long that you probably don’t realise just how severe it is. You need to leave for your children’s sake, if nothing else.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes sounds like my ex dh too! Much better to get out now rather than later. Ex dh refuses to move out after losing over £300k gambling (including his SIPP) and constantly calls me names. I got back yesterday after looking after our baby dgd for a few days and he called me a teenager and then a responsible adult lacking the responsible! I'm 60 and dd1 obviously thought I was responsible enough to look after her baby for hours on my own whilst she did her KIT days! We still have a dd at school. He refuses to work and if I move out it would be very difficult to walk to work.

Why are you still there dear?

You're an accountant but not sure what the Barclays charge on your title deeds is for?

Why are you still with this abusive gambling bastard

Did you know about the mortgage on your property @Prontehpronto?

You need to leave ASAP you clearly can't stand him, you AND your kids would be so much happier if u left. Unfortunately it looks like there is a mortgage on the property, he's done you dirty. Also, fuck his dad, he can't make you stay with him! If they get aggressive call the police!

Yes, there are lots of types of accountants with lots of diff skill sets so yes I didn't know, obviously when I read it a few times realised but was abit panicked so put it on here hoping someone kind and more knowledgeable then me would tell me quickly, lots of people replied which I was really nice

This is a toxic relationship. You are not good for each other. The details are irrelevant.

That's how I found out about the gambling debt in the first place, he was trying to rush me into signing our remortgage docs, as everything comes electronically I saw the extent of the debt against our names, really don't know how I've ended up with someone so underhand, he manages to turn it on me by saying I'm always so money orientated, I'm not, I've never been extravagant, I just don't trust him anymore, I should have left him when the debt was found out but I had 2 small kids and he said he had a problem and I felt sorry for him, I'm so stupid

You are defo right, we bring out the worst in each other 100%

A partner gambling away £100k and being underhand with mortgages would also bring out the worst in me.

I hope you start planning to leave soon.

💐