Why does my married coworker keep talking to me about his wife?

[JollyMintSnake]

I’m just trying to gather some insight on why my male coworker keeps mentioning his wife when it’s completely irrelevant. It’s to the point where bringing her up feels unnatural and forced. Like, we could be talking about a new piece of equipment at work, for example, and he’ll mention how “the missus/the wife” loves tulips. It’s gotten to THAT level of irrelevance.

For some context, this is a coworker that’s seems to be fairly attracted to me. I don’t flirt with him or try to pursue him in that way whatsoever. It’s worth mentioning that we talked almost daily in the same way for several months and he never mentioned her, or that he was married. Most of our conversations are casual small talk, and 95% of the time, we’re talking about something work-related. On the rare occasion, we’ll vent to each other about things, but those are also work-related.

I’m just wondering what could be the cause of him mentioning her in this way? It wouldn’t strike me as odd if the wife mentions had some relevance to the conversation, but it’s always something completely unrelated to the topic.

Some things to mention:

1. He usually starts conversations with me, and they are very, very platonic, so I wouldn’t think he’d feel the need to mention her. If I was being flirtatious with him, I’d completely understand.

1. He just started doing this about 6 months ago, the entire year prior, he’s never once mentioned anything about her, now it’s usually at least once or twice a day.

1. In the last two months, we’ve gone from loose acquaintances to buddies, mostly because we get to work/leave at the same time.

Do you fancy him?

If you are so sure he fancies you, maybe he's had a case of mentionitis at home and his wife has prescribed treatment where he has to mention her 5 times a day, every day.

Or he very much thinks about it his wife a lot and it's only recently you have spent more time with him and realised how much he talks about her.

I did before I knew he was married. I stopped when he finally mentioned being married, which was quite awhile back and he still didn’t talk about her. I don’t go after married men, so I’m no longer pursuing him and I haven’t since I found out.

I did before I knew he was married. I stopped when he finally mentioned being married, which was quite awhile back and he still didn’t talk about her. I don’t go after married men, so I’m no longer pursuing him and I haven’t since I found out.

Not sure there is a problem. A married man is taking about his wife. If it annoys you, feel free to find other friends to converse with.

Maybe he started mentioning her because he knew you were interested and he's not?

Mentionits? What does that mean, sorry?

We started talking a lot more well before he started mentioning her. It’s more of a recent thing, that’s the only reason it’s noticeable. He went from never mentioning he was married. Then he randomly said “my wife” one day and had a look on his face as if he didn’t mean to let that slip. After that day, he still didn’t mention her at all. We transitioned from acquaintances to friends and still, didn’t mention her. Then over the last few months, he constantly does.

The thing that stands out to me is that we could be talking about work, weather, or whatever small talk & he mentions “my wife”, but it is completely irrelevant to our convo, to the point that it actually seems like he’s saying it to send some sort of message.

And I just need to stress that I am in NO way flirting with him when he does this.

There’s only two reasons men do this: they either believe you’re madly in love with them (despite, in some cases being complete strangers until that interaction) or because they have some kind of feeling towards you and need to mask it.

Maybe he could tell you fancied him and wanted to put you off without hurting your feelings by letting you know he's married?

It sounds as if there is/has been some chemistry between you and he is signallng that the friendship that you're developing recently is 'safe'.

That’s not my point. I fully expect a married man to talk about his wife, and vice versa. It’s the way he’s bringing her up.

For more context, here’s an example:

We were talking about work yesterday while leaving for the day. I mention how the day was dragging and how I know I’ll be busier the following day (basically just telling him all the inventory I needed to go through). We laughed about it for a sec and he was looking at me very intensely, After that, he replied to my comment briefly then immediately says he’s been having trouble changing his wife’s tire. I think he said “the wife”, and “the missus” like 3 times within a few sentences. This kind of stuff happens constantly.

another day, he was hanging up a poster and he put a lot of effort into it, so when he was done I just said it looked nice. He thanked me and went off on some random tangent about how “he took his wife out to lunch and they were hanging up a poster too”, like soooo out of the blue.

If we were talking about what we were doing after work, or anything where mentioning that would be relevant, it wouldn’t pop out as being so forced and unusual.

I don't see why mentioning his wife is anything other than what it is. There doesn't sound like there is anything weird about what he is saying about his wife. We all work with people who chat about what they do in their personal life randomly, nothing in depth, its just small talk

Back away from the small talk and keep it strictly business if you don't want to know anything about his wife. It's just someone chatting I don't think you can read anything more than small talk into it.

So you did fancy him before you knew he was married, maybe flirted a bit. You don’t any more, no problem. But he may not have noticed the change - he’s clocked that you fancied him at some point, he may not have spotted that no more signals are forthcoming. He may have enjoyed a bit of flirting but since mentioning his wife he realises he’d better not. Maybe noticed you changed a bit. So he is heavy handedly trying to be very clear and open about his wife, working hard not to give you “the wrong impression”. Who knows.

I think you need to be no longer pursuing him a bit harder OP, he's obviously feeling a bit pursued

You are his "office wife", and when the convo gets a little relaxed and couply comfy, he reinforces his boundaries by gabbing on about the real wife.

Mentionitis - he's mentioned you at home. Mundane stuff or work stuff. Wife doesn't like it and suspects you fancy him/he fancies you. He's proving he doesn't.

He does fancy you a bit, so he is trying bard to make sure there are no lines crossed. Everytime you get into a laughy or casual conversation he brings his wife up, I imagine he is making sure in his oen mind he doesnt cross the line, can't be seen to cross the line, can't be accused of crossing the line, isnt giving mixed signals to you. Maybe he thinks you find him attractive.

You seem very invested in all of this! Does it matter why he is talking about his wife? If I were you I'd be taking this as a sign to back off, but I suspect you won't.

Hard to tell but I imagine he's picked up you fancy him and is trying to give off a strong unavailable message. Does it matter?

He’s never fancied you. You were being really obvious about having a thing for him and you’ve made him uncomfortable. This is him setting a boundary by reinforcing the fact he is married.

I understand why it gets to you. I had it once with someone - me and him were completely platonic colleagues and a 3rd party kept interrupting and bringing his wife up. I found it insulting as though I was some scarlet woman being warned off when I wasn't remotely a threat or interested but you can't say anything about it.

I'd suggest maybe backing off the friendship and chats for a while and don't worry about how he might interpret that.

The op has said she fancies him and was pursuing him previously so I don't think her intentions are quite the same as yours. The advice is spot on though.

Interesting that you find him mentioning his wife annoying. You clearly were attracted to him & enjoying his undivided attention before you knew he was married. Now you know he is married you don’t like mention of her interrupting your conversations with him. Why? If as you say you would never go after a married man then why are you so bothered when he mentions her? If you’d accepted this then you wouldn’t be so bothered by it surely? I think you’re annoyed that every time he mentions her he’s basically saying “ I shld not be talking /flirting with you - you do know I’m married don’t you?” & you don’t like him implying that you’re the one pursuing him when in your mind you’re not & you’re just talking. The thing is you were entertaining something flirtatious & romantic before you knew he was married & he clearly picked up on this & was enjoying it too. He’s basically asking you to stop with the intense conversations because he’s not capable of doing so bcos he likes it but is also married & knows he shouldn’t be indulging in it with you but doesn’t know how to navigate it. So you need to practise what you preach & stop indulging in chat & giving him the implication that you do find him attractive & enjoy his attention. A line has been crossed - he’s been rumbled by blurting out about being married - & neither of you can go back to the back & forth you enjoyed previously bcos you both now know it’s not really appropriate. You just don’t want to accept this. He’s always going to mention her bcos he’s trying to tell you he’s not single!

He’s mentioning his wife because he doesn’t fancy you. It was bloody obvious that you fancied him and when he realised this, he started mentioning his wife to make it clear he’s not available.

Surely you must know this.

I remember when I was 18/19, I had a tutor who also mentioned his wife excessively like OP's and personally I felt like he thought I fancied him but I didn't....