Why does my married coworker keep talking to me about his wife?

[JollyMintSnake]

I’m just trying to gather some insight on why my male coworker keeps mentioning his wife when it’s completely irrelevant. It’s to the point where bringing her up feels unnatural and forced. Like, we could be talking about a new piece of equipment at work, for example, and he’ll mention how “the missus/the wife” loves tulips. It’s gotten to THAT level of irrelevance.

For some context, this is a coworker that’s seems to be fairly attracted to me. I don’t flirt with him or try to pursue him in that way whatsoever. It’s worth mentioning that we talked almost daily in the same way for several months and he never mentioned her, or that he was married. Most of our conversations are casual small talk, and 95% of the time, we’re talking about something work-related. On the rare occasion, we’ll vent to each other about things, but those are also work-related.

I’m just wondering what could be the cause of him mentioning her in this way? It wouldn’t strike me as odd if the wife mentions had some relevance to the conversation, but it’s always something completely unrelated to the topic.

Some things to mention:

1. He usually starts conversations with me, and they are very, very platonic, so I wouldn’t think he’d feel the need to mention her. If I was being flirtatious with him, I’d completely understand.

1. He just started doing this about 6 months ago, the entire year prior, he’s never once mentioned anything about her, now it’s usually at least once or twice a day.

1. In the last two months, we’ve gone from loose acquaintances to buddies, mostly because we get to work/leave at the same time.

If you’re not flirting with him now but he is carrying on like this then I’d take his hint and back off completely.

I would read it as he is trying to say ‘I am being polite but I want you to leave me alone, I don’t want friendship or anything.’

Only appropriate response to that signal is to just turn your friendship/chats elsewhere. He is clearly not comfortable.

(not sure if you would but no need for any weird exit speech, just…..turn your attention elsewhere and forget him all-together)

Maybe trying to set a boundary or reassure himself (or you) that he’s committed. It’s weird that he never mentioned her before but now brings her up constantly. Could be guilt, could be him making sure there’s no misunderstanding, or maybe she found out you two talk a lot and he’s trying to prove he’s being “transparent.”

I totally agree! Very impersonal and weird.

Yeah, I definitely plan on pulling back. It’d just be nice if he wasn’t the one initiating conversations with me so often.

This actually makes a lot of sense to me. I could see him worrying about that in some way.

It stands out to me how many people are telling me to leaving him alone. He is the one initiating almost all conversation. When he comes up next to me, starts talking, and we’re both walking to the same place, I find it difficult to just shut him out. I don’t want to create any tension when it’s not necessary, just because he’s married and attracted to me. It’s not my responsibility to manage his feelings and who he has a crush on.

I find it really weird too, which is why I know it’s not a casual thing and he has a purpose of mentioning her.

He’s doing a little too good of a job proving in to the point that it’s become excessive to the point that it’s weird.

For somebody thats barely a buddie you spend a lot of time thinking about him and being hyper aware of him, to point of convincing yourself that his expression changes when you speak to other men. I couldnt tell you for the life of me what my "barely buddies" colleagues expressions are in respect to me because I dont care or notice because they actually are barely buddies. Stop kidding yourself on. The last time I analysed a blokes expressions I was 14.

That’s the thing, I would think the same exact thing about this situation, but he is the one initiating conversation with me nearly every time.

I wouldn’t think someone would do that if they wanted to be left alone by that person.

It’s just something I’ve observed on more than one occasion. I notice things like this in everyone, as I find body language interesting. I could see a stranger walking down the street and based on their expression and overall body language, it’s easy to gather a person’s mood, especially when there’s a noticeable shift in mood. Think what you want, but he’s not special just because I notice things like that.

Thought you said you’d moved on from this crush?

I have, so I’m curious as to why it’s now suddenly mentioned all the time when he never bothered talking about her when I DID like him.

“I have, so I’m curious as to why it’s now suddenly mentioned all the time when he never bothered talking about her when I DID like him

Bcos when you liked him he was flirting & not revealing he was married. So he never mentioned her bcos he was enjoying the flanter & being free to flirt.

Then he disclosed it - accidentally. Now his conscious kicks in as now you know he is married he can’t be seen to be openly flirting with a colleague when that is off limits. Surely you must know that? You claim you don’t flirt back now & don’t seek him out therefore there is no need for him to keep reminding you he’s married.

But you’re not getting that for him he can’t now associate you with anything other than that. He wants to flirt but knows he can’t (even tho you say you don’t want to flirt any more & happy to be just a mate) he just can’t. Maybe he’s just not great at communicating & navigating the dynamic & being seen perhaps by others too (people do talk) & doesnt want it to look or ever get back to his wife that you & him spend a lot of time talking together. It’s really odd that you’re so blind to this!

Yes it’s frustrating that by mentioning her it’s making you feel you’re the one after him & you don’t feel that to be the case - now. But he is incapable of going back to innocent flanter & cannot now freely speak without his conscience kicking in & policing his speech with mention of his wife. He’s in conflict why is this so difficult to see?

People have advised you to give the guy a break & give clear signals that a) you’re v obviously are not interested in talking &
b) so that he associates you with no level of threat & therefore doesn’t need to stress that every time he sees you he better mention his wife.

He’s giving you v loud signals he can’t really do what it is you’re doing - even tho for you this is apparently nothing. He’s not you! He is different, married & not handling it v well. He wants his cake & eat it tho & like you doesn’t want to lose chatting & flirting with you. But he can’t have both & nor can you. You may as well be talking to his wife for the amount you say he mentions her. Why do you want to engage with that then? It will never go back to what it was like & he’s not socially adept enough to adopt the same neutral mates only dynamic you say you are now giving off.
So you’re going to have to just give up on it unless as others have suggested you don’t want to & are still harbouring feelings.

This is not moving on though is it. If you’ve truly moved on, just let it go over your head and carry on with your day.

OP wanted to hear he was absolutely into her but the wife got in the way,🙄

“Why is it so difficult to see?” because I’m not a mind reader. How am I to know the reasoning behind it.

I don’t really want to give up our convos because we’ve become friends, at least in my opinion. I’m not sure what’s going on in his mind, but I try to make it pretty damn clear that I only see him on a platonic level at this point. He’s calmed down with his flirtatious behavior too, so I can’t imagine what the problem is.

Oh please. 😂 I don’t give a shit if he’s into me or not, that's the point! He’s married and I’m not a homewrecker. I just wanna know why he omitted being married for so long, randomly accidentally name dropped her, and now mentions her nonstop, when the ONLY THING that has changed is that I’ve stopped showing any interest in him beyond a platonic level.

Yawn

For someone who isn't interested in this guy, you seem spend a lot of time thinking about him.

I've been on the flip side of this. Had a married lothario at work who was a 'pillar of the local community' who flirted with me (i am happily married), had a situationship with another married woman at work (who was not best pleased that a. they got busted and i picked up on it and b. that i was getting attention from him. i left the job 10 months ago and never socialised or kept in contact with the man in question, however there's a weird undercurrent in mutual circles from a couple of men that there was something between me and this guy which was completely untrue. a male friend said to me has the colleague met my husband which was such an odd, random thing to say as i used to work in a public community space and everyone else in the team had met my husband. always kept it professional and never badmouthed anyone. it seems to me that a lot of women get unnecessary flack when it's unsubstantiated.

I assume he’s warning you off. Well done him.

I think the man seriously needs to get over himself. Constantly bringing up your spouse who has no involvement in your life in the office is frankly weird. It's almost that he has to remind himself that he has a wife. People aren't dumb and he's saying that for 'damage limitation'.

Yep that was my immediate thought - OP wants the world of MN to tell her how much this guy is in to her.