Why does my married coworker keep talking to me about his wife?

[JollyMintSnake]

I’m just trying to gather some insight on why my male coworker keeps mentioning his wife when it’s completely irrelevant. It’s to the point where bringing her up feels unnatural and forced. Like, we could be talking about a new piece of equipment at work, for example, and he’ll mention how “the missus/the wife” loves tulips. It’s gotten to THAT level of irrelevance.

For some context, this is a coworker that’s seems to be fairly attracted to me. I don’t flirt with him or try to pursue him in that way whatsoever. It’s worth mentioning that we talked almost daily in the same way for several months and he never mentioned her, or that he was married. Most of our conversations are casual small talk, and 95% of the time, we’re talking about something work-related. On the rare occasion, we’ll vent to each other about things, but those are also work-related.

I’m just wondering what could be the cause of him mentioning her in this way? It wouldn’t strike me as odd if the wife mentions had some relevance to the conversation, but it’s always something completely unrelated to the topic.

Some things to mention:

1. He usually starts conversations with me, and they are very, very platonic, so I wouldn’t think he’d feel the need to mention her. If I was being flirtatious with him, I’d completely understand.

1. He just started doing this about 6 months ago, the entire year prior, he’s never once mentioned anything about her, now it’s usually at least once or twice a day.

1. In the last two months, we’ve gone from loose acquaintances to buddies, mostly because we get to work/leave at the same time.

This. Even if your heart isn't in it, get out there and "don't waste the pretty".

Meet new men, meet new people, have a 1-2 year socialising strategy. Do something new every few months (intense hobby or social event or travel plan) rather than wasting time in this odd situation.

Often it's emotionally safer to be thinking about someone like this guy than go through the anxiety of dating and meeting new people.

This situation is a crazy intense dynamic for something with very little gain.

I dislike being the "work wife" or "confidante" of married men.

It's VERY common for married men to like developing these fairly ambiguous "friendship" situations. Especially with attractive, easy going single, junior females.

I've had situations where married men refuse to answer work email in a timely fashion, to entice me to phone message them.

They're not in love with me and have nothing to offer my life, they're just bored and want to suck attention from me.

Why aren't they making friends with the dads of their kids friends, rather than targeting a single woman?

It's all them getting an ego boost or trauma dumping.

It's less "easy" initially but I prefer my WhatsApp to have single men making solid date plans than Married Dave sending endless chat messages.

They are getting attention and taking your headspace and emotional resources whilst having the comfort of a family life.

For workplace, you need allies and people who give you references or practical help.

I’d understand that, but I’ve known he was married for a long time now, so I don’t need to be reminded of it. It’s just really bizarre how we could be talking about something completely work related and he sprinkles her into the conversation, although it’s completely unrelated.

I sure hope I don’t give off the impression that I’m madly in love with him. I aim to keep things platonic. I was wondering about your second reason though because the way she is mentioned is so irrelevant and unusual, that I’m confused by it.

It feels to me that he could mention her once to signal that our friendship is “safe”, but to talk about her favorite color when I’m asking him if he has a lot of inventory to sort is really unusual. (He didn’t actually do that lol, just an example of how irrelevant it seems when he mentions her).

I don’t know how anything I do could come across as pursuing him. He starts almost all of our interactions on a daily basis.

Ahh okay, thanks for explaining that. I haven’t heard of that before! I don’t think he’d have a reason to mention me at home honestly. Our conversations are pretty surface level. Wouldn’t it make more sense that he should try to prove that to her, not to me? Haha.

You fancied him and got the knock back love. It happens.
Just leave it eh?
I absolutely don't know why you were so confused about it that you had to start a Mumsnet thread tbh.

I’m not invested, I’m confused what the purpose is. I would take it as a sign to back off if I felt I needed to, but he’s the one initiating 99% of our conversations and encounters, so I don’t really feel like I’m doing anything that would make him feel like I’m pursing him, because I’m quite literally not.

Thank you! The further I get through these comments, I’m deemed as the ”scarlet woman”. Yes, I find him attractive, but I’m no longer flirtatious with him after finding out he was married and I have no interest in anything more than friendship, if anything with him now.

If he ever realized I liked him, it was when I was flirting with him before I knew he was married. He was flirting and omitted having a wife that entire time. He mentioned her out of the blue and I immediately stopped flirting with him. Now I speak to him like I would with any other coworker. He flirts with me still, on and off and I don’t entertain that.

No, he can talk about her all he wants idc. It’s the way she’s brought up that annoys me. I’m trying to talk about work and he keeps mentioning her. It’s unproductive and pointless to me.

Oh my bad, we spent several months talking to each about anything and everything and he never mentions a partner, so yeah I developed a crush. Then suddenly drops the fact that he’s married, now I’m the big fat homewrecker for trying to continue our friendship while removing the romantic aspect?

I find it weird that he’s not at all to blame in your eyes because while he didn’t outright lie, he danced around the subject for quite a long time. just because I previously liked him doesn’t mean I do anymore. Thanks for your massive wall of judgement though.

Thank you for actual feedback rather than judgement! I’ll absolutely create some distance.

I’d get that, but I liked him over a year ago. I don’t anymore and have moved on. I don’t understand why he’d suddenly feel the need to set boundaries when I’m not into him like that now.

That’s unfortunate. I find we have similar views about our company and it’s nice to be able to vent to each other in that way. I hadn’t considered the affair in his mind thing. Thanks for your feedback.

No, my schedule changes every few months and it’s based on seniority.

You clearly skimmed through my post. I definitely expect him to mention her during casual small chat. The way he mentions her is completely bizarre, that’s what I’m questioning. Maybe you should read the post in its entirety before uselessly commenting. Thanks!

No, I don’t care if he likes me or not as I’m no longer interested. I just want to know why he would feel the need to tell me about his wife while we’re discussing work related topics.

No, he was talking about someone else hanging up a poster lol. His story about it was for the purpose of bringing up the wife, although it didn’t have relevance. This was also a convo with multiple people, not just me.

I think it just developed more because he’s started talking to me more. We park in the same lot and arrive/leave at the same time. Sometimes he’ll be walking in first and just stands around and waits so he can open the door for me. It’s awkward for me to just walk in silence, so we usually end up talking about what to expect for the day ahead.

Last comment of yours I’ll reply to, you sound so triggered?

I meet a guy, we have chemistry, we chat/flirt. He mentions 6 months after all of this that he’s married. I stop flirting, continue talking to him and keeping things platonic. Flirting doesn’t really stop on his end and he still never talks about her, although I finally know of her existence. We get on the same shift and start talking even more often, now he mentions her constantly and completely out of context. My question is WHY bring her up when it’s e to rely irrelevant to our work related convo. It’s irritating to me because I’m talking about our work we NEED to do together and he’s talking random shit with his wife. I don’t care about that at all.

If you have anything productive to say, let me know. Otherwise, you can keep the rest of your useless assumptions to yourself. Thanks!

Thing is that he’s the one starting conversations with me.

Walking in and out gave more opportunity to talk I guess. It’s all so surface level, but I just think the frequency of it all created a connection. It’s still just a platonic one though, I make sure of that, even more so since the wife comments started.

Never really negative. The only instance I can thing of was him saying he “had an obligation with “the wife” later” while rolling his eyes and kind of pouting about it.

I fancied him, I don’t any longer. If that’s his motivation, that’s absolutely disgusting to me. Men can be such pigs, it’s disheartening.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I respect the fact that he is married and off limits, so I wish there was a way to convey that to him without actually saying it. Thank you for your feedback.