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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found device recorder

114 replies

FredaMay12 · 26/03/2025 20:52

On Saturday night my partner went out. They knew I was planning on calling a friend for a catch up. I went to put my phone on charge and found a old mobile phone on record under the sofa recording. Why would my partner do this?? I haven't confronted them as unsure what to say and I am in disbelief they have done it. I feel like I'm being controlled. Is that valid?

OP posts:
ScholesPanda · 27/03/2025 09:36

Run for the Hills. No-one normal would do this.

YourBestFriend · 27/03/2025 09:37

You will have to confront her and ask her why she did that.
Before this event happened, was the relationship going well? Did she ever show any signs of paranoia?

WakingUpToReality · 27/03/2025 09:48

OP, sorry to hear this has happened. It is extremely concerning and doesn’t look good in terms of your partner’s sense of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. What else do they do.? It may be the case that they are controlling in other ways: restricting of your freedom, controlling your opinions, financially controlling, etc? How old are you both?

Insidelaurashed · 27/03/2025 09:50

OP or anyone else in this situation-ring your friend, have a normal chat, ask if you can pop round for a brew. Go there. Leave your mobile phone and anything that could have a recording device in it in your car. Go inside. Fill your friend in and ring womens aid from their phone/look up anything you need to from their phone, to plan to leave, without the partner knowing.

MzHz · 27/03/2025 09:58

@FredaMay12 are you ok?

if he is doing this, he will be doing other things to spy on you. you are not safe in this relationship. Can you leave?

MattCauthon · 27/03/2025 10:03

The endless hiding of sex to get a supposedly unbiased view is so annoying and pointless.

Your partner, male or female, obviously thinks you can't be trusted and/or that you might be saying unkind/unpleasant things behind their backs. I have no opinion on whether this is a fair assessment of your situation. If you are cheating or angry with your partner or likely to slag them off, then I suspect this device is for them to get proof. If you're not, it's more likely your partner is a controlling, manipulative, insecure person. Either way, it doesn't speak well of your relationship.

ERthree · 27/03/2025 10:04

Burntt · 26/03/2025 21:04

That is very concerning. If this is the only issue in your relationship id be having very stern words but I suspect he may be controlling or moody or angry? Tell us about your relationship is he abusive?

We don't know if the OP's partner is a he.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 27/03/2025 10:21

Plot twist, OP is a man. His wife suspected something and posted a thread on MN.
She was advised to plant a recorder somewhere 😃

AgnesX · 27/03/2025 10:24

Drown the phone in the sink, bin it and leave.

AgnesX · 27/03/2025 10:26

deydododatdodontdeydo · 27/03/2025 10:21

Plot twist, OP is a man. His wife suspected something and posted a thread on MN.
She was advised to plant a recorder somewhere 😃

The relationship's dead regardless of which way round it is. Sounds like a total mess.

Thatcat · 27/03/2025 10:30

Do a massive fart into it.

Thatcat · 27/03/2025 10:35

In all seriousness, this person doesn’t sound like they trust you and they certainly don’t respect your privacy.

Are you married?

Are there other things going on?

anyolddinosaur · 27/03/2025 11:00

Your partner either thinks you are cheating or they are controlling. Are you having an affair with the "friend" you were phoning?

RiversofOtter5 · 27/03/2025 11:24

anyolddinosaur · 27/03/2025 11:00

Your partner either thinks you are cheating or they are controlling. Are you having an affair with the "friend" you were phoning?

The partner has entered the chat ^^ 🙄

MoonWoman69 · 27/03/2025 11:57

I smell 🐂💩 again, no return from OP... Fed up of these kind of threads now!

anyolddinosaur · 27/03/2025 12:37

@RiversofOtter5 Ha, ha - no. Just aware this is quite possibly a cheating male who looked under the settee because he thought his wife was suspicious.

EdinburghTimezone · 27/03/2025 12:41

MoonWoman69 · 27/03/2025 11:57

I smell 🐂💩 again, no return from OP... Fed up of these kind of threads now!

Me too. If it is a genuine OP they are being rude, asking our opinions then not bothering to respond to any of them. There's another thread from yesterday morning whose OP finished 'I'm just going to do the school run, will reply later' which has pages of responses and no more OP input.
If future I'm going to check that the OP is engaged with the thread before getting involved.
What is the point, I wonder, and is it a real person or a bot? I particularly dislike the ones starting 'AIBU to think that...' and finishing with something that nobody could possibly agree with.

Original poster
FredaMay12 · 27/03/2025 14:01

Thank you all for your response. A bit of history. We have been together nearly 20 years. He recently accused me of cheating as I have a male friend however this is due to them having a child who is friends with our child. There is no cheating and this has been discussed. However I believe it is steamed from this. Other than showing him every message and every conversation I ever have then surely there is nothing else I can do about this. Trust has been lost but I just feel like he has no right to control me like this.

OP posts:
MoonWoman69 · 27/03/2025 14:10

Trust has been lost but I just feel like he has no right to control me like this.

So you're just here to question whether he can control you like this and not making any plans to get away from him??!! 20 years together and he's only just started this behaviour? I really do find that hard to believe I'm afraid. There is far more to this than you're letting on. If it is in fact true.
Reading between the lines isn't hard in this case. I think he's caught you out somewhere along the line and he probably doesn't trust you any more. And you want to check if he's out of line recording you. You've been told he is, so there's your answer! Up to you what you do now 🤷🏼‍♀️

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2025 14:45

You and he now need to part. What he has done here is completely unacceptable and such controlling behaviour is abusive in nature.

It may feel impossible to rebuild your life after all this time together but it really is not.

GoAwayNow7 · 27/03/2025 14:59

He recently accused me of cheating as I have a male friend however this is due to them having a child who is friends with our child.

No it’s not. It’s because you enjoy his company. You’re not friends with every dad who’s child is friendly with yours.

How important is this friendship to you that you’re ok with it causing problems in your relationship?

MattCauthon · 27/03/2025 15:42

FredaMay12 · 27/03/2025 14:01

Thank you all for your response. A bit of history. We have been together nearly 20 years. He recently accused me of cheating as I have a male friend however this is due to them having a child who is friends with our child. There is no cheating and this has been discussed. However I believe it is steamed from this. Other than showing him every message and every conversation I ever have then surely there is nothing else I can do about this. Trust has been lost but I just feel like he has no right to control me like this.

I think it's highly unlikely this level of suspicion has come out of nowhere after 20 years. So I imagine that, assuming you're telling the truth about your relationship with this other man, that there have been other situations where you have had to "prove" your loyalty, trustworthyness etc over the years?

Although it might also depend on how old your child is - I've noticed on MN that this sort of insecure, controlling behaviour tends to ramp up as the DC get that little bit older, a little more independent and the woman starts to think, "right, time for me to have a bit of myself back" and starts working out, meeting friends, focusing on her appearance etc. Without realising it, she'd been doing what he wanted for years - staying close, prioritising him/the family etc - and now that she's daring to step away from that a little these men can't take it and it all goes tits up.

x1000 if part of this leads to more interaction with men - a new job, men at gym or other hobby, an increased social circle etc.

healthybychristmas · 27/03/2025 16:05

If there's no serious reason for your partner to suspect you of anything then it would be the end for me.

healthybychristmas · 27/03/2025 16:05

If there's no serious reason for your partner to suspect you of anything then it would be the end for me.

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 27/03/2025 18:29

GoAwayNow7 · 27/03/2025 14:59

He recently accused me of cheating as I have a male friend however this is due to them having a child who is friends with our child.

No it’s not. It’s because you enjoy his company. You’re not friends with every dad who’s child is friendly with yours.

How important is this friendship to you that you’re ok with it causing problems in your relationship?

If OP has talked to her husband about the friendship and he still feels the need to secretly record her, they already have problems in the relationship.

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