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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have posted about this before - dp has bashed up the kitchen in a rage this morning. Terrified the dc and the dog and the cat. He is now in bed asleep.

91 replies

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 10:04

What do I do.

OP posts:

beezmum · 14/05/2008 10:06

contact a womens domestic violence group in your area and ask for advice.

McDreamy · 14/05/2008 10:06

Oh you poor thing! How are the children now? How are you? Is there anyone you can go and talk to? Are you or your children hurt? Sorry I'm asking you so many questions and haven't given you any advice

Tortington · 14/05/2008 10:07

you need to leave.

go to your local housing office and ask them to house you tempoarily.

do it now whilst he is asleep

belcantavinissima · 14/05/2008 10:07

i'm sorry i havent seen any of your other postings but that sounds very scary esp for the kids.

i think you know what you need to do really dont you?

{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}

Enid · 14/05/2008 10:08

my mum used to do things like this

the best advice I can give you is to show your children that you are trying to make their situation better or they may not forgive you for making them suffer through this. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 10:11

I am ok - just tidying up and trying to work. The children are ok they are at school and nursery (5 & 3). They seem fine - and I tried to get on with things as normal.

OP posts:

Enid · 14/05/2008 10:12

yes they will seem fine

I used to help my dad clear up then look after my younger siblings whilst simultaneously doing brilliantly at school

it can really fuck you up

Kewcumber · 14/05/2008 10:13

has he done this kind of thing before?

clumsymum · 14/05/2008 10:13

Is this a sober rage, or a drunk/drug rage?

McDreamy · 14/05/2008 10:15

Jazzicatz I think you should really listen to Enid! I'm so sorry this is happening to you but you can make it stop

WinkyWinkola · 14/05/2008 10:15

Does it matter what kind of rage?

You must get him out or leave yourself for your safety and the kids.

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. There are people who can help you. Women's Aid.

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 10:16

I know - just not sure really what to do Dp suffers from depression - which he will not admit to. He can be fine for weeks and is the best dad. Then the depression takes over and he flies into rages. He hasn't done too much damage just a couple of broken plates and a cup - but it is what it signifies. Just don't know what to do

OP posts:

clumsymum · 14/05/2008 10:16

If he was mine he would not now be asleep in bed.

He would be either packing his stuff to get the hell out, or in police custody.

If you love your children get him OUT. They don't need this in their lives, honestly they don't.

Kewcumber · 14/05/2008 10:16

I'm not sure you'll want to hear this but my close friend who is now in her late 40's has never forgiven her mother for not leaving her violent father.

Worse than the physical abuse was the mental - she described sittig at the top of the stairs scared to come downstirs in case her fatehr was in "a mood". She is terribly insecure and needy with men and as a result has a history of fractured relationships and now a single mother herself.

chipkid · 14/05/2008 10:16

Jazzicat-I lived in this sort of environment as a child and it is very scary-it is the unpredictability that causes such huge amounts of stress. I know that you must be feeling utterly helpless but you have to act for the sake of your children. Unless this behaviour stops you need to remove your children from it. As they get older and more aware of what is going on the harder it will become for them to deal with.
I really feel for you and I hope that you can resolve this quickly for all of you

McDreamy · 14/05/2008 10:18

When he gets up how is he likely to explain his behaviour? Could you threaten him with an ultimatum - not nice I know! Either he seeks help or he leaves?

Kewcumber · 14/05/2008 10:19

you are the only person who can protect your children and they have the right to expect it from you.

Depression may explain it but it still doesnt mean that your childrne should be expected to live with it. Perhaps you could move out (move him out) temporarily with the condition that if he gets his depression treated you will reconsider.

clumsymum · 14/05/2008 10:20

Jazzi, my dh gets depression too. The first time it happened I eventually told him to get treatment or get out. I meant it. It's tough love, you have to MAKE him get treatment.

He went on ADs, and life got easier. Since then he has had two more bouts, but now trusts me to see him on the downward spiral, and will go to Drs (after a couple of rows) when I tell him he needs to.

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 10:20

I have just tried to speak to him and it culminated in an argument - he will not accept responsibility and is trying to blame me for his mood. Can't kick him out - it is his house.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/05/2008 10:21

Kew's last post sums it up.

notjustmom · 14/05/2008 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enid · 14/05/2008 10:23

Yes my mum was depressed - well, looking back on it she was probably quite mentally ill. Unpredictable violent destructive outbursts then periods of calm when everyone was so pathetically grateful we'd all be lovely to everyone. Then she would lose it again and throw all my stuff out of the window/smash up the kitchen/break every plate in the house etc etc. My dad could have made lives easier for his children but he chose not to. I therefore have understanding, but little tolerance, of people with children who choose to live their lives in this way.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2008 10:24

Jazzicatz

I am so sorry (but unfortunately not altogether surprised) that he is still being awful towards you and the children. Such men rarely if ever change and it is not down to you to "fix" or "rescue" him.

Your children do not need such a man around in their lives. Why should they have to see all this crap at such a young age, bad enough at any age. They are taking all this in you know - do not kid yourself that they are not (not suggesting you are btw). You can clear up and make things "normal" again but you cannot yourself solve the underlying problems.

On a wider level what are you both teaching these children about relationships?. Would you actually want them to grow up thinking that smashing up the kitchen in a rage is somehow normal?. Of course not!!. A child's house should be a sanctuary, not a warzone.

You are only responsible for your own self and your children. Not him.

I would agree entirely with the other responses; I think you know what you have to do. Womens Aid would also be able to help you.

McDreamy · 14/05/2008 10:24

Ok, do you have somewhere you and the children could go? Family, close friends?

You are NOT responsible for HIS mood, HE is responsible for how HE feels and if it is out of his control he needs to accept he needs help not find someone to blame.

You do not need this, you need all the strength you have to care and protect your children. You can do this!!

McDreamy · 14/05/2008 10:25

Blimey Enid, you'll have me in tears in a minute

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