I have posted about this before - dp has bashed up the kitchen in a rage this morning. Terrified the dc and the dog and the cat. He is now in bed asleep.

[Jazzicatz]

What do I do.

BTW I say this because although you originally said 'he bashed up the kitchen', you then said it was 'just a couple of broken plates and a cup'.

Although it is an aggressive act, and not a nice one, to me it does not necessarily mean he would hit anyone.

Fondant - thank you for your post. you have summed up what I was trying to say totally - but am too rubbish at. I cannot say I love him anymore as this has been going on for so long. But he is the father of my children and for that he will always be very special. I don't want to split my family up - but think it may be my only option.

He threw stuff about, which led to those items being broken. It could have been far worse, but it was enough to frightn the boys and the dog and the cat.

Mmm - that is pretty scary. It would probably be enough for me to call a time out! eg ask for time apart so you can both think about things.

Is there somewhere he could go for a few days (relatives)? Maybe then you could start talking about how you are feeling and how you see your future together.

I would def consider what the exit options are, but leave the door open to the possibility that he could confront his demons, get help, and change. It would make his life better, and help the kids, even if you end up splitting up!

you're not splitting up your family - he did that when he behaved as he did and then had no remorse

the status quo will only reinforce his belief that his behaviour is normal/acceptable

As I'm sure you know, violence can escalate. My mum's friend went through something similar (albeit alcohol-fuelled); it started off with breaking objects and one day ended in rape. When they finally divorced they were in family therapy for some time (the older child who was about 9 or 10 at the time was particularly affected).

Good luck, I'm sure you will find the strength to act positively for all of your sakes.

If you leave him now, then once you're apart he may be able to establish a good relationship with the DCs. If you stay with him, then things will inevitably escalate and the chances are your DCs will end up hating him.

It's so hard, isn't it. My mum is still with my dad, despite him being a violent brute. She denies how truly awful he is, and forgives him for his threats and bruises. I have suffered from eating problems and severe depression because of my parents behaviour. One brother beats up his wife, and the other is being treated for depression. All of us have suffered from problems with jobs/money, and in terms of relationships.
The Domestic Violence helpline is fantastic. They also understand that some people will not leave or cannot easily leave. They also said that there is little point in trying to diagnose someone who is violent. Unless they seek help for their behaviour, it will continue unabated and unchallenged.

Whatever else, please keep both yourself and your children safe!

jazzicatz - hope you are OK. What is the latest news? Have you decided on a course of action?

In answer to the OP - leave - what else?

Oh, I suppose you could ask him to leave.

Jazzi, I first read this article in Oprah magazine a few years ago. And it was so powerful I saved it for my own daughters to read.

The writer is the daughter of an emotionally abusive man with a temper like your husbands.

Her mother made excuses for him for years before leaving him.

Please read how this affected hers and her siblings lives and make a decision for you and your children:

allthewrongmen

sorry, try this one.

it's actually an excerpt from her book, If I am Missing or Dead, in honour of her sister, Amy, who was murdered by her boyfriend.

fromaletterfoundtapedunderAmyLatusdesk

Jazzi you've got to get out. I can see it would be easy to settle in again because his temper will ease BUT you know it's going to come back. You can't let anyone frighten your boys in this way. They don't deserve it and you need to make sure they don't suffer lasting effects.

Also you may well be doing your DP a favour because it may force him to get some kind of serious help for himself. I mean, why would he bother to get help if you and the boys stick around for him anyway?

Thanks all again for your kind messages. Found that dp had also bashed a hole in the downstairs loo which I have only noticed today. I am trying to get sorted out for my interview next week which will provide me with an exit strategy - if I don't get it then I have arranged to stay with my parents. He is still at his mothers and so far we haven't spoken.

Jazzi, if you work in the field presumably you are aware that you can apply for a non molestation injunction and an occupation order in order that you and the children are protected and that he can be forced to leave the house, irrespective of the fact that it's in his name.

If unsure, get yourself a free half hour with a family solicitor. All good family lawyers belong to www.resolution.org.uk