I have posted about this before - dp has bashed up the kitchen in a rage this morning. Terrified the dc and the dog and the cat. He is now in bed asleep.

[Jazzicatz]

What do I do.

He is projecting onto you by blaming you.

No, he is responsible for his own actions. You did not cause him to fly off in a rage.

You are only responsible for your own self and that of your children. You have to keep your children safe.

"I have just tried to speak to him and it culminated in an argument - he will not accept responsibility and is trying to blame me for his mood. Can't kick him out - it is his house. "

Of COURSE it becomes an argument. If he's depressed he isn't rational, he can't reasonably explain his behaviour, nor discuss it, and everyone and everything else is to blame. Don't argue, don't try to reason with him. If you can't kick him out then go yourself, and take the children. Just go,shake him up, and make it clear that he either goes to get treatment, or you don't come back.

In a few weeks time the 5 year old will be off from school - I expect school and nursery feel like a safe place for them right now. If you can't do something today can't you plan to stay with someone and give you and your children some space and somewhere safe to stay, when the school breaks up? It could really lead to much more when they are off.

But agree very much with the advice and what Kew put.

What Enid said.

As a child in this situation you have no choice or control in the matter -- you turn into a super-coper in the vain hope that if you're good enough, things will come right in your family. Needless to say it doesn't work, and you assume it's because you're not good enough, which follows you throughout your life.

A very destructive pattern to impose on a small child with a vulnerable developing mind. Yes, you are a victim too, but YOU HAVE A CHOICE and your kids don't.

Deal with it or get out. It is NOT okay, whatever excuses he may make for his behaviour.

I think you know what you must do deep down - but are not going to ever do it

I cannot afford to go anywhere - we have no money and he is saying that he will not move out. If I don't like it then I must go. How am I supposed to do that with literally nothing?

What frogs said.

You do not want to become super responsible for this man. It will not work and will only drag you and your children down with him.

What's caused his depressive state?. Does he drink, I ask this as alcohol also acts as a depressant.

I feel very sorry for the children, Really I do.

If you love them, show it. Move them away from this situation.

Get him to see he needs help. Then get the help.

When he's able to behave in a more reasonable manner, take the kids back. But until then, move them away from this distressing situation.

Women's Aid.

I think you need to go to some kind of rescue centre. You need to be strong for your children here you just need to do it - get away. YOU are the adult and they are vulnerable children, do you think these frights are doing them any good?

Womens Aid etc will be able to help you work out how to leave, regardless of whether you have any money etc

"I cannot afford to go anywhere - we have no money and he is saying that he will not move out. If I don't like it then I must go. How am I supposed to do that with literally nothing?"

Other poster's have already said, you can go to women's aid, or ask the council for re-homing.
Do you have any family? Won't your children's grandparents/aunts/uncles/godparents someone offer them somewhere to stay temporarily so you can get your dp sorted out?

I would take him up on his offer and go. Better to leave with your ownselves intact than to spend yet another night in his house of awfulness.

Having nothing is not in itself an absolute barrier to leaving. Don't use that as a reason for staying.

Act now, get on the phone to the council, Womens Aid - they can help you find a place of safety. You owe that much to your children.

im really sorry you're going through this, but it realyl ISNT a case of being able to afford to leave, you MUST leave, like people have suggested womens aid and other areas WILL help, you CAN NOT stay here with your children

The irony is I work within the field of domestic violence. I know all of the procedures and what I can do etc. I just don't think this warrants such an extreme reaction. and I certainly do not want to take away resources from those that really need the help. I I know I am being really crap I just feel overwhelmed with it all. Sometimes I just fucking hate him for doing this to me and my gorgeous boys.

what sort of reaction does it warrant then?
If you were a 'case' at work, what would you advise?

You have tried to discuss it with him. He turned it back on you.
He has basically told you to live with it or leave...

as well as yourself you must think about you absolutely MUST put your children first!, theyre old enough to understand and you also sound wise enough to know what you must do, you already know a lot about this kind of thing, so you will have contacts..you dont think its 'that' extreme..imagine what it feels like to your two tiny children

Right then you have made your decision. If you think this is something you can live around like the proverbial elephant in the living room. Just don't expect your children to thrive emotionally and physically from the decision you have made.

Jazz, this does require such a reaction.

Several adult members here have told you how this sort of behaviour affected their lives and their relationships.

Please, please reread their posts.

A person who does this and blames it on you is abusive.

Of course you have choices. The less you have now, the less you have to lose. Phone Women's Aid, phone a solicitor, call the police on him, go to a refuge, whatever it takes.

As kids we would have far preferred to live in a bedsit with a mother who chose to protect us than in a 4-bed detached house with a mother who stood by while we were all tyrannised and terrified by our father's violent moods.

By doing nothing you are effectively making a choice to put your dp before your children. One day they will understand the implications of your choice, and they won't forgive you.

so true frogs, so true

And KM makes a very salient point.

If I had a neighbour from whom I kept hearing disturbances like this, I would report them to SS.

I really would.

It is never good for children to be living in such circumstances.

I've been depressed myself, still am. But if my behaviour were causing me to lose control like that I'd get it treated OR leave myself rather than subject my kids to that.

Well I am obviously as rubbish a mother as I am a parter.

what you have to ask yourself is this - where is that line where he takes your dignity.

its diferent for everyone.

worse than that

much much worse

where is that line where you continually allow him to do these things and you know you have no dignity left, no pride just cowardlyness.

how bad does it have to get before you will use the resources - one punch, threaten, hair pull, shove?