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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have posted about this before - dp has bashed up the kitchen in a rage this morning. Terrified the dc and the dog and the cat. He is now in bed asleep.

91 replies

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 10:04

What do I do.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/05/2008 10:54

you are abused, jazz.

and i think on some level you know that.

sadly, in abusive situations, there comes a point where you either chose to live with it or get out.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2008 10:55

there are MANY, MANY posters on here who have been in abusive relationships.

clumsymum · 14/05/2008 10:56

Jazzicat,
I know, you think that "This doesn't happen to people like me"
Well it does, it is happening.

And your gorgeous boys don't deserve this.

Now you haven't answered any questions we've asked. You come on asking "what should I do", but don't want to follow the course of action we suggest.

Then why did you post? What do YOU think you should do?

If it was me, I'd be asking my family for help. Not saying "I'm a victim of domestic violence", but saying "dp has a health problem, I need to move the children away from him to encourage him to sort this out. Can you help us please?"

Can't you do that??

ButterflyMcQueen · 14/05/2008 10:56

my mother was the same enid

my childhood spent under a fearful cloud

depression does not excuse it - your dp needs to get help

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 10:57

Yes you are all right. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

tigana · 14/05/2008 10:57

You are not a rubbish partner - he is.

What else could you do? You could leave, issuing him with an ultimatum, that he either gets help or you and dc do not come back.

frogs · 14/05/2008 10:57

You're not a rubbish mother. You have the option to show your children that you value their needs and safety above all other priorities.

Take it, by whatever means.

CrushWithEyeliner · 14/05/2008 10:58

I believe, albeit contravercially, that if you stay with men like this it makes you indeed a very bad Mother. I also speak from bitter bitter experience.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2008 11:08

"The irony is I work within the field of domestic violence. I know all of the procedures and what I can do etc.

Even more reason to take a stand then against him.

"I just don't think this warrants such an extreme reaction. and I certainly do not want to take away resources from those that really need the help".

Okay so what to your mind does warrant an extreme reaction?. Hitting you and the kids?. You being in such a toxic environment have become conditioned to his rubbish, you are not yourself to blame for thinking like this. You will NOT be taking any resources away from other women.

I think as well it is only when you and the children are fully away from him will you realise how awful he actually is. He cares for no-one but himself.

"I know I am being really crap I just feel overwhelmed with it all. Sometimes I just fucking hate him for doing this to me and my gorgeous boys".

He has made you feel overwhelmed; women in domestic violence situations often feel overwhelmed. You see that these situations played out again and again in your working life. Don't just react and tidy up around him - ACT!!!. Don't let him do this to you all anymore. Take some power back woman!!!.

Don't let your boys potentially become physical and or mental abusers because of what they have seen as children. If you were ultimately to stay with him they will not thank you as adults for doing so. They will likely blame you instead for putting him before them. Other posters have posted along the same lines and they themselves saw this when they were children. Take heed of their words.

clumsymum · 14/05/2008 11:18

Also, by putting up with this unreasonable behaviour, you are NOT helping your dp.

He is obviously not happy with his life, he can't cope with it. He needs treatment. You must force him into some sort of treatment. Losing his family may be the spur he needs (it was for my dh).

Cosette · 14/05/2008 11:30

My exDH was like this - mainly verbally and emotionally abusive, and the occasional shove or throwing things in my direction. I didn't class it as domestic violence as he wasn't really hitting me. I also made lots of excuses - young children are hard work - they were 3 and 1 at the time etc etc.

The turning point for me came when he did start hitting, kicking and punching me - not often initially, but the frequency gradually increased. When my 3 yr old DD pushed his drink over trying to get him to stop shouting at me and he shouted at her instead, I knew things weren't going to get any better.

I was fortunate in having a well paid job, and I made him leave, and I have never regretted it. He was a right pain for a long time - blaming me for taking his children away from him etc.

This was 10 years ago now, and I am now remarried to a wonderful man with a 20mth old, my 2 DDs are lovely well-adjusted and happy girls. They still see their father and have a good relationship with him - he has never been violent towards them. With hindsight I can see the relationship hadn't been healthy for a long time before we split - but I ignored the warning signs, even though I had tried to get him along to Relate.

Ironically he was very keen to go to Relate once we'd split up - but it was too late.

My advice would be that you do need to leave - he has no incentive to change if you stay and put up with it. I found it a great relief to be on my own and hadn't realised quite how stressed I had been tiptoeing around him.

bundle · 14/05/2008 11:31

jazzicatz, there's some excellent advice on here, wishing you strength, x

ihavetotell · 14/05/2008 11:39

My mother is 54, married at 17. My father still bashes up the house and even bit her until she bled the other night.
I have no feelings for him but resent her for staying with him whilst he roared in temper, smashed up our house including my stereo that I had saved up for for 11 months when I was 11.
I am really sorry about your situation but feel you must get out, now.

Kewcumber · 14/05/2008 11:43

clumsymum makes a good point - you're not helping yourself or your children by staying. Do you think you're helping your DP?

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 11:46

He has gone to work now - I am grateful to you all for sharing your advice and experiences with me. I know things have to change and it is down to me to do that. I have a job interview for a job away from here that I will take the boys. I cannot live like this anymore. The most important thing in my life are my boys and their well-being. I have to acknowledge that he will not change and is unwilling to accept reponsibility or that he needs help. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:

PosieParker · 14/05/2008 11:46

All the best.

bundle · 14/05/2008 11:48

good for you!

and remember it's not just your boys' wellbeing - your health and happiness is crucial to your children's development too, xxx

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 11:49

To be honest I don't care about my dp anymore - I haven't for a long time. I just don't want to deprive my boys of their dad. As I said he is normally a fantastic father. Thnigs between him and I have not been good for a long time, but as a father he is great. But I don't want my ds's to believe that this is acceptable especially as he has not apologised.

OP posts:

tigana · 14/05/2008 11:52

Well done jazzicatz. An exit strategy is a good idea.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2008 11:54

'as a father he is great. But I don't want my ds's to believe that this is acceptable especially as he has not apologised. '

a great father doesn't behave like this and blame it on his wife.

a great father gets help when he's ill and can't cope because he doesn't want it to impact on his kids lives in a negative way, or as little as possible.

his behaviour is not acceptable. you can't say 'sorry' and then continue to behave like this.

Kewcumber · 14/05/2008 11:59

did you ask your boys when they were scared of him how great a father they thought he was. He will still be their father - he just needs to sort his shit out because if he doesn;t they will end up spending as much time apart from him as they possibly can as they get the opportunity when they get a bit older.

Original poster

Jazzicatz · 14/05/2008 12:04

Yes I know - the children wanted me to take them to school this morning. Normally dp takes the elder boy. Ds1 wanted me to take him which is a first as he loves being with dp. I just think that we all lose our tempers sometimes, and it is important that children understand the consquences of this and that saying sorry and explaining can help children to understand how to deal with conflict. Dp hasn't and won't and I feel this is unacceptable. It is bad enough he has lost his rag - but an apology and explantion to me especially would go a long way. All dp could say was that it is my fault!

OP posts:

edam · 14/05/2008 12:05

Jazzicatz, there are lots of people who work professionally with people affected by domestic violence who think 'it can't happen to me'. And are too embarrassed to seek help themselves - including some who have posted on this site.

It can happen to anyone - don't let pride stop you seeking help, sweetie.

I do hope you get out to a place of safety - for you and your children.

Saturn74 · 14/05/2008 12:07

There is a big difference between just losing your temper, and bashing up the kitchen in a rage.

He needs to get help.

fondant4000 · 14/05/2008 12:14

Jazzicatz - You should get out if you feel you or the children are in danger.

BUT, my dad was like this and never hit us and I would not have wanted him off the scene because of it.

He was lovely and cuddly and played with us. But he would lose his temper in a flash, shout and throw plates about. It was scary, and it has affected me. I really wish he had realised how bad it was and had got help. My parents ended up divorcing.

Now I have two young children of my own (5 and 2) and I can see how easy it is to become detached from your partner, and how easy it is to become depressed. My dh, who is a SAHD, often feels gloomy and can be very grumpy sometimes. He will always apologise for inflicting his mood on other people - not that that makes it OK!

Anyway, I'm just saying that your dh needs to realise that it is unacceptable, serious, and he is in danger of losing you and the kids if he doesn't get help. It's OK to have an exit strategy but could you not also consider that he could get help and become a happier person for himself and his family. Things might even improve between the two of you if you discuss it without blame and honestly. I know that I can get into a situation with my dh when he is stressed out where I think I could do without him. But when we talk over what's happening and why I find the friend I fell in love with in the first place is still there. Bringing up small children can just be v. stressful.

Although what my dad did was wrong, I love him dearly, and I think if my parents had been a bit older they might have sat down and talked about it instead of my mum unilaterally making the decison that the family was splitting up.

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