Found out a newish friend smokes crack - wwyd?

[Dooberryraspberry]

So I made friends with an older woman last year and in particular started to ride her horses as she'd broken her leg. I adore the horses and see her and them three times a week.

Now, no judgement, this woman is late 50s and a traveller, can't read or write. She'd told me in chats she used to be a heroine addict and I'd noted an alcohol problem but frankly it's none of my business if she wants to drink special brew at 9am. I grew up with alcoholics and know not to get involved/try to help/change or enable.

We get on well and I adore the horses, it gives me a much needed break from real life problems!

However she recently admitted she likes smoking a crack pipe. I realised that when she says she's "going for a wee" at the stables, she is in fact having a quick smoke.

Now I feel really uneasy. The horses are well cared for and I like going there etc. But should I cut ties/withdraw from the relationship?

I have said to my DH I won't take my daughter up there and will be careful, but is there any other precaustion I should be taking?

You define your own boundaries. How long have you known her?

Are you scared you're going to start smoking crack too ?

No not worried I'll start too 🤣

Only known her six months so not long. She's very sweet, not violent etc. Obvs ill keep my daughter (<5) away.

What boundaries should I have?!!

Tricky one! Are you there for the horses only? I definitely wouldn't be doing anything like letting her drive anywhere, borrow any money, meet my family and I'd be clear it's not your bag if she talks about it.
For me it's a no, I just don't want to be around people with drug problems but each to their own

So is it ethical crack or from dealers who ruin lives at home and abroad?

I suppose considerations like do the dealers turn up at the stables, is she in debt, does she deal herself to pay for it, does she involve children in the supply chain or are they involved somewhere (very likely), do you want to associate with someone like that. Are you at risk if there is police intelligence (there will be) about her and other associates up the chain, is your name bandied about as someone who associates with her?

Lots of this you wont know and wont be able to find out, but thats what the discussions are likely to be in any police intelligence/safeguarding intelligence meetings if she is mentioned/involved in anything that brings her to their attention.

She doesn't drive so that's no problem. I don't lend money. She has met DH and DD but that was before I knew.

I guess I'm a little uncertain because I'm a child of an alcoholic and don't know sensible boundaries to have! I do know and stick to "do not help", "do not rescue" generally.

While part of me wants to quit I love those horses, and would take them on if something happened, but I can't force that.

This is MN so this must be ethical crack.

Like ethical cannabis, coke, speed, the whole shebang.

I would step away promptly and politely.

I absolutely am judgemental about people using cocaine. Read about the violence and misery the drug trade causes in South America. It destroys the lives of some of the poorest people living in areas ruled by drug gangs. No one should be supporting this.

Google living with a crack addict, lots of info on the internet. The paranoia would trouble me, she could turn on you, but best to research and decide if you want to take the risk. Horses are generally kept rurally with no one in the vicinity if she suddenly decides your trying to steal them.

It sounds like the relationship works fine for both of you as it is, so I don't see any need to change anything; and as you're a grown-up and you now know what you're dealing with, you can just carry on as you are...you're not intending to take it up yourself, and you're unlikely to find yourself mixing with the people she buys it from, so there's no problem.

FWIW, back in my youth, coke was the drug of choice at parties and out clubbing, it's something you can do, or not do, as you please - it's not like alcohol where everyone encourages you to have a drink. Just enjoy your friendship at the level it is now, and don't worry about it.

I agree, I'd step back/politely fade out. I don't think you need to be giving headspace to the what ifs and what your boundaries are and how to hold them. This could be none of your concern and you'd be happier for it, you deserve that.

I like horses too - but there is a line here

Ach, I’d just stick with your care and enjoyment of the horses.

You can rethink your situation if things go bad.

I personally would drop her like a stone

Why did you feel the need to mention her ethnicity? It has absolutely 0 to do with this.

No, I wouldn't spend my time around people who smoke crack. Plenty of horses about.

Avoid like the plague.
Crack can cause intense paranoia by overstimulating the brain's dopamine pathways, leading to distorted thinking, extreme suspicion, and even hallucinations. You are literally putting your life in your own hands by being close to this crackhead. She could have a psychotic break at any point and harm you.

Thanks for all the responses. I appreciate the horrendous environment around drug use and don't condone it. Equally though if I confront her, she'll just hide it.
So maybe I will slow fade a bit.
My real tie is the horses and I've spent a lot of time building up relationship with them. It's a shame to let that go.

Loads of horse owners are, ahem, difficult in many ways 😂

Lot of dramatic stuff on here, but I’d just see f it actually affects you

I mean, I don’t think her smoking crack is going to pose any risk to you. I say this as someone who has horses and is very familiar with addiction.

But there are a lot of dodgy horse folks, and me personally, with the added paranoia and twitchiness caused by substance misuse (you can smoke lots of things in a pipe, not just crack, it could be heroin), I would be nervous of being accused of something, having my name plastered all over local groups if you anger her, or generally being associated with her if she has a reputation.

Other horse people will know her and they will probably think certain things of you by association. It’s a very gossipy world.

@Dooberryraspberry “ I grew up with alcoholics and know not to get involved/try to help/change or enable.” I suppose this may be the hook for you…those that have had certain childhood experiences are often psychologically drawn to attempting to recreate those circumstances. Does she have any qualities that you resonate with? Interesting one! Having worked in addiction services, those that have managed to reach an older age without dying, becoming seriously ill or being sucked down into the chaos can be interesting people, I’m intrinsically curious but not sure how I would define a friendship in these circumstances! I would say just be sure of what you get yourself drawn into.

Same

Me too.

It’s not a lifestyle I much want to rub up against.

That's an entirely different discussion (!) but interesting. I did once ask a counsellor why I attract addicts and she said it was because I saw it as normal.