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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

No interest in me physically

87 replies

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:11

My boyfriend and I got back together recently after a couple of months apart. He is 50 and I'm 38. He's always been hard to grasp when it comes to sex. In the 6 years we've basically been together he's been through months of not wanting any sort of physical touch. To months where he's wanted sex 3 or 4 times a week. But it's been pretty dead for 18 months now and nothing I say seems to work.

I'm not unattractive. Men my own age ask me out. I'm not gorgeous. But I wear makeup. Smile and wear nice clothes. I wear perfume. There's no reason I can put my finger on that he wouldn't like me. But he just isn't remotely interested. All he does is pecks me on the lips and fall asleep with me on the sofa.

He's currently laid with his dog who's getting huge. That's another aspect. He just won't teach the dog to lay down on the floor. I've told him I'm fed up. But it's always made into a joke or he will say he's too big and needs to not sleep with us. But then nothing with that changes either.

We've had a nice day together but the dogs been stuck with him 24/7. He's just laid down with the dog so I've said I'm going to bed to read. He said they'd come through in a minute. I said no I want to read and be comfy. Him lying in here with his back turned to Me and a dog on my feet isn't what I want.

I've had enough. I'm so fed up. I can't force him. I know he has no desire for me anymore. But yet he buys me gifts recently. He cooks for me. He's done decorating etc. He is doing things. But I want a real connection.

I don't know what to do. Its making me moody.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 21/03/2025 19:13

you know who I don’t have to be with him?

yeesh · 21/03/2025 19:19

Sounds like you made a mistake getting back with him

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:20

yeesh · 21/03/2025 19:19

Sounds like you made a mistake getting back with him

I think you are right. He got the dog 2 months ago just before we got back together. It's taken my place I think. It's become his world and he's not going to shag me because the dog won't leave his side for 5 minutes

OP posts:
Anchorage56 · 21/03/2025 19:23

You say you've had enough so end it

MemorableTrenchcoat · 21/03/2025 19:28

If he hasn’t been interested in sex for the past 18 months, what possessed you to get back together with him 2 months ago?

OldChairMan · 21/03/2025 19:36

Why do you think the issue is with your level of attractiveness?

He's 50 - you must have considered that his libido and/or ability to maintain an erection have declined and will likely continue to decline? Or he was never particularly interested in sex beyond occasional periods (medication?). He’s shown you over years how he is. Why would it change, except to likely decrease with age?

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:37

The good parts I guess. The company. I hoped we'd reconnect. But we've not even reconnected sexually and I find it sad and frustrating.
I'm being moody tonight and said I'm sleeping on the sofa because I'm sick of not being able to roll over and can't sleep with such little space.
I'm sad we can't cuddle up in the mornings now either. The dog gets in the way every morning. I feel like my bedding stinks too. I'm washing it three times a week because the dogs not cocking his leg up yet. Pees on his feet.

Am I being unfair.

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 21/03/2025 19:38

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:11

My boyfriend and I got back together recently after a couple of months apart. He is 50 and I'm 38. He's always been hard to grasp when it comes to sex. In the 6 years we've basically been together he's been through months of not wanting any sort of physical touch. To months where he's wanted sex 3 or 4 times a week. But it's been pretty dead for 18 months now and nothing I say seems to work.

I'm not unattractive. Men my own age ask me out. I'm not gorgeous. But I wear makeup. Smile and wear nice clothes. I wear perfume. There's no reason I can put my finger on that he wouldn't like me. But he just isn't remotely interested. All he does is pecks me on the lips and fall asleep with me on the sofa.

He's currently laid with his dog who's getting huge. That's another aspect. He just won't teach the dog to lay down on the floor. I've told him I'm fed up. But it's always made into a joke or he will say he's too big and needs to not sleep with us. But then nothing with that changes either.

We've had a nice day together but the dogs been stuck with him 24/7. He's just laid down with the dog so I've said I'm going to bed to read. He said they'd come through in a minute. I said no I want to read and be comfy. Him lying in here with his back turned to Me and a dog on my feet isn't what I want.

I've had enough. I'm so fed up. I can't force him. I know he has no desire for me anymore. But yet he buys me gifts recently. He cooks for me. He's done decorating etc. He is doing things. But I want a real connection.

I don't know what to do. Its making me moody.

Run.

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:40

OldChairMan · 21/03/2025 19:36

Why do you think the issue is with your level of attractiveness?

He's 50 - you must have considered that his libido and/or ability to maintain an erection have declined and will likely continue to decline? Or he was never particularly interested in sex beyond occasional periods (medication?). He’s shown you over years how he is. Why would it change, except to likely decrease with age?

Edited

Do 50 year old men not want sex ever then. Are they not capable of standing behind you and giving you a romantic playful cuddle even if they don't want sex?

I just mean I haven't t let myself go. I try so hard..he told me I looked lovely earlier because I had lipstick on..I straightened my hair. Had a tight vest top on. Still didn't change nothing. He was more bothered about atroki g the dog lol.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 21/03/2025 19:40

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:37

The good parts I guess. The company. I hoped we'd reconnect. But we've not even reconnected sexually and I find it sad and frustrating.
I'm being moody tonight and said I'm sleeping on the sofa because I'm sick of not being able to roll over and can't sleep with such little space.
I'm sad we can't cuddle up in the mornings now either. The dog gets in the way every morning. I feel like my bedding stinks too. I'm washing it three times a week because the dogs not cocking his leg up yet. Pees on his feet.

Am I being unfair.

You’re not being unfair … sharing the bed with a dog would be a no for me, it would gross me out plus it’s there like a third wheel!

OldChairMan · 21/03/2025 19:44

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:40

Do 50 year old men not want sex ever then. Are they not capable of standing behind you and giving you a romantic playful cuddle even if they don't want sex?

I just mean I haven't t let myself go. I try so hard..he told me I looked lovely earlier because I had lipstick on..I straightened my hair. Had a tight vest top on. Still didn't change nothing. He was more bothered about atroki g the dog lol.

You're still focusing on your attractiveness rather than his lack of interest in sex over a period of years.

Of course plenty of 50-year-old men are very interested in sex, but your guy is not, and has never been.

MarkingBad · 21/03/2025 19:45

Why is an attractive woman of 38 with an elderly, sexless old man and his stinky dog?

You're not being unfair, he's a boring old fart who acts like he's 90 and still thinks he's got it because he's got a girlfriend who is over a decade younger than him. It won't get any better.

I'm in my 50s I wouldn't bother with a man like this.

Edited to say sorry I got a bit invested there, don't waste your life on this man, the elderly can suck the life from youth is an old saying.

OldChairMan · 21/03/2025 19:48

The dog is pissing in your bed?

You do know what to do: ask him to leave.

It’s just that it’s uncomfortable to do and I guess you don’t want to be alone. But this is crazy.

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:50

I'm so wound up and I don't know how to express myself to him. I've commited to the sofa because I'm so fed up of the set up. He's gone to sleep already. It's just depressing.

OP posts:
Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:51

OldChairMan · 21/03/2025 19:48

The dog is pissing in your bed?

You do know what to do: ask him to leave.

It’s just that it’s uncomfortable to do and I guess you don’t want to be alone. But this is crazy.

He pisses on his feet in the garden then bounces up on the furniture because he's allowed it from day 1. He's not bed trained either. So he jumps up and lays down wherever he fancies in the bed. He has no boundaries and my boyfriends obsessed with him. Thinks I'm just jealous of him.

OP posts:
Arcticrival · 21/03/2025 19:52

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:40

Do 50 year old men not want sex ever then. Are they not capable of standing behind you and giving you a romantic playful cuddle even if they don't want sex?

I just mean I haven't t let myself go. I try so hard..he told me I looked lovely earlier because I had lipstick on..I straightened my hair. Had a tight vest top on. Still didn't change nothing. He was more bothered about atroki g the dog lol.

Sex drive decreases as men get older. you know this. As they go through their 50s it reduces hugely, Of course there are exceptions.What I mean is men who probably haven't been that interested in previous years are the ones whose drive reduces quickly and by a lot.

If you want a physical relationship then you need to move on. Dont' take it personally

OldChairMan · 21/03/2025 19:53

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:50

I'm so wound up and I don't know how to express myself to him. I've commited to the sofa because I'm so fed up of the set up. He's gone to sleep already. It's just depressing.

Tomorrow:

"This is not working for me. Please just leave."

MarkingBad · 21/03/2025 19:54

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:50

I'm so wound up and I don't know how to express myself to him. I've commited to the sofa because I'm so fed up of the set up. He's gone to sleep already. It's just depressing.

Just tell him it's not working out and you think it's best you part now.

You can leave anyone at any time for any reason, you need to look after you. He is adding nothing much to your life, what you hoped for just isn't there. Let him find someone willing to put up with his lack of sex drive and dog, go find a decent, one.

Your self esteem seems rock bottom, might be worth working on that before you find someone else, abusers spot low self esteem very quickly.

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 19:57

MarkingBad · 21/03/2025 19:54

Just tell him it's not working out and you think it's best you part now.

You can leave anyone at any time for any reason, you need to look after you. He is adding nothing much to your life, what you hoped for just isn't there. Let him find someone willing to put up with his lack of sex drive and dog, go find a decent, one.

Your self esteem seems rock bottom, might be worth working on that before you find someone else, abusers spot low self esteem very quickly.

I know. Its a dead end discussion really as we've talked before. He has his excuses lined up. I think he has such a strong bond with dogs he just isn't interested in human connections.

OP posts:
ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 21/03/2025 19:58

Hang on, your bedding? This is your own home that he’s moved into or a joint one?

Userengage · 21/03/2025 19:59

Who cares about his connection with dogs? Who cares about him cooking, decorating for you and buying presents? It means nothing if you’re not happy.

I’m hoping this is your home since you said it’s your bedding. Just dump him and his dog. It wasn’t working before, it still isn’t - end it.

Pamspeople · 21/03/2025 20:01

What do you mean "I don't know what to do"? What are your options?

Stay with someone who makes you feel miserable and unwanted, or leave and get on with your life

Floralfloralliz · 21/03/2025 20:02

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 21/03/2025 19:58

Hang on, your bedding? This is your own home that he’s moved into or a joint one?

Yes they stay at mine half the week. Also my sofas. I'm really sick of it. It's a 6 month old cane corso. So you can Imagine how rapidly its growing. He is around the size of a staffy and already huge when sprawled out. He has never taught him to lie on the floor.

OP posts:
OldChairMan · 21/03/2025 20:02

He pisses on his feet in the garden then bounces up on the furniture because he's allowed it from day 1. He's not bed trained either. So he jumps up and lays down wherever he fancies in the bed. He has no boundaries and my boyfriends obsessed with him. Thinks I'm just jealous of him.

So as well as no sex or affection, your boyfriend does not respect you or your home.

Don't waste your energy on further discussion. The relationship is dead, you just need to bury it.

How would you feel if you were still in this situation by Christmas? Pretty shit, I'd imagine?

How is the rest of your life going? Invest your time and energy in that.

Userengage · 21/03/2025 20:03

Tell him to leave, tonight. Don’t sleep on your own sofa, that’s crazy and he doesn’t even care.

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