resentment over ultimatum

[whiningshinji]

Many years ago my wife gave me an ultimatum around having a third child. I adamantly didn't want a third, but to spare my other two children a broken home I acquiesced.

All the things I knew would happen happened. I got locked into a high pressure,high paying job I hated to cover heightened costs, free time totally evaporated and the friends I did have soon drifted due to me going from work to home and back again and never seeing anyone! My hobbies, modest though they were all withered due to lack of time/funds. My wife maintained some of her social contact and hobbies once all children were into school(less full on job with better annual leave - mine unsurprisingly was stingy and was absorbed by school holiday coverage)

The resentment I felt towards my wife over this never went away. Our third child is now approaching adulthood and all I can think about is leaving.

I got dragged to yet another (tiresome) couples thing by my wife. I normally don't drink, but I had a couple this time. We were talking to some people who were talking about how hard the baby and toddler years were and how they stopped at one, saying to us and another couple how did we manage three. I said it was a very hard slog - my wife chipped in by saying that we wouldn't change a thing.

Apparently at this point I scowled and muttered that I would. I wasn't even aware of doing this! Either way my wife is now getting an inkling that my mindset hasn't been changed by the years. He attitude has wrongly always been she was right and that I fell into line in the end and was content.

Now suddenly she is encouraging me to meet up with friends (who I haven't spoken to in 15 years) and mentioning finding a club for one of my old hobbies.
Bit late!

I am 80% sure I will leave, but this has thrown things because I was hoping to quietly arrange things and then cut the cord. I certainly wouldn't fight on the house or forking over half savings, the house is paid off and she can have it! Well worth it to break free of her.

I don't know what to do, I just feel the resentment has totally eaten away any affection I had over the years.

@MissDoubleU "A toxic and bitter household with “together” parents is far worse than a happy, separated coparenting relationship with two fulfilled and satisfied parents."

Agree. I grew up in a household like that, and my sister and I said to each other many times - starting long before either of us was even in our teens - that we wished they would divorce. It would have been a healing blessing for us.

It seems very likely that OP, with all of his boiling resentment, generated a miasma of distantness, misery, and bitterness around him that the children would have sensed. And kids often blame themselves for parental unhappiness, and take their parent's moodiness as being because the kid is bad or done something wrong.

OP's martydom very likely did not just hurt himself, it likely also affected his children - the ones he claims he was sacrificing himself for. He's behaved very immaturely for a long time.

Homes with two parents and conflict tend to be worse for children than separated families. But one in which one parent is simply unhappy has not been shown to be as bad for children as splitting up.

In all this time OP’s wife (who would be equally responsible for staying in a marriage in which there was conflict that affected the children) appears to have not realised there was still a problem, so it seems likely that OP has done a good job of hiding his resentment and avoiding conflict so far.

I think you probably need relationship counselling. She did put pressure on you, but she was clear what she wanted at least. You should have said no. Now you have built up this make believe life with more friends and an easier job that you believe you could have had if it wasn't for your third child. When in reality, your life could have been worse without your third child. Yoir attitude sounds really unhealthy for you, your wife and your third child.

If you choose to leave over this, that's your choice, but honestly it sounds completely mad to me

He doesn’t love his wife. Once his kids have left home he’ll be in a house with a woman he doesn’t love who he has resented for years, potentially for the rest of his life. Staying in that situation sounds a lot more mad than leaving.

Not loving his wife is a perfectly good reason for leaving. But leaving because of an imagined life he resents not having because of something which was decided 17+ years ago is pretty mad, yes.

But if you don't love her, of course leave. But don't put the blame on her or even worse the existence of your child. How messed up

The blame is on her forcing his hand all those years ago. That wasn’t imagined. That’s what killed the marriage (possibly combined with not really listening to his objections and working hard to mitigate them). An incompatibility that presented a long time ago but which was a cataclysmic fault line nevertheless. I don’t know how anyone realistically expects something like that NOT to kill the heart of a marriage. They’ve just had a long period of OP getting his ducks in a row.

I think the thread has run it's course. Some good commentary - some biased commentary (of course). Will take a lot of the criticism on board but as to the posters who feel the ultimatum was fair game - if a man says he has a biological need to spread his seed so agree to an open marriage or I walk away, totalling two preschool children's lives in the process and plunging all into financial hardship then that surely is fair game as well?

I had to promote in my field to pay for the inevitably needed bigger house and car. This was a big leap. I was on decent money before for a stressful but manageable and more flexible role, once I went up mad hours and lack of flexibility was the trade off for keeping the mortgage paid.

I don't have expensive tastes. Couldn't care less about foreign holidays, new cars or any of that.

Yes I love all three of my children and no the resentment was buried deep and by all accounts all three are decent well rounded young adults.

My wife was well aware that I was not happy, I did voice this for a good number of years and then stopped.her encouragement for me to reach out to former friends was the first I had had in well over a decade, previous attempts were all a lower priority for reasons given in my earlier post.

I am not a martyr. If I had to choose again I would do the same again - but as people have said would have been nowhere as passive and wouldn't have just knuckled under. The children came first, so I did the best by them I could in a shit situation.

For those who claim I was an active participant - fuck off. I was an active participant in the same way (to a much less serious extent) a hostage is an active participant "do what I want or I will wreak terrible consequences".

I do not resent my third child, they are blameless. I resent my wife and more importantly no longer trust her to act always in the best interests of the children ( when that ultimatum came about times were very tight, to the point where the added costs almost sunk us about 18 months in).

Anyway, thanks to all who took the time to reply. I have reached out to see into therapy

Oh and no I didn't just go along with the ultimatum, I resisted for a good couple of weeks until she started acting to move on it in earnest, it was at that point I caved. So I tried to call her bluff. Maybe she called mine?

Glad you’ve given a robust response to the posters who simply insist that the man must always be wrong, OP. Please don’t be passive through the divorce process though - make sure it’s a fair settlement so you can move forwards properly.

Good response op, glad you're seeking therapy. Please don't walk away with nothing. Seriously. You've every right to half and half won't leave your wife destitute if you've paid off a decent whack of mortgage. Fair is fair.

OP I hope the very best that can be for you and your family will be. You put your children first the best way you could at the time, that's all anyone can ask. I hope you now get some life for yourself.

Once trust has gone it has gone, best to make a clean break so you can both move on. Do treat yourself fairly in any split, the temptation is to just go and let everything else go, but you worked for it too.

I haven’t read all the messages OP but it sounds like people have been giving you a hard time. I don’t believe ultimatums are ever ok if you want a relationship based on mutual respect. I understand people have differences in what they want in life but I feel your wife’s decision was selfish. In healthy relationships you check in with each other to see if you’re still on the same page, this is especially important if one person is more dominant in character or more impulsive. I understand how badly a woman can long for a(nother) child but with that comes the responsibility to also care about their father.

@BlumminFreezin I agree with that - OP by all means separate purely on the basis you don’t feel the same about the relationship anymore- but I would leave the 3rd child thing out of it - it’s done and dusted and you could have spoken up a long time ago and said you needed more time for yourself regardless of how many hours you worked and that hard choices were going to have to be made to facilitate that - but you didn’t, so that ship has sailed. That doesn’t negate the fact though that somewhere along the line feelings have changed and you should split on that basis- leave the 3rd child out of any ‘post mortem ‘ -

Op, If I was in your position and forced to have a kid I didn't want then it would completely change my relationship and how I viewed that person. Good for you working to provide a solid background for all 3 kids despite that though.
If you do separate, as the kids are all now adults(?) do not even entertain letting your wife keep the house, you've both worked so it should be a 50/50 split on everything.

OP’s been pretty clear that it was his wife’s ultimatum that changed things. It’s not some nebulous grey area where things were okay really and he’s grasping at straws as to why he wants to leave. He’s been sore about it since it happened and nothing has changed that.

I’m not sure why so many posters feel his wife should be left wondering what went wrong when she thought things had been so good. Seems like the sort of thing that could leave someone wracked with doubt and confusion, wondering what really happened.

I definitely think you should separate and split things evenly & fairly.

But I still find it incredible that you would go along with having a child you say you didn't want and then live with that for 18 years, bubbling away with resentment.
It makes a mockery of your children's entire childhoods, especially the youngest one's.

You should have stood your ground and if you had split then you could have been an involved 50/50 father. Surely that would have been better than a lifetime of bitterness and resentment?

I think it's convenient to blame your wife for the unhappiness you now feel but you chose to have the child and you chose to stay.

It sounds like it's less about the third child, and more about this ongoing pattern of not feeling heard in your relationship.

I agree with all of this

Sone of the responses on here are very strange. Of course it’s more expensive to have a third DC. Few families I know have 3 and we were never interested in 3, but the ones we do know all had to buy bigger cars and spent significantly more on childcare, holidays, kids’ activities, tutoring, driving lessons, university etc. I quite understand the resentment that this has bred but you should have been clear with your wife a long time ago about this. You need to do it now though.

Why is it too late to reach out to friends or take up hobbies. Maybe if you did so you would focus less on your wife and this would help you work out your feelings for her and your marriage.
You’ve had your third DC, they are almost grown up now, I think you need to stop dwelling on this. Is your life or could your life be so different if you only had two grown up/nearly grown up DC instead of three?

OP you need to let go of this anger and resentment. It's hurting you, not it's intended target.

Whatever you do, please get some therapy for your own sake.

(Also, this thread should be brought up whenever anyone discusses issuing an ultimatum. This is a perfect example of why it is a royally bad idea!)

Take some responsibility for your life and your choices. Comparing yourself to a hostage is totally absurd.

Do you have a reason to be rewriting history at this point in your in your life? If you want to end the marriage, just do so. It is really not necessary to put all the 'blame' on your wife.

You had a choice to not have a 3rd child and you chose to have one. You could’ve said no to her ultimatum, you could have had a vasectomy instead. You could have put your foot down. But you didn’t. So, you can’t moan about it now. You could’ve changed to a different job. But you didn’t. You are your own man but you act like you had no choices when you did. Your choices were to do as you were told and you don’t like that but no-one held a gun to your head and made you do anything. Stop blaming your wife for everything you don’t like about the choices you made. I would suggest you go to couples therapy and get all this out in the open and sorted out.

This sounds tough but your mortgage being paid off before third child has reached adulthood doesn't correlate with having to work all the hours to get by. It does sound like there were other options.

Are we reading the same thread???