CPTSD and relationship

[Blueyrocks]

I'll start by saying I feel quite anxious about this, so please be gentle. It's been suggested by a therapist that I have CPTSD. My childhood could in some ways have had this effect, as it was quite frightening/ unstable/ volatile and some abuse. CPTSD does also explain a lot of things my partner and I have been struggling with, e.g. sometimes during an argument I will 'switch off', stop being able to speak in a genuine way, talk really robotically, move more slowly, get a bit glazed over/ glassy eyed. It sort of looks like 'silent treatment', but - I really hope I can be believed here - I absolutely do not intend to do it, I just switch into this state, and when it switches off again I sometimes can't really remember what's happened, what I've said etc. The therapist says this is 'dissociation'. I also self-harm regularly, every few days/ at least once a week, which my partner knows about but no one else.

All that is sort of the background, to show that I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I struggle with conflict, and have very unhealthy and probably frightening coping mechanisms - have had to go to hospital a few times due to self harm.

This is all extremely stressful and frustrating for my partner. However, he has increasingly started getting very angry in arguments: he broke the door to our bedroom when I'd retreated in there during an argument, and also kicked the bathroom door trying to break it open when I locked myself in there during another argument. He's called me a bitch and also a c*. He's said it's awful being with me, and he wants to separate - though after things have calmed down he says that he doesn't mean this.

My question is, how do we get out of this pattern? Does anyone have experience of CPTSD and a relationship where you don't end up afraid of your partner? I think, because fear was 'normal' for me, I think I'm provoking my partner until he behaves in the frightening way that I see as 'normal'. But now, I feel afraid all the time. And that's very frustrating for him, because these outbursts are absolutely not his normal at all. He's very kind and generous and we have a lot of fun together normally.

Please don't tell me to leave. I have no where else to go anyway, and he is a really good person. I won't be leaving him, so this response even though I appreciate it will be well-meant, just won't help me.

I think it's good that you are taking responsibility for your behaviours, even though they are not your fault. However I think you are taking too much responsibility for and are minimising your partner's behaviour. If he gets angry he needs to deal with those feelings without frightening you. If you walk away he needs to let you. If you provoke him he needs to find a way not to get hooked into that. If he wants to leave he can leave. You need to leave or seek help individually or as a couple for the unhealthy relationship, because your safety needs to be attended to first by you, there are services around called FearFree or similar who will work with both partners.

If you are going to stay with him He needs to educate himself about what is going on with you. Preferably by investing in some counselling for himself. Alternatively, there are stacks of resources online and library books available. Perhaps your counsellor could recommend some for him.

When he understands what is happening maybe he will stop trying to break through doors to get at you and calling you a bitch and a cunt. I hope so.

Thank you so much for replying. I looked at fearfree, and it's a service for men and LGBT+. Can I just ask, do you think my behaviour is abusive? And my partner should contact this service? I can see why it could be, as it's very upsetting and frightening for him. But I just want to make sure I understand- it's useful and important for me to hear if my behaviour has crossed the line into abuse.

He knows your issues. Your behaviour is not abusive it is how your health issues present/ symptoms. I appreciate some people go on the attack when they are afraid of something that is near to them but I don’t think they try to smash their way into a room to get to the person who has scared them. If he cannot be compassionate, he should leave you in peace and allow you to heal

@Lurkingandlearning thank you for replying. My partner has read some things about CPTSD, and I suppose I feel uncomfortable asking him to read up more as it's my behaviour that's the cause of the problems and I'm struggling to change. There are some things that help eg exercise but due to a very busy period of life it's been hard to find the time.

I would be heartbroken if he left me, to be honest. He isn't a scary person normally, just these outbursts under extreme stress,which have tainted how I feel overall, if that makes sense.

Please stop saying you are causing the problems. You are ill. If he cannot cope with you being ill, he should leave you to heal with the support of your therapist. Would you feel the same about a man getting angry with his partner because she had a physical disease or even something like a broken limb? You are not responsible for how he handles his emotions.

I don't have a therapist anymore as I can't afford it. I do understand what you're saying, but I suppose I mean that my symptoms are having a huge effect on him, and his reactions are making my symptoms worse so we're stuck in a cycle. Is there a way out that doesn't involve separating? Because that feels devastating to me, and he says he doesn't want that either.

Breaking down doors is abusive and it's absolutely classic. I work in housing and the broken doors happen in households with abuse. You want to stay, he will escalate. Especially as you say you have nowhere to go.

My advice is to work on having resources. So that you aren't stuck.

Thank you by the way for these replies, I really appreciate it!

Might be worth asking Gp for referral to a psychiatrist, as they are the only ones who can make a medical diagnosis.

@MrsTerryPratchett I can see why it looks that way but i know he's not trying to xlntryme or anything, it's just a reaction to extreme stress and frustration. I feel so upset that it sounds like abuse - not disagreeing wth you but I feel sad to have sort of put him in the situation where his behaviour looks so bad, as he really isn't like that. He wants good things for me and can be so kind and lovely to me and very supportive.

Trying to control me, that should say!

This is so sad to read OP.

I don't have CPTSD and never been in a abusive relationship but I'd be TERRIFIED if my partner was breaking doors down.

This is an angry and abusive man not a lovely man. A lovely man would calmly talk you down not get so angry he was breaking doors down.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Thank you @BrunetteBarbie94 this is a really kind message. I'm not in an abusive relationship, though I appreciate that some of his behaviour does look like that. He's really good to me usually, brings me coffee in bed, buys me flowers, says lovely things about me. It's very frustrating for him, when I dissociate as it's impossible for him to get through to me, and then when he gets angry I get more likely to dissociate, so things spiral from there. And when I'm in that state, all the other things fall to him - housework, childcare etc. And I don't know where to start to get out of the cycle.

Just to be clear, as well, that the breaking doors etc was when our children were at school/ nursery/ asleep. They're very young and haven't witnessed any of this.

Getting better with Cptsd, in a relationship, really requires the other person not to be emotionally dysregulated. They should be 'safe'. And he's not safe. You've not attacked him, not made unreasonable demands. You've gone quiet and frozen.

As for blaming yourself. Think about it this way, some people are incapable of that level of rage. You couldn't 'make' them express that level of anger unless you did something pretty extreme. And some people have no difficulty flying off the handle. Small things can set them off. Or particular triggers. He sounds like the latter.

I had an abusive childhood and like you, if I sense conflict, I appear to get calmer and calmer until I'm virtually monotone. I also forget things, cant form proper sentences. It just seems to hijack my ability to function

For sure you can help yourself by learning better coping strategies during conflict but you aren't actually with someone you can safely do that with...because he's escalating into unsafe territory

Everyone has heard of fight or flight but there is a third option, freeze. This is probably what you have learnt to do as a child. Not antagonise the situation and try and become invisible. You’ll stop doing it once you’re in a safe environment. Please get help before your children become aware of the situation and they grow up with CPTSD too.

@supercali77 Thank you for replying. I'm so sorry to hear you had an abusive childhood, but thank you for your understanding about what happens. That's exactly what it's like, I get what looks like really really calm and I feel completely deadened, and can't form sentences properly etc. exactly. And he definitely is the sort who can lose it, more than some other people, and gets dysregulates because of the stress that goes along with being in a relationship with me. So I suppose, I just want help to find a way to help him be someone I feel safe around, and at the same time help me be less difficult for him to be with?

@DwarfBeans do you mean I could give my children CPTSD? Because of the dissociation? Or the self harm? I would never self harm in front of them, and not in places of my body they're going to see. This is really scary for me to think I could harm them, I would never do the things to them that were done to me, and have worked really hard not to be like my parents, so I would be so grateful if you could please tell me what I'm doing that might give them CPTSD. Because I do know that it goes down generations but I thought that not repeating the abuse etc would protect them.

I have C-PTSD. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say you freeze in conflict. You know what my partner does when that happens? He gives me a hug.

It is not normal that your partner is calling you names and breaking down doors. You insist you are not in an abusive relationship but you are - and he’s the abuser.

In your posts, you take on all the responsibility for his abusive behaviour. This is very common in people who had abusive childhoods.

You are right that you are ‘repeating’ something from your childhood here but it is not what you think. You think you are provoking the abuse: you are not. The repetition is that you are staying in an environment that is abusive. In other words, leave.

@ByGreatDenimCat I'm so sorry to hear you have CPTSD but thank you for understanding. I can't bear to be touched when I'm in that state and so my partner has no options about how to help.

I do understand why you've said about abuse but he isn't at all doing this stuff to control me and it's not systematic or intentional and he apologises after, which is very different from my childhood. He just loses control of his behaviour and I do have to take some responsibility for that as it's very upsetting for him, for example if he's angry or stressed about work I can sometimes still dissociate, and then Im not able to be supportive or helpful and he can feel criticized.

I am really grateful for everyone replying, but I think I have misrepresented things as it's not abusive. He does have a tendency to get angry, but he apologises, and obviously the dissociation isn't dissimilar from stonewalling in effect, which is a form of abuse too, so in that respect I am being abusive to him. And from that perspective he is just defending/ sticking up for himself.

If someone is smashing a door to bits it’s abusive, even if they then apologise.

I think you do need to see your gp about the possible cptsd to try and access some proper help, and also look into support for dv.

@TiredArse he didn't smash it to bits, he just kicked it until the handle/ lock party broke the doorframe so it would open, if that makes sense. The door was in tact after, it just doesn't close now as the part that was in the doorframe is broken off. I don't know if that's a minor detail, but Idon't want or give the wrong impression about things

I’m not sure that’s any better?