CPTSD and relationship

[Blueyrocks]

I'll start by saying I feel quite anxious about this, so please be gentle. It's been suggested by a therapist that I have CPTSD. My childhood could in some ways have had this effect, as it was quite frightening/ unstable/ volatile and some abuse. CPTSD does also explain a lot of things my partner and I have been struggling with, e.g. sometimes during an argument I will 'switch off', stop being able to speak in a genuine way, talk really robotically, move more slowly, get a bit glazed over/ glassy eyed. It sort of looks like 'silent treatment', but - I really hope I can be believed here - I absolutely do not intend to do it, I just switch into this state, and when it switches off again I sometimes can't really remember what's happened, what I've said etc. The therapist says this is 'dissociation'. I also self-harm regularly, every few days/ at least once a week, which my partner knows about but no one else.

All that is sort of the background, to show that I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I struggle with conflict, and have very unhealthy and probably frightening coping mechanisms - have had to go to hospital a few times due to self harm.

This is all extremely stressful and frustrating for my partner. However, he has increasingly started getting very angry in arguments: he broke the door to our bedroom when I'd retreated in there during an argument, and also kicked the bathroom door trying to break it open when I locked myself in there during another argument. He's called me a bitch and also a c*. He's said it's awful being with me, and he wants to separate - though after things have calmed down he says that he doesn't mean this.

My question is, how do we get out of this pattern? Does anyone have experience of CPTSD and a relationship where you don't end up afraid of your partner? I think, because fear was 'normal' for me, I think I'm provoking my partner until he behaves in the frightening way that I see as 'normal'. But now, I feel afraid all the time. And that's very frustrating for him, because these outbursts are absolutely not his normal at all. He's very kind and generous and we have a lot of fun together normally.

Please don't tell me to leave. I have no where else to go anyway, and he is a really good person. I won't be leaving him, so this response even though I appreciate it will be well-meant, just won't help me.

Sorry it's a local to me service I think.

You need to discuss a plan, your triggers and behaviours and your safety. If he's breaking the door open in anger that's not good. If you are threatening to hurt yourself that's not good (not your fault, but you need better ways to communicate and get your needs met). Talk to each other with cool heads about how to deal with crises and how to not hook each other in to conflict. Get some help.

I have CPTSD from CSA and also suffer with hypervigilance, dissociation and gaps in memory when I am in overwhelming situations. I have just completed over two years of counseling with a therapist that specialized in trauma. My weekly keep well routine involves exercise, mindfulness, journalling and sleep meditation too.

You are not causing this person to react in an aggressive manner, you are not responsible for managing their moods, you are not in charge of handling their emotions. They are responsible for all that, you might not be ready to admit it yet but this person is abusive.

You are solely responsible for your own healing, you won't get the peace and safety you need to heal in this relationship. You are also responsible for protecting your children, they will not have a safe childhood in this environment and will have their own struggles as a result of being brought up in this home.

Please read up on the cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement (this is his kick in the door/apologize routine to keep you in the relationship)

Thank you @GreyAreas this is really helpful. I feel quite lost at the moment re triggers etc, like it's starting to happen almost randomly at the moment. And the self harm is so frequent recently that if I go into the bathroom when I'm upset , even just t get away or whatever, he's afraid that's what I'm doing. I don't mean it as a threat but that could absolutely be how he experiences it.

@Dontbeme I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences. I find mindfulness (as in meditation?) painfully stressful,like as if I need to scream from fear or something, and haven't been able to "push through" this to the promised land of finding it calming! But exercise does really help, and I used to keep a journal too so I will start that again. Thank you. And you're absolutely right that this environment won't be good as our children get older and more aware of things. I do recognize that the relationship isn't uniformly helping me at the moment but he is very understanding I'm general and it was him who helped me see some of my childhood experiences as abusive. So I do really think that the relationship can be where I am safe, even though it currently doesn't feel safe.

Your partner is abusive. You do need to leave, but if you truly won’t, then he needs to stop abusing you.

My Dh had an unstable childhood with alcoholic parents and lost his dad young to drink. I would say I recognise some of the behaviours you describe in yourself. It’s the freeze/fawn response, which can also lead to dissociation. Very common in people who have experienced childhood trauma. It’s annoying, yes, and I’ll admit I am guilty of continuing to talk at him when he shuts down because I am a very direct person.

But I’ve never kicked a door down. I’ve never chased him to a room he was hiding in. Because I’m not abusive. Normal healthy non-abusive people can be annoyed by other people’s coping mechanisms, but they don’t scare them or threaten them or hurt them, only abusive people do that, which probably seems very normal to you because it’s what you know. It’s no way to live though.

Thank you for replying @mindutopiaI'm sorry that your husband has had that experience too. I really do recognize why people are saying that my partner is abusive but this is not normal behavior from him, and he doesn't eg control access to money or stop me seeing friends or anything like that at all. He has been very stressed recently and also sleep deprived.

I just would like some idea on how we can de-escalate things, as what's happening is I dissociate at any hint of anger from him (even if he's not actually angry, if he's just stressed or whatever) and that has a triggering effect on him, making him angry and defensive, which means I'm more likely to dissociate again next time . Do you and your husband have strategies for dealing with eg an argument or with stress that don't make him dissociate? It would be so helpful if you could share them?

Hi OP

I'm sorry to hear you had a traumatic childhood and have been experiencing C-PTSD and self harm.

I hope that the therapy you are having is helping you to work through this and that a day will come soon where you are no longer in a place where you are hurting yourself.

Your partner's behaviour is abusive and there is no excuse for abusive behaviour. No matter how you feel about yourself, you do not deserve to be abused. No one does. He is an adult and is responsible for his own behaviour. If he is unhappy in the relationship his option is to walk away - continuing abusive behaviour is a choice he has made.

You deserve compassion and a supportive safe environment where you can focus on yourself and work on healing your trauma. This man is not it.

I hope you can find some support irl to leave safely and start living the life you deserve. You deserve so much better than this ❤️

You probably need to make a plan of what you are going to do when you dissociated. For example, when it happens you will go into the bedroom and shut the door to indicate that you need some time alone. When you do this, he needs to agree that he will leave you alone until you come out of the bedroom. You can both have some time to calm down and for you to regulate your feelings.
You cannot change how you react to his anger as it is part of your learnt trauma response. He can change how he reacts, unless he has CPTSD too.

That said, I agree with others who have pointed out that you are not responsible for his behaviour and he does sound abusive. He is using your trauma response as an excuse for behaving like he does. Kicking in a door is extremely aggressive. Who kicks in a door when they can see their partner is upset?

It seems you have decided that you won't leave him so I presume you feel that this is the type of relationship you deserve

@YipYapYop thank you for this kind response. He really isn't abusive, and I'm so sad that so many of the repies have taken that from what I said, as I've just said the worst things but not represented him fairly or in a balanced way at all. We've been together for a very long time and he's never hit me or stopped me spending money or seeing friends or anything at all like that. He's been very supportive of me in so many ways and we have a lot of fun together normally.

Irl, I would never tell anyone about all of this, in case they also thought it was abuse. He would feel so betrayed.

But I really appreciate the time you have taken to reply online. I really do think my partner is the right man for me, and he can be so supportive and kind, we just need the right strategies for working together when things are difficult.

@OnaMatUpHere thank you, this is such a helpful suggestion. One of the difficulties is that neither of us is good at recognizing when I'm slipping into the dissociative state until it's kind of beyond turning around, by which time he can be beside himself with frustration, and maybe not really able to eg let me go and hide (also maybe afraid I'll be self harming?)

But that's something we can work on, and you're right that an agreed plan for when it might be happening is a really good place to start. Thank you.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

This book might help?

@Allthesnowallthetime thank you for this suggestion, I will buy this!

This is an incredible book. I recommend it so much, you will fly through it and learn so much.

What my bones know by Stephanie Foo

www.amazon.co.uk/Audible-What-My-Bones-Know/dp/B09ZVL68PG/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1L20OVUQM759D&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.vRt0o_mYcQF6mT6M7FH40kTXxAy_zkA2dRq_7AkmTkGR2xOw0vMjbnh--7zsePtwMwTeu8pbH6uuD4BfzBLfUcpYxIN7cd0Mrb8Z6FzlKtw.-kodtDSLQWDX3T8iTjCUsbTacUr4LzItYj91XnGtwFc&dib_tag=se&keywords=what+my+bones+know+stephanie+foo&qid=1742421911&sprefix=stephanie+foo%2Caps%2C89&sr=8-1

@Liftmyselfupagain thank you, I will buy this as well!

Sorry OP if my post upset you. It's a bit hard for me to tell the difference between what you've said your partner has done in anger and what he has done when he thought you were at risk?

When he broke the door down was that him being angry or him thinking you were harming yourself and trying to get to you?

I think if it's more of the latter and he was trying to help rather than being angry then maybe what you need is something like a crisis plan or safety plan for any moments where you or he become triggered. Possibly something your therapist could help with?

When I first read your post I thought he was doing this in anger but I'm not sure if I have understood correctly or not

@YipYapYop thank you for replying. The door things were in anger unfortunately. I can't really remember what happened those times except that they were times he kind of blew a fuse if that makes sense. He generally doesn't try to stop me self harming.

I think the reason we are seeing the door thing as abuse and not just checking up on you is because you said he calls you a bitch and a cu*t. I know he hasn’t hit you yet but that doesn’t mean it won’t escalate. You were a victim when you were too young to fight for yourself. You deserve better now.

@Blueyrocks how old are the children? You said he sometimes gets angry when the children are asleep but I wouldn’t assume your children aren’t aware. You do need to try and resolve the situation so your children won’t be affected by his anger. You and I both know how scary it is for children to be around unpredictable and uncontrollable anger 💐

Thank you for replying @DwarfBeans You're right that he wasn't checking on me when he broke the bedroom door - it doesn't lock anyway, so he could have just opened it to check on me - and when he tried to break the bathroom door he wasn't checking on me either. He was just very angry. It was scary and I do recognise that it's not ok for him to behave like that, but I don't think it's abuse because it's not a pattern for him, just a few isolated times when he's been very angry.

Our children are 6,4 and 2. You're absolutely right that this will be scary for them if/ when they become aware of it, and I do want to resolve it for their sakes. I would be absolutely devastated for them to grow up scared in their own home. His anger isn't directed at them, just me, and he's never exploded so badly when they're at home/ awake.

I'm so grateful for everyone taking the time to talk through this with me, as I can't talk to anyone in real life about this. I do recognise that pretty much all of you have said it's abusive, and that I don't seem to be taking that on board. I will reflect on this, but if you knew him you would probably see that that's not what's happening. He is a good person, and he'd not controlling or anything - he works so hard to support us all (I work, but part time and earn less than half what he does, so it barely covers our childcare costs). And he's been very supportive for me to work part time, or even be a SAHM if I want, though I've chosen not to do that. He does a lot of the night time wakes for our 2yo, and often takes all three kids out for a few hours by himself at the weekend.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD. I am hyper vigilant and at the first sign of a disagreement I freeze.
When I was really bad I would go into our spare room, unable to speak. And I mean I could stay in there for a couple of days.
I got trauma therapy including EMDR which has helped so much.
My OH didn’t cope so well either. But we have worked in ways together and he has taken on board his reactions.
Because making you feel under threat when you already feel threatened will not help you.
We now have a series of words we work on.
I am able to say…. I just need half an hour of space. And I have a toolkit I worked on that helps - a half our comedy show, a podcast, music that I like.
My OH will go and do something else for the same time. He used to respond to my silence as stonewalling and rejection.
Now I might not be able to say much more, but the agreed time apart for emotions to settle helps.
Then I might say - can we talk tomorrow? Could we go out and do something else now? Even if we go out, go to the park, buy a coffee and don’t say much, it calms it all down.
Having EMDR helped me so much. It changed my life. I did wait a long time for it, but it was worth the wait.
Your husband also needs to seek treatment because his anger is damaging to you. And as your children get older you don’t want them left with the same issues you have.

Sorry I missed the name calling. I am really sorry OP but that isn’t a response to you freezing, it’s absolute verbal abuse.
I am so sorry.
It is absolutely vile.

C-PTSD is awful. 💐

The first question is what hell are you getting? Are you getting any trauma counselling, CBT, etc? That might help with the dissociation and self-harm.

Lookomg at this as objectively as possible, I’m still struggling to see your DP’s behaviour as understandable. If he broke down the bathroom door because he believes you were inside self-harming and might die, I might be more inclined to excuse it. But that’s not what happened is it. You removed yourself from an argument, which is absolutely your right, regardless of any mental health condition. It may be frustrating for him but when that happens but actually he’s the one with the problem if he follows you, not you. If you refuse to talk when you’ve both calmed down that’s another issue, but anyone has the right to leave an argument. The question is gently ask you is why you feel the need to leave. Is it triggering because you feel threatened/scared? If so, that should tell you sepmthing about how close his behaviour is to what you experienced in your childhood. I’ve been through an abusive relationship (he tried to strangle me in the end) so I understand. But I’m now remarried to a man that I rarely argue with but when I do he never, ever makes me feel scared. Your DP is also calling you vile names, which is another red flag. Don’t be fooled by the fact he can be lively a lot if the time. It’s very typical of abusers and part of the reason people find it so hard to leave. My X could be wonderful, too. Still tried to strangle me though. And provocation is not an excuse either. It’s great that you have that insight into your own behaviour (another reason why I think he may be more of the problem than you think), but no matter how awful you are it doesn’t excuse physical violence. Doors (and walls) so, so often precede first a push, then a grab, then a shake, then a slap, then a punch - and so the line moves, each time followed by how your behaviour ‘provoked him’, then a grovelling apology (once you’re convinced you were at least partly responsible), then a honeymoon period where you’re wooed back in to feeling like you’re in the perfect relationship. It’s a well-work cycle.

You’re not ready to leave and that’s ok. While those of us with experience think it’s the best thing to do and the sooner the better, It’s a very difficult thing to do and I understand that. There are a lot of very scary barriers in your way, such as where you’d live, how you’d support yourself, how you’d cope emotionally and practically, not wanting to hurt him, etc. Knowledge is power here. The fear of the unknown is often worse than actually navigating it.

I would start by making sure you’re getting all the help for your CPTSD you can. I’d also start reading more about abusive relationships. Make sure you hide this from your partner though as it could escalate things. If you then start to recognise leaving might be the healthier option, there is support to help you overcome the barriers in your way but one step at a time. Seeking trauma support and reading about abuse is not a commitment to leaving, so there’s no pressure on you.

What is your definition of abuse?.

His actions towards you are not loving ones and your boundaries, already skewed markedly by your abusive and otherwise traumatic childhood, are being further done in by this man now. Its no surprise that you've gone onto develop CPTSD.

If he loved you he would not do all these things to you in your home. There would be no breaking of various doors, no calling you bitch etc. He targeted you deliberately to further exploit and demean you by wanting power and control over you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship, any relationship, is NONE.

Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice.nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. All this breaking of doors followed by making you a cup of tea or bringing you apology flowers (this is no apology really from him) is all a part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. Are all these children your partner's kids?. He is abusing them too in turn, they are certainly receiving mixed messages from him.

Sound travels too, you cannot assume your children do not know something is amiss. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you two.

You are wise indeed to keep your part time job and if you are able both physically and mentally to up your hours in the medium to long term I would do this as well.

Abuse though thrives on secrecy and you need to bust this wide open. Would you be willing her to have a chat with Women's Aid to talk this through with them?.

@PeggyMitchellsCameo Thank you for replying. I'm sorry you have CPTSD as well. I have had EMDR, though this was to help me with relationships in my birth family that I have to maintain but was becoming dissociated almost permanently in, and it made a huge difference to that, so I can visit my birth family now without spacing out, slurred speech etc!

I'm sorry that your partner has struggled too, but thank you for sharing this and also for sharing some of the strategies you use. This is really helpful.

I think my partner and I need a plan for when things are drifting towards dissociation (me) and angry outburst (him), and then a toolkit like what you have that I can use to re-regulate. This is something I will think about, what it would look like for me, and I'll talk to my partner about the plan for when we're getting into dangerous territory again.

Re. the name calling, I do understand what it looks like, but he just lashes out under extreme stress, it's his way of coping, like a way to let off steam. It does make me sad, but it's not like a regular thing.