CPTSD and relationship

[Blueyrocks]

I'll start by saying I feel quite anxious about this, so please be gentle. It's been suggested by a therapist that I have CPTSD. My childhood could in some ways have had this effect, as it was quite frightening/ unstable/ volatile and some abuse. CPTSD does also explain a lot of things my partner and I have been struggling with, e.g. sometimes during an argument I will 'switch off', stop being able to speak in a genuine way, talk really robotically, move more slowly, get a bit glazed over/ glassy eyed. It sort of looks like 'silent treatment', but - I really hope I can be believed here - I absolutely do not intend to do it, I just switch into this state, and when it switches off again I sometimes can't really remember what's happened, what I've said etc. The therapist says this is 'dissociation'. I also self-harm regularly, every few days/ at least once a week, which my partner knows about but no one else.

All that is sort of the background, to show that I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I struggle with conflict, and have very unhealthy and probably frightening coping mechanisms - have had to go to hospital a few times due to self harm.

This is all extremely stressful and frustrating for my partner. However, he has increasingly started getting very angry in arguments: he broke the door to our bedroom when I'd retreated in there during an argument, and also kicked the bathroom door trying to break it open when I locked myself in there during another argument. He's called me a bitch and also a c*. He's said it's awful being with me, and he wants to separate - though after things have calmed down he says that he doesn't mean this.

My question is, how do we get out of this pattern? Does anyone have experience of CPTSD and a relationship where you don't end up afraid of your partner? I think, because fear was 'normal' for me, I think I'm provoking my partner until he behaves in the frightening way that I see as 'normal'. But now, I feel afraid all the time. And that's very frustrating for him, because these outbursts are absolutely not his normal at all. He's very kind and generous and we have a lot of fun together normally.

Please don't tell me to leave. I have no where else to go anyway, and he is a really good person. I won't be leaving him, so this response even though I appreciate it will be well-meant, just won't help me.

@Resilience thank you for replying. I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences. I'm not currently getting any help/ counselling as I can't afford it. I have had EMDR in the past, and therapy, which have been really helpful in so many ways, but the current dynamics in my relationship are I think undoing some of the progress I've made, which is why I'm looking for strategies to help my partner and I have a healthier way of dealing with conflict.

You're right that some of his behaviour is similar to what I experienced in childhood, and that does make me really sad. But my birth family is very volatile, violent/ addict/ neglectful behaviour is normalised, and he's from a lovely, healthy, normal family. These outbursts are aberrations for him, and not like part of an abusive picture or like an escalating problem or anything. He knows what normal looks like, it's just that things are extremely stressful sometimes.

The breaking doors and the name calling is I think sort of protective too, like a way of diffusing anger. He wouldn't ever hit me, which I'm sure lots of women say, but he hasn't ever hit me or hit anyone else, and we've been together a long time. I am completely certain he wouldn't ever do this. Even things like pushing/ grabbing etc has only happened two or three times in our very long relationship, in very exceptional and stressful situations, and he has never ever tried to hurt me or anything. If that was going to happen it would have happened by now. I do feel very sure about this.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you for replying. All the children are my partner's and mine, yes, and they love him so much. I feel very sad that you think his behaviour suggests he doesn't love me. He says that he does, and does show it in so many ways, and I feel anxious about not being loved by him because this was something with my birth family. But it is something to think about, and I will look at women's aid things online and think about all this more.

I will consider what everyone's saying about abuse, and read up more about this. But in our case, I think that even if some of what's happening tips into that, it's a very rare occurrence and not escalating or anything, and I think that he and I will be able to develop some strategies so that these things don't keep happening.

I know lots of you have also got CPTSD, and I'm so grateful that you've shared some experiences and strategies. What I'm thinking I'll start with is:

• talking to my partner about the problem when we're both feeling calm and have the time to talk properly. The problem, i Think, is basically: - me dissociating more frequently, which is frustrating for him, which can make him angry so I'm more likely to dissociate and we end up in this negative feedback loop
• how we can recognise when this is starting to happen
• what we can do when we recognise this: me going somewhere safe eg bedroom with a toolkit of things that will help me. I'm not sure what this would look like, maybe music
• what I can do that's not provoking for him, eg he doesn't like if I seem to be criticising him so I need to find a way of saying I'm going to somewhere 'safe' without that sounding like I'm saying he's not a safe place
• how he can find less scary outlets for his anger, eg mindful breathing, which has been helpful for him in the past
• find a way of communicating if I'm still not ready to continue the conversation after an agreed amount of time.

Does that sound like an ok starting point to try to get out of this negative cycle we're in?

I found watching this really helped me.

@Blueyrocks what was your reaction to him breaking the door? Did you tell him that if he ever does that again you’ll leave? Abuse does slowly get worse even after many years. And when there’s no consequences they get more confident to carry on, especially if they think you will keep it a secret.

do you get on well with your in laws? How would they react if they knew he was doing this?

Your freezing behaviour is trying to keep you safe. It’s not at fault, it’s a reaction to something you are subconsciously picking up on.

You should go to a psychiatrist and see about a proper diagnosis for cPTSD. Your therapist should have pushed you to get a diagnosis, as it's not their place to do so.

A psych will be able to refer you for further EMDR etc as they think necessary.

Your husband should get some help for his anger issues.

It doesn't matter that it's only occasionally, or that he doesn't do X, Y, Z behaviours that you think means it's not abusive.

What happens when your kids get older and they're stressing him out and pushing his buttons? Will he be verbally abusive to them and scare them by trying to break down their bedroom doors?

Would you think that was okay?

Or that it was okay to push/grab them if it was only a couple of times?

If you wouldn't find it acceptable yo happen to your kids then you need to stop minimise the behaviour happening to you.

You never know when something might happen in your lives that pushes him into being more stressed for more of the time. If this is how he copes with that, and he gets no help to change things, then you're all at risk.

Abusers are lovely people in many respects, or they wouldn't have families.

@DwarfBeans I didn't react, I just froze over. Tbh I felt as if I was so spaced out I was going to lose consciousness, and I don't remember what happened once he came into the bedroom. But probably he shouted at me bit and then left me alone? I don't really know. And the bathroom same thing, I got v spaced out, can't really remember what happened though I know he didn't get into the bathroom. I didn't say I'd leave or anything, as that wouldn't be true. Once things were calm again, I did say it was very frightening for me, and he was sorry both times.

I get on well with my in-laws. I think they would definitely want to find ways to support him if they heard about this (which they never would, I wouldn't ever tell them as my partner would be devastated and so would his parents). But they'd look for how to help him with his anger I think. And they'd agree that he's not abusive or I'm not in danger or anything.

@EnjoyingTheArmoire Im not sure how I'd get a proper diagnosis, but this is maybe something I could speak to my GP about. I am a bit reluctant to do that as we've just moved to a new place and new GP and I'd like to be "normal" here if that makes sense? But that's probably silly and counterproductive.

You're right that I would be so upset and even angry if he did these things to our children. I really can't imagine that he eve would as he doesn't do it to anyone else. It's something about our relationship, not him in himself, that produces this stuff. But I hope that if he ever did break their bedroom doors or call them bad names or stuff like that that I'd ask him to leave, or I would leave with our children. It's a very scary and upsetting thought though.

Their loyalty though is to him and they do not live with him now. You do however. There is also a fine between support and enabling and I dare say his parents just enable him.

He does not have an anger management problem because he is able to control himself around others in the outside world. His anger is reserved for you and your home. Am courses as well are no answer to domestic violence.

He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his behaviour. Sadly I feel this is yet another abusive relationship you are in and therefore it should be over. Your own chaotic childhood has indeed played a huge part in you actually being with this man now.

My post refers to his parents re they.

Op I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time I have CPTSD from CSA in my childhood and this has had an impact on quite a few of my relationships since my teens right up until my late 20s.

I underwent years of intensive therapy and still have occasional counselling every so often when I needed.

You say you are not in an abusive relationship,but breaking doors not being supportive of your condition is not fitting what a good person is this behaviour will only make your condition worse.

Please speak to your GP and see if they can refer you to therapy or counselling

It absolutely IS abusive, you just can't see it because you have skewed boundaries due to your childhood. All of the below is not OK, not ever OP. Would you do these things to him? Do you think it's an acceptable way to behave?

he broke the door to our bedroom when I'd retreated in there during an argument, and also kicked the bathroom door trying to break it open when I locked myself in there during another argument. He's called me a bitch and also a c*. He's said it's awful being with me, and he wants to separate - though after things have calmed down he says that he doesn't mean this

@AttilaTheMeerkat I think you're right that my childhood has played a part in my being with my partner now, but I think that's ok, because he is different from my birth family in a lot of important ways as well, and the anger is something I'm used to so it doesn't necessarily feel so bad to me as it might to someone who had a calmer childhood home?

@Blueeyedmale I think you're right that his behaviour sometimes can make the CPTSD worse, which is sad because I think I overall am/ was making progress.

I think my two responses here kind of contradict each other a bit, but they both sort of make sense to me. Like, I'm used to anger and have (unhealthy) ways of coping with it, which can help me and my partner through this difficult patch until he's less stressed, that's sort of what I mean.

@Naunet I know these things are not ok. I feel so sad that they happened and I wish they hadn't, and so does he. I wouldn't behave like that, though I have other ways of dealing with negative emotions that are very, very challenging for him like dissociating and self harm. I just think that our relationship overall is good, and that I can't let these isolated things taint the whole picture.

Blueyrocks

re your comment
"I think you're right that my childhood has played a part in my being with my partner now, but I think that's ok, because he is different from my birth family in a lot of important ways as well, and the anger is something I'm used to so it doesn't necessarily feel so bad to me as it might to someone who had a calmer childhood home?"

What happened to you in childhood was appallingly bad and not at all your fault. Abuse is no respecter of class or creed and people are sent to prison for abuse. Your blueprint for relationships as an adult was what your parents showed you and it is and remains deeply flawed and damaged. No-one ever bothered with you to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you are with your very own Mr Wrong now. I maintain he saw your innate vulnerabilities and targeted you accordingly.

You may well want to contact NAPAC re your childhood; their services are free and confidential. I have put a link to them here for you

https://napac.org.uk

I sincerely hope you have no contact with either parent these days. No child now adult should get used to anger within their home and you did not cause him either to become angry. He is angry because he is abusive. Not because he is angry.

But now your children are growing up seeing busted down doors and your unspoken reactions to this even if they were not thankfully present when he did that. This is domestic violence you are describing here and what you are seeing now from him is yet another version of the familiar abuse you grew up with.

It's not your fault your parents let you down so abjectly but now your partner is doing the same. This is all on them the perpetrators of the abuse; you have never driven him directly to abuse you. That is his entire responsibility.

Again your boundaries here have been skewed by previous abuse and poor life experiences and it's no coincidence you are with this man currently. He sought you out deliberately to use and otherwise exploit for his own ends now; he wants power and control over you and power and control lies at the heart of abuse. I would also think your day to day life would be a lot calmer without him in it; he needs you far more than you actually need him.

I think the most important problem at the moment is the self-harming OP. The breaking down the door and shouting etc, how your partner is dealing with you isn’t good obviously, but if you are self harming every few days that’s a lot and I think it might get even worse with time. I think speak to your GP about it. I know it won’t be easy but hopefully you can get further therapy that way. If down the line you need to separate that’s a different issue. Right now you need to get healthy mentally.

If he really did think it was awful to be with you then why has he not separated from you?. It's because he does not want to because he would then have to find another stupid woman (he thinks all women are stupid) to take him on. He likes having you around doing practically everything to do with the house and kids whilst he lords it over you breaking your things and terrorising you. Note he does not ever break "his" possessions nor does he break doors in his workplace or does this to shopfront doors. It is for you this is aimed at and such men too hate women, ALL of them. It's a small step between breaking a door and breaking you physically. He's done a further job of breaking you down emotionally; a process that began when you were first abused.

He is lying to you through his very teeth; he is with you because your boundaries are shot because of past abuse and leading on from this he finds it very easy to abuse you. You really do not know which way is up and that suits him too. You are way too good for him and you are worth more than he. He knows that too but wants to keep you down deliberately.

So what help is he getting to learn to control his temper? If he feels so bad about it, he'd be looking to change. You have trauma and are responding based on that, he's just being angry and intimidating through frustration and choice, do you see the difference?

@WakingUpToReality I agree that the self harm is a big problem at the moment. In the past six months it's become much, much more frequent and less superficial than it was ordinarily. I'm kind of worried about going to the GP about this as I don't know what I could do instead? I've done this for most of my life so don't really want to stop? Which feels awful to admit, but...

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for the link to napac, I will definitely have a look at that. My partner doesn't think all women are stupid, he is such a kind, attentive person and he does a lot of the childcare at the weekend as well as working full time during the week.

Contact with my birth family is limited. My dad died of complications from his addictions years ago. My mum I see occasionally, and emdr has helped me feel safe doing this. The others in my family are less damaging to me although they have similar dynamics/ issues. Because addictions, violence etc is in my whole family for generations it was my partner who helped me see that all this isn't normal.

@Naunet he does try eg to meditate and also do sports which both help a lot but we've not had a lot of time recently so these things have sort of fallen out of his routine. But he does try, as he doesn't like to lose his temper like that at all. I don't think it's a choice for him, I think we've both not prioritized our healthy coping mechanisms enough and things have deteriorated as a result. But that's something to add to the plan, that he has time to meditate and do sports regularly, and I do some of the exercise that helps me regularly as well. And I need to find other things as well .

There is this NHS page on self-harm, do you think any of their links would help? www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/self-harm/getting-help/ I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling with it. About whether or not your partner is truly abusive, I think it’s hard to say because we don’t know the whole story, although he shouldn’t use that language and definitely isn’t coping well with his anger and frustration. I tend to think if there is underlying selfishness, self absorption, and entitlement those are big signs of an abusive mentality. Sometimes it takes a while to see it, took me years to see it in my ex.

Hello lovely. You’ve done great reaching out today and so much wisdom and advice here. I came to also recommend the book by Pete Walker, and his flashback management technique that is excellent in helping to regulate your emotions when triggered.

I have a question, what does your partner think about how he’s behaved towards you? I know you’ve said he apologises, but where does he stand in terms of responsibility/accountability for losing his temper? Has he said why? I ask as it sounds very much like he has an issue regulating his emotions also, almost like he’s triggered by you being triggered into disassociation/shutdown, if that makes sense? Then it escalates to an ugly point that won’t be helping you at all.

You can’t take all the responsibility for fixing this. He will need to be a willing and active participant moving forwards and that will start with him trying to understand his own behaviour, much the way you are by reaching out here today.

If he’s not willing to look into his behaviour in this way, then I’m afraid you’ll never be in a safe enough place with a safe enough person to heal. I hope he can acknowledged his share of the responsibility as you won’t be moving forward without it.

Flashback management here for you, and lots of gentle hugs from me.

I have CPTSD. I understand how complicated it is and how much it can make normal life extremely difficult to bear. And that is without an abusive partner or children. OP, I say this with the best intentions. This is an abusive relationship, and it will hurt your children as well as you. A relationship like does not need to be fixed and your trying to do so is a trauma response! The only way to fix it, is to leave it.

Please feel free to message me if you’re interested in healing pathways. I’ve had a lot a therapy over the years and maybe I can help to share what is out there as it’s a bloody minefield!

@WakingUpToReality thank you for this link. I will think about talking to a gp about the self harm though I have a history of anorexia which I'd be afraid would come back if I stopped cutting myself. But the gp probably could advise on that too