CPTSD and relationship

[Blueyrocks]

I'll start by saying I feel quite anxious about this, so please be gentle. It's been suggested by a therapist that I have CPTSD. My childhood could in some ways have had this effect, as it was quite frightening/ unstable/ volatile and some abuse. CPTSD does also explain a lot of things my partner and I have been struggling with, e.g. sometimes during an argument I will 'switch off', stop being able to speak in a genuine way, talk really robotically, move more slowly, get a bit glazed over/ glassy eyed. It sort of looks like 'silent treatment', but - I really hope I can be believed here - I absolutely do not intend to do it, I just switch into this state, and when it switches off again I sometimes can't really remember what's happened, what I've said etc. The therapist says this is 'dissociation'. I also self-harm regularly, every few days/ at least once a week, which my partner knows about but no one else.

All that is sort of the background, to show that I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I struggle with conflict, and have very unhealthy and probably frightening coping mechanisms - have had to go to hospital a few times due to self harm.

This is all extremely stressful and frustrating for my partner. However, he has increasingly started getting very angry in arguments: he broke the door to our bedroom when I'd retreated in there during an argument, and also kicked the bathroom door trying to break it open when I locked myself in there during another argument. He's called me a bitch and also a c*. He's said it's awful being with me, and he wants to separate - though after things have calmed down he says that he doesn't mean this.

My question is, how do we get out of this pattern? Does anyone have experience of CPTSD and a relationship where you don't end up afraid of your partner? I think, because fear was 'normal' for me, I think I'm provoking my partner until he behaves in the frightening way that I see as 'normal'. But now, I feel afraid all the time. And that's very frustrating for him, because these outbursts are absolutely not his normal at all. He's very kind and generous and we have a lot of fun together normally.

Please don't tell me to leave. I have no where else to go anyway, and he is a really good person. I won't be leaving him, so this response even though I appreciate it will be well-meant, just won't help me.

@WakingUpToReality I wouldn't say he's entitled or anything generally. He wants the best for me. Not an abusive mindset at all, I wouldn't say.

@FlyingUnicornWings thanks for this lovely reply. He can be a bit defensive like 'why did you say that, you should know it would make me angry', which I know isn't good. But he definitely does want this to stop and he doesn't want to lose his temper like that with me or definitely never our children. And he's open to a conversation about strategies to manage conflict, and couples counseling too if we think it's necessary.

Thank you so much for the flashback coping mechanisms list, I feel quite emotional reading it. And it's given me some really helpful ideas for what to do if I get spaced out again. I will also show the list to my partner as I'm sure he will want to support me to do these things.

You have NEVER driven him into abusing you or otherwise damaging both your bedroom and bathroom doors . He damaging doors like he has done here is domestic violence no two ways about it.

Never undergo couples counselling with him. It is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse is not a relationship issue either and you have described domestic violence within your home. it is also not about communication or a perceived lack of either, abuse is about power and control.

No, that’s not good at all. He’s blaming you for how he’s reacting. Please understand that is an abusive behaviour also.

The healthy response should be “I’m sorry I lost my temper, it was my fault and I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I will do my best to reflect on my behaviour so it won’t happen again”.

Your trauma is what’s telling you that his behaviour is ok, because it’s all you’ve ever known but you are worth the healthy response. You are, I promise. You deserve love and safety. Not name calling, door thrashing and blame being projected back on you.

Ah, it is not just your behaviour that is problematic. No matter how difficult it is to deal with your cptsd, it is not ok for him to become abusive, threatening, name calling, smashing things. That is a him problem. You do not deserve this and it is not helping with your trauma at all.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Can i ask why couples therapy wouldn't be a good idea? I hope it would help us find better ways of communicating and understanding how the other is feeling.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it is about power and control. He indicates his moods and displeasure all too well to you which involves him damaging doors in your home. He knows how you feel and he does not care, his apologies are meaningless and he thinks he can buy you off with some apology.

It’s but a short step from that into potentially physically harming you, he’s showing you that after the door you are next, this is what I could do to you.

@Snugglemonkey thanks for replying. You're right, the stuff when he's angry is definitely undoing some of the progress I've made with things. I have got some really helpful ideas for how we can get out of the bad cycle we're in, And also will read the things that people have recommended to find ways to feel less spaced out etc. I think he probably knows he shouldn't do those things, but we can work on things that will help us.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for these replies. I really appreciate that you think I might not be safe and are trying to get me to see that, but I think if you knew him you would see that he wouldn't ever physically hurt me. He doesn't try to control me or anything like that, and has never hit anyone.