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Original poster

Boyfriend refusing STI test

110 replies

ColdSpring25 · 18/03/2025 21:22

Been together 4 years, found out he was dating apps at the end and ended it. He’s now started communication again and I told him that it will alleviate a lot of my anxiety if he would do an STI test (he does not use condoms). I’ve just done one which came back clear. I told him that I could buy him a home kit and that I can’t consider sex without it, but He is adamant he’s not doing one and said to stop bullying him into something he doesn’t want to do. 1. I don’t understand his reluctance? 2. I can’t bring myself to be intimate with him without it, so what’s the point of reconciliation? I’m conflicted because I adored this man and thought he was the one I was going to spend my life with.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 19/03/2025 10:36

He's not old fashioned. He's stupid or infected with something or doesn't care and he's trying to bullshit you some more.

Safe sex practices have been around since the 1980s. He would have grown up using condoms and with getting tests. I thought this idiot was young and reckless and he's 50!.

Not a keeper.

ClaredeBear · 19/03/2025 10:42

Guy’s an idiot with or without a test. Do yourself a favour and stop wasting your very precious time and energy.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 19/03/2025 10:44

Someone with such contempt for your body does not deserve to kiss your feet, let alone have sex with you.

Dump his sorry ass.

treesandsun · 19/03/2025 10:48

Why do you want to get back with someone who cheated on you? Even if he agreed to take the test and was clear? Whilst you thought he was the one - he was out looking for someone or many someone elses? Whilst I do not necessarily believe once a cheater always a cheater you forgive someone who has gone out of his way to deceive you on apps and also had unprotected text - he will not be grateful for the forgiveness but will do it again and again.

treesandsun · 19/03/2025 10:49

ColdSpring25 · 19/03/2025 08:58

He said he hadn’t met up in person with anyone from the dating apps, but I obviously would never know…

Well he would say that wouldn't he - and even if he didn't - he wanted to.

BestDIL · 19/03/2025 12:44

Once a cheat, always a cheat. Walk away and forget about him!

arethereanyleftatall · 19/03/2025 12:51

Oh op. If either of my daughters ever came to me with your opening post, I would be horrified . Please op, please learn that he, and men like him, are so far beneath you, they’re just not worth any of your time at all. Being single is a trillion times better than this man. Please raise your bar op.

tryingtobesogood · 19/03/2025 12:56

ColdSpring25 · 19/03/2025 08:58

He said he hadn’t met up in person with anyone from the dating apps, but I obviously would never know…

No you won’t, you won’t ever know and you can never trust him to tell you the truth.

you are worth more than this.

Original poster
ColdSpring25 · 19/03/2025 14:43

Thank you for the responses confirming my thoughts. The being on dating apps were obviously a dealbreaker. The refusing to have an STI test is an absolute non-starter. But when people immediately say ltb and how could you possibly consider taking him back… 4 years are a lot of memories with many many good times. The feeling of someone who knows you better than you know yourself, who can tell your mood by how you say hello, who treats my daughter better than her own dad, who does the dishes before I can get to them because he knows I hate doing it, who fills petrol in my car so I don’t have to, whose happiness is tied to my being fulfilled during sex, who often comes home with my or my daughter’s favourite treat, who puts a hot water bottle in my bed when he wakes up in the morning and researches ways to help my medical condition. The deceit doesn’t occur in a vacuum. And I suppose this applies to many other women on this board who receive incredulous responses of “how are you not ltb?” It’s the correct thing to do, but devastating to actually do.

OP posts:
ForRealCat · 19/03/2025 14:50

Cheating is never ok, but I think that there is a real difference between someone who meets someone in real life and has their head turned versus someone who joins a dating app to go looking for someone to cheat with.

Please don't take this man back. I've been there, I left someone after 6 years, its terrifying, but you do come out the other side.

offyoufuck · 19/03/2025 14:55

ColdSpring25 · 19/03/2025 14:43

Thank you for the responses confirming my thoughts. The being on dating apps were obviously a dealbreaker. The refusing to have an STI test is an absolute non-starter. But when people immediately say ltb and how could you possibly consider taking him back… 4 years are a lot of memories with many many good times. The feeling of someone who knows you better than you know yourself, who can tell your mood by how you say hello, who treats my daughter better than her own dad, who does the dishes before I can get to them because he knows I hate doing it, who fills petrol in my car so I don’t have to, whose happiness is tied to my being fulfilled during sex, who often comes home with my or my daughter’s favourite treat, who puts a hot water bottle in my bed when he wakes up in the morning and researches ways to help my medical condition. The deceit doesn’t occur in a vacuum. And I suppose this applies to many other women on this board who receive incredulous responses of “how are you not ltb?” It’s the correct thing to do, but devastating to actually do.

Edited

For goodness sake, the man is a PRICK. Stop giving him the time of day and block him.

sandrafarringdon66 · 19/03/2025 14:56

ColdSpring25 · 18/03/2025 21:22

Been together 4 years, found out he was dating apps at the end and ended it. He’s now started communication again and I told him that it will alleviate a lot of my anxiety if he would do an STI test (he does not use condoms). I’ve just done one which came back clear. I told him that I could buy him a home kit and that I can’t consider sex without it, but He is adamant he’s not doing one and said to stop bullying him into something he doesn’t want to do. 1. I don’t understand his reluctance? 2. I can’t bring myself to be intimate with him without it, so what’s the point of reconciliation? I’m conflicted because I adored this man and thought he was the one I was going to spend my life with.

You adore a man that cheats on you? That puts your health at risk? That doesn't like to make you feel safe by doing something as important as a health check? Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Please give your head a wobble.

TwistedWonder · 19/03/2025 15:07

It doesn’t matter how good an act this man puts on as a doting step father, he’s a liar, a cheat and doesn’t give a shit about your sexual health. That’s a boundary that once crossed there’s no coming back from imo.

CheekyHobson · 19/03/2025 16:54

ColdSpring25 · 19/03/2025 14:43

Thank you for the responses confirming my thoughts. The being on dating apps were obviously a dealbreaker. The refusing to have an STI test is an absolute non-starter. But when people immediately say ltb and how could you possibly consider taking him back… 4 years are a lot of memories with many many good times. The feeling of someone who knows you better than you know yourself, who can tell your mood by how you say hello, who treats my daughter better than her own dad, who does the dishes before I can get to them because he knows I hate doing it, who fills petrol in my car so I don’t have to, whose happiness is tied to my being fulfilled during sex, who often comes home with my or my daughter’s favourite treat, who puts a hot water bottle in my bed when he wakes up in the morning and researches ways to help my medical condition. The deceit doesn’t occur in a vacuum. And I suppose this applies to many other women on this board who receive incredulous responses of “how are you not ltb?” It’s the correct thing to do, but devastating to actually do.

Edited

I mean, this all sounds lovely but surely there were also downsides that you’re not listing?

How does a man go from treating his partner like a queen to getting on the apps looking for some side-action? How did you find out he was even on the apps? Did something else in his behaviour prompt you to go looking or did you get a tip-off that came as a total shock?

Offtobuttonmoontovisitmrspoon · 19/03/2025 16:58

ColdSpring25 · 19/03/2025 14:43

Thank you for the responses confirming my thoughts. The being on dating apps were obviously a dealbreaker. The refusing to have an STI test is an absolute non-starter. But when people immediately say ltb and how could you possibly consider taking him back… 4 years are a lot of memories with many many good times. The feeling of someone who knows you better than you know yourself, who can tell your mood by how you say hello, who treats my daughter better than her own dad, who does the dishes before I can get to them because he knows I hate doing it, who fills petrol in my car so I don’t have to, whose happiness is tied to my being fulfilled during sex, who often comes home with my or my daughter’s favourite treat, who puts a hot water bottle in my bed when he wakes up in the morning and researches ways to help my medical condition. The deceit doesn’t occur in a vacuum. And I suppose this applies to many other women on this board who receive incredulous responses of “how are you not ltb?” It’s the correct thing to do, but devastating to actually do.

Edited

This is all great but he was planning to cheat on you/did cheat on you.
Why else would he be on dating apps? I would rather do my own dishes and fill up my own car.

If he wanted to be with you he would test.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/03/2025 17:02

You need to raise your standards. Offering to buy STD kits for people who refuse to use condoms on every occasion in order to make you feel 'comfortable' shagging him?
Nobody is that good in bed surely.

As for him claiming you're bullying him? Lol. He's a disease ridden dog and you're frankly unreasonable for even speaking to him, never mind buying him clap test kits. You do know lots of stds don't show up on a home test?

TheAmusedQuail · 19/03/2025 22:06

ColdSpring25 · 19/03/2025 14:43

Thank you for the responses confirming my thoughts. The being on dating apps were obviously a dealbreaker. The refusing to have an STI test is an absolute non-starter. But when people immediately say ltb and how could you possibly consider taking him back… 4 years are a lot of memories with many many good times. The feeling of someone who knows you better than you know yourself, who can tell your mood by how you say hello, who treats my daughter better than her own dad, who does the dishes before I can get to them because he knows I hate doing it, who fills petrol in my car so I don’t have to, whose happiness is tied to my being fulfilled during sex, who often comes home with my or my daughter’s favourite treat, who puts a hot water bottle in my bed when he wakes up in the morning and researches ways to help my medical condition. The deceit doesn’t occur in a vacuum. And I suppose this applies to many other women on this board who receive incredulous responses of “how are you not ltb?” It’s the correct thing to do, but devastating to actually do.

Edited

So why post on here then? You know he'll do whatever he wants and you want him regardless.

THAT is the real non-starter here. But eventually, you're going to catch something from him.

His happiness sounds as if it comes from shagging multiple women (IF he can get them, which possibly so far he hasn't). So maybe it is a point of pride to him that you enjoy it. But when he's doing this beautiful shagging, perhaps be aware he does this with others, too.

jannier · 19/03/2025 22:17

It's pretty sad that after only 4 years you feel he knows you better than you do because he does the dishes and spouts the right words ....yes he does he's convinced you to put up with his antics to take responsibility for contraception and to risk your health.

beAsensible1 · 19/03/2025 22:29

Do not let a man who is mildly nice to you with a bit of personality make you lose all self esteem.

he is a liar and a cheat looking to get his leg over. All the fond memories mean nothing to him, he won’t even do the bare minimum to protect your sexual health.

please want more for yourself

BellissimoGecko · 19/03/2025 23:06

He does not use condoms?? Well, I wouldn’t be shagging him then.

Why do you want him back?? he’s a cheat with STIs. Mmm, lovely!

Zanzara · 20/03/2025 00:00

He's not your boyfriend, OP, and he's horrible.

I wouldn't be touching this man's todger with a pair of kitchen tongs, never mind anything else. Have some self respect, please.

FarFromtheMadders · 20/03/2025 01:01

STI tests for younger generations are absolutely par for the course at the beginning of a relationship.
He sounds v.old fashioned, but could you not just say you’re not having sex with him and putting your physical health at risk unless he has a test? If he wants to reconcile with you he’ll do it. @ColdSpring25it sounds like you really like him and this has become a Mexican stand off about control rather than perhaps the actual issue itself. Although that in itself is an issue.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 20/03/2025 01:05

ColdSpring25 · 19/03/2025 06:53

To PP, yes he is very old fashioned. He’s 50.

Well I meant ‘old fashioned’ as in ‘from the 1850s’ 😆.

He’s 50? I’m older than that.

No STI test = no access to me.

Original poster
ColdSpring25 · 20/03/2025 01:07

@TheAmusedQuailI posted to check if I was being reasonable not to consider a reconciliation under the circumstances and to have some idea what his thought process was.
As is stands, I haven’t responded to him since Sunday.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 20/03/2025 02:09

I’m 55 and using condoms was drilled into us - as was refusing sex with selfish men who ‘didn’t like’ them - we grew up at the height of the AIDS crisis.

We did (also 50s), but in about 3 years of OLD, I've been amazed at how many men will try not to use condoms. Most of them don't initiate conversations about contraception, especially not barrier contraception- I might be in my 50s, but I'm still having periods. Most will use condoms with a bit of grumbling if it's a choice of that or no sex, but nearly all are hoping you won't insist on it or mention it so they don't have to. Some have done STI tests, but it's not common. One guy insisted on it before i mentioned it - he's really nervous about catching something, and at least he understands that if I go to bed with him earon, I've probably done that with other guys. (Not just probably, to be fair.)

Postal is only chlamydia and gonorrhoea.

Depends where you get them. Lloyds Pharmacy will do chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and HIV by post. But that still leaves HPV, HSV, trichomonas and anything else.

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