Boyfriend refusing STI test

[ColdSpring25]

Been together 4 years, found out he was dating apps at the end and ended it. He’s now started communication again and I told him that it will alleviate a lot of my anxiety if he would do an STI test (he does not use condoms). I’ve just done one which came back clear. I told him that I could buy him a home kit and that I can’t consider sex without it, but He is adamant he’s not doing one and said to stop bullying him into something he doesn’t want to do. 1. I don’t understand his reluctance? 2. I can’t bring myself to be intimate with him without it, so what’s the point of reconciliation? I’m conflicted because I adored this man and thought he was the one I was going to spend my life with.

There's no way I'd take a selfish, cheating bastard back.

You know he’ll be back on dating apps. Don’t even bother with him.

Raise the bar.

When I first met DH I insisted on the same - his appointment was booked the day I said it. This is the epitome of "if he wanted to he would". Do not back down on this, walk away.

I didn’t realise that hooking up with women from dating apps whilst in a 4 year relationship was old fashioned… hmmm.

Are you very lonely @ColdSpring25 ? or vulnerable or reliant on him for money or something? What is it that’s making you consider going back to a man who cheats? It’s not a good decision, he will cheat on you. He’s literally shown you that he doesn’t respect you or value the relationship. It’s just very sad that you’d go back to him. I wonder what’s happened to make you feel that this is all you deserve.

But doesn’t seem to believe in good old fashioned monogamy, or no sex before marriage? Funny how he gets to pick and choose what he’s old fashioned about that suits him.

Honestly, OP, the trust will have gone and he’s refusing to respect your basic boundaries. This will happen again.

He said he hadn’t met up in person with anyone from the dating apps, but I obviously would never know…

Who damaged you so severely that you're even entertaining this as a thought?

There are no good reasons for his refusal, only bad ones.

He's a shocker.

Block him and never look back.

If this man doesn’t respect you enough to take a simple STI test then please don’t trust him to make a life together. Your best interests are clearly not important enough to him.

Lucky. Escape.

That would be an absolute line in the sand for me.

You shouldn't take him back anyway - why would you think he's suddenly going to be different than who he was last month (or whatever)?? He's 50 years old and his personality is entrenched. You'll never be able to trust him.

Well unless you're going to get him tested before every time you sleep with him then there really isn't a lot of point in insisting this once, is there? I kind of think he's right. You either accept him as is-with whatever STIs he contracts along the way, or you chuck him in the bin.

Why are you even considering taking him back?

How old are you OP?

It’s time to do a lot of soul searching about why you’re even considering accepting being treated this badly, let alone imagining spending your life with someone who doesn’t care about you.

You can't risk your health. The split has to be irrevocable.

So what's good about him?
He sleeps around dipping his manhood everywhere he can at every opportunity hoping to recreate as often as possible risking everyone's health.....and that won't stop.
He's exposing everyone including any offspring to disease including cancer
Refuses to consider you or your feelings just so he can get his pleasure.....I'm sure that would extend to any future life you had together....get real hes not even a fish in the sea just a plancton.

I know you said your tests came back clear but did you just do the postal test or did you get the full panel at a clinic? Postal is only chlamydia and gonorrhoea. Terence Higgins will also send a postal HIV test.

You are right not to trust he hasn't met other women. Please don't take him back, there are more men on apps than women, you can find a better one than this. Protect your own sexual health.

It doesn't take muuch effort, especially with you arranging it. I would presume that he won't do it because it's pointless; he already knows it would come up positive.

I'm going against the grain here but unless you are concerned he is still sleeping around, if you've been together 4 years, assuming you've been sexually active all that time and your tests came back clear, why are you so persistent?

Sorry, I just re-read the post again! Didn't realise you'd split up and wanting to get back together. That's different - I second what everyone is saying now!

In that (unlikely) case, he’s got nothing to worry about then, has he? His STI tests will come back all clear and you can make your decision accordingly.

Gross. He does the test or you dump him. Full stop (I’d dump him anyway but that’s up to you)

Christ OP, you know the answer here, it’s just hard. There’s no conflict, it’s just painful for you to accept the truth. He should be doing everything in his power to win you back. Yet he won’t do this one thing for the good of your health and to top it off he’s accusing you of ‘bullying’ him!!

He’s not the man you thought he was.

You set a boundary. He has ignored it. I think that means game over.