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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage woes, would really appreciate some advice

101 replies

belle1416 · 18/03/2025 09:00

I’ve posted on here before about issues between my husband and I. Will try and keep it brief.

Been together ten years and I have two teenage daughters from my first marriage. He has a good relationship with my eldest but has always clashed with my youngest. I am always stuck in the middle of not taking sides.

Youngest daughter has mental health issues, self harms, two (thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempts. She has made an allegation against a boy which the police are involved in. My husband doesn’t believe her and now refuses to be in the house when I’m not there in case she makes an allegation against him. This is proving extremely difficult as he works from home. I was at work at the weekend, ten hour shifts each day, and he made himself scarce which he is very resentful of.

All came to a head when I had to go and pick my eldest up last night and he left the house whilst I did. He thinks I am handling the situation all wrong and that him being out of the house isn’t his choice but something he is being forced into to protect himself. My eldest has picked up on the fact that he isn’t around anymore like he used to be and is feeling anxious because of this. He said I can’t tell her the real reason he’s not around as that will put him in an awkward position and cause her further anxiety (she has been diagnosed with anxiety through CAMHS).

I’ve just got no idea how and if this can be resolved. I’m trying to manage the emotions of three people whilst working full time in a job that requires a large degree of concentration. Trying to support my eldest who is anxious about everything, my youngest through a police investigation and a husband who isn’t around. I feel like a pressure cooker.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 18/03/2025 09:05

He has to go OP there is no other choice because you have to prioritise your children and if the relationship between them is such he doesn’t believe her and thinks she will make accusations then either
(a) their relationship is so broken it’s unfixable and he hates her
(b) their relationship is allegations would be true and it is a cause of your daughters issues and he is afraid it is going to come out

either way your marriage is over

Girlmom35 · 18/03/2025 09:18

This whole idea that you have to remain neutral between your husband and your daughter and not take sides, is just bonkers.
She's your child. She's not an adult. She needs you more than a fully grown man does. You don't stay out of it. You stick up for your daughter. You do what's best for her, always.
Right now she's living under the same roof as a man who doesn't believe her trauma and who's making a point of turning himself into the victim. Who has no empathy for her, doesn't care how his behaviour is impacting these two young girls. His presence is damaging your girls. He's a grown man. He can live elsewhere and make his own decisions. Your daughters can't. They're stuck with whatever man you choose as a partner. So please, put their needs first.

Octavia64 · 18/03/2025 09:21

I don’t think this is an easy fix.

he doesn’t believe her and he feels the need to protect itself from her. If she did make any allegations it would destroy his life.

in similar situations in education if allegations have been made then protocols are put in place that no-one is ever to be alone with either the person making the allegations or the person accused.

she may well be telling the truth, but he will s protecting himself in case she is not.

you aren’t going to get past this.

your daughter clearly needs a great deal of support. Children in this situation who are suicidal can be very very vulnerable and very hard to parent.

Original poster
belle1416 · 18/03/2025 10:16

Thank you.

@Girlmom35 I do stick up for my daughter, always. I think the only time I haven’t is when she told him to f*ck off.

It’s such a mess. I really regret the relationship and wish I had remained on my own, just the 3 of us. Life would have been so different.

i appreciate everyone’s advice so much xx

OP posts:
Crojo · 18/03/2025 10:43

I can kind of understand his concern of protecting himself from allegations, however it does seem quite an extreme reaction, and realistically it’s not something he can keep up long term. Does he plan on never being alone with her again?
It’s also not fair on any of you to have him dipping in and out of family life. You all need support and stability.
I think really it would be better for everyone if he wasn’t there at all.
I also hope you can get some support for yourself and your daughters as it all sounds incredibly hard.

Waterlilysunset · 18/03/2025 10:45

It’s not ideal but the only way to salvage the relationship with the partner is for him to move out and you to date and live apart. When’s she’s grown up and moved out to uni or whatever then you reassess living with him again

Loubylie · 18/03/2025 10:47

He needs to leave. It's the only solution. Maybe everyone's anxiety will improve if he does.

Loubylie · 18/03/2025 10:49

He has been clashing with your daughter for ten years. When he has left you could try family therapy with her maybe.

Arrivederla · 18/03/2025 10:51

Crojo · 18/03/2025 10:43

I can kind of understand his concern of protecting himself from allegations, however it does seem quite an extreme reaction, and realistically it’s not something he can keep up long term. Does he plan on never being alone with her again?
It’s also not fair on any of you to have him dipping in and out of family life. You all need support and stability.
I think really it would be better for everyone if he wasn’t there at all.
I also hope you can get some support for yourself and your daughters as it all sounds incredibly hard.

This

category12 · 18/03/2025 10:55

He's got to leave properly.

While he stays, you're essentially picking him over your dd.

Maybe her MH will improve if he goes.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 18/03/2025 11:02

belle1416 · 18/03/2025 10:16

Thank you.

@Girlmom35 I do stick up for my daughter, always. I think the only time I haven’t is when she told him to f*ck off.

It’s such a mess. I really regret the relationship and wish I had remained on my own, just the 3 of us. Life would have been so different.

i appreciate everyone’s advice so much xx

If you really regret the relationship and wish you had stayed on your own then you have your answer. Being on your own, just the 3 of you, IS one of your choices.

He is detrimental to the situation. He’s contributing to everyone’s anxiety. He refuses to be in the house alone with one of the occupants. He needs to leave permanently.
It might all get a little harder for a few weeks while you work out the specifics but imagine the peace you will feel in a year. You’re walking on eggshells and if you become unwell from the stress of it all, who will support your daughters?

category12 · 18/03/2025 11:02

And actually it's such a big melodramatic leap of his to refuse to believe her and refuse to be in the same home, a girl he's lived with for years - that it makes me suspicious of him and the role he's played.

Seems like he's "poisoning the well" against her.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 18/03/2025 11:06

Also, how long, realistically, can his reasons for leaving house remain a secret from your daughters. One, or both, of them is going to work it out before too much longer and how will that make them feel? Disliked? Disbelieved?
He is literally saying that he thinks a young person he has lived with for years is so dishonest and screwed up and basically horrible that they will falsely accuse him of sexually assault? How is either of them supposed to process that and continue to live with him?

BurntBanana · 18/03/2025 11:08

Your daughter is struggling and she needs your support. He is not supporting and is actively making the situation worse. You only have one choice here sadly.

Kibble29 · 18/03/2025 11:10

Has she lied before or something?

I’m wondering why he doesn’t believe this allegation against the boy.

Original poster
belle1416 · 18/03/2025 11:35

Thank you everyone, everything you’re saying makes so much sense. They did get on in the beginning but certainly not for the past 5 years. I just hope I can repair the damage that has been done. I am very annoyed with myself.

@Kibble29 she has lied recently about something that she ordered online but other than that, not that I’m aware of.

OP posts:
madaffodil · 18/03/2025 11:40

I can't get over the fact that he doesn't believe your dd is telling the truth about the allegation against a boy, and that he thinks she is lying.

Or that his way of dealing with it is to assume she is going to deliberately make false and unfounded allegations against him.

That is a truly disgusting attitude.

He has to go.

Kibble29 · 18/03/2025 12:26

belle1416 · 18/03/2025 11:35

Thank you everyone, everything you’re saying makes so much sense. They did get on in the beginning but certainly not for the past 5 years. I just hope I can repair the damage that has been done. I am very annoyed with myself.

@Kibble29 she has lied recently about something that she ordered online but other than that, not that I’m aware of.

Has he given you any rationale as to why he’s so sure she’s a liar? It’s a weird stance to take if she’s generally honest etc.

RedHelenB · 18/03/2025 12:39

Waterlilysunset · 18/03/2025 10:45

It’s not ideal but the only way to salvage the relationship with the partner is for him to move out and you to date and live apart. When’s she’s grown up and moved out to uni or whatever then you reassess living with him again

This. I 100% understand where he's coming from but you have to support your dd.

Pamspeople · 18/03/2025 12:54

Until you separate you are essentially choosing him over your child. Your responsibility is to your children, you know that OP. I can't see their mental health improving while this living arrangement continues. Cut your losses and tell him it's over. Good luck OP x

category12 · 18/03/2025 13:06

RedHelenB · 18/03/2025 12:39

This. I 100% understand where he's coming from but you have to support your dd.

Show quote history

What?

There's no reason to believe the dd is lying about the sexual assault so what's so understandable about a man who has been a father figure to her for years, refusing to believe her and acting like she'll accuse him of something?!

He's supposed to care about her, not treat her like a pariah and threat.

newyearsresolurion · 18/03/2025 13:09

Where does he disappear to? He needs to remain there not to come back. Your child should be a priority

dairydebris · 18/03/2025 13:18

Girlmom35 · 18/03/2025 09:18

This whole idea that you have to remain neutral between your husband and your daughter and not take sides, is just bonkers.
She's your child. She's not an adult. She needs you more than a fully grown man does. You don't stay out of it. You stick up for your daughter. You do what's best for her, always.
Right now she's living under the same roof as a man who doesn't believe her trauma and who's making a point of turning himself into the victim. Who has no empathy for her, doesn't care how his behaviour is impacting these two young girls. His presence is damaging your girls. He's a grown man. He can live elsewhere and make his own decisions. Your daughters can't. They're stuck with whatever man you choose as a partner. So please, put their needs first.

Nailed it.

Cnf1 · 18/03/2025 14:51

Cameras in every room is a practical solution.

RedHelenB · 18/03/2025 14:54

Cnf1 · 18/03/2025 14:51

Cameras in every room is a practical solution.

It really isn't.