Marriage woes, would really appreciate some advice

[belle1416]

I’ve posted on here before about issues between my husband and I. Will try and keep it brief.

Been together ten years and I have two teenage daughters from my first marriage. He has a good relationship with my eldest but has always clashed with my youngest. I am always stuck in the middle of not taking sides.

Youngest daughter has mental health issues, self harms, two (thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempts. She has made an allegation against a boy which the police are involved in. My husband doesn’t believe her and now refuses to be in the house when I’m not there in case she makes an allegation against him. This is proving extremely difficult as he works from home. I was at work at the weekend, ten hour shifts each day, and he made himself scarce which he is very resentful of.

All came to a head when I had to go and pick my eldest up last night and he left the house whilst I did. He thinks I am handling the situation all wrong and that him being out of the house isn’t his choice but something he is being forced into to protect himself. My eldest has picked up on the fact that he isn’t around anymore like he used to be and is feeling anxious because of this. He said I can’t tell her the real reason he’s not around as that will put him in an awkward position and cause her further anxiety (she has been diagnosed with anxiety through CAMHS).

I’ve just got no idea how and if this can be resolved. I’m trying to manage the emotions of three people whilst working full time in a job that requires a large degree of concentration. Trying to support my eldest who is anxious about everything, my youngest through a police investigation and a husband who isn’t around. I feel like a pressure cooker.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Yes, very much a pattern of behaviour and he always manages to turn it around into him being the victim.

Your response to posts is encouraging. You aren't defending him or making excuses. That is a step in the right direction. You will all be happier when he's gone x

You’ve got this @belle1416 Show strength and be the best role model you can possibly be to those lovely daughters of yours. You will not regret removing this toxic man from yours and your children’s lives.

Tell your daughter that you believe her and are going to support her in every way.

My daughter knows I believe her, it has never been in question. Thankfully, she doesn’t know that he doesn’t believe her. I am 100% supporting her and feel I can do that even better when he’s not here as he won’t be taking up as much of my energy. Thank you. I just hope I can repair the damage.

Your daughter is a child. You need to prioritise her and advocate for her. I think you need to work on yourself and focus wholly on supporting your girls with their MH issues. I think your H makes everything worse. He's not a supportive partner and seems to cause more drama than necessary. You need to ditch him. You have enough going on without his nonsense and he doesn't bring anything positive to the table. It might feel hard and it might get harder before it gets better but I absolutely think thing will feel very different for all of you once he's gone.

Don't worry about being twice divorced at mid 40s.It hasn't worked out the way you imagined but better divorced than being with the wrong person.

his reaction is so weird and non-parental that i would be worried the breakdown of their relationship is because he had done something to her. he is over the top and being really kinda cruel to make it so that you are torn between your child and him. he sucks and I am glad you see it. you sound very strong and loving. wishing you and your daughters well.

He doesn't believe her? Why? What a misogynist pig! He is of the type to never believe women, isn't he? He believes women and girls make things up. He probably thinks #MeToo was a load of rubbish.

I genuinely and honestly could not be with a man that didn't BELIEVE women and girls. You are setting a bad example by staying with this misogynistic pig. I'd tell him if he does not believe my daughter, he needs to leave and our marriage is over. I absofuckinglutely would! You need to choose. He is clearly of the 'all men are at risk of these easy manipulative women and girls making up lies about me'.

He has showed his true colours. How can you sleep beside him at night? Get rid of him and tell your daughter why.

Do you know what triggers your daughter's mental health crisis? Living in a home like that isn't easy for any of you. If he leaves, will that resolve the situation?

What the actual fuck! What does he think abusers 'present' like!?

As someone who was neglected by her own mother for her men... please, put your daughter first. I urge you.

Our relationship has never been good because she did that to me. I've been working on trying to forgive her for years.

Your husband is wrong. You need to show her she is OK and help her or she will hold it against you. Don't let a man treat her that way. Nothing good will come from this.

Yes you will repair the damage by putting her first and standing by her side. It's not a piggy in the middle situation, like my own mother always said, your children come first or they end up mentally damaged. You are on their side and don't be afraid to say so. All the best x

Thank you everyone for all of the advice, it helps massively.

He went away for work yesterday for a few days. My eldest daughter rang me in tears from school as he had unfriended her on Facebook and left the family group chat. I don’t understand an adult doing that to a child.
He messaged me to say that he when he is back, he is going to get a short term holiday let and taking the dog with him. I asked him not to as my eldest daughter is absolutely obsessed with our dog and she really takes comfort from him. I said it would only add to her anxiety. He replied saying he needed the dog for his own mental health and that there is nothing wrong with him thinking about his own needs.

And then some texts about how badly I’ve handled everything with my youngest daughter over the years. How he helped me through uni (mature student) and gave up his bonus as I didn’t start work for a month after finishing uni (not my choice, that was the start date given).

What an absolute mess.

He's just again demonstrating what a selfish, self-serving wanker he is. At the same time he's telling you all the wonderful things he's done for you. Your daughters however old are the children. He is an adult. Again he's putting his needs and wants above very unwell children. Unfriending your daughter was just nasty and unnecessary. He's just making a point but I think it just demonstrates further why you need to be rid of him. He's very horrible person. The sooner you can end the marriage the better in my opinion. Have you spoken to a solicitor?

He is absolutely vile. I hope you are free soon x

It's only a mess if you keep him in your life.

What a mess

What a dick, more like. Him moving out is a good move.

I'm sorry about the dog. I think you should let him take it and consider getting your own or a cat or another small animal, like guinea pigs.

I know pets are not interchangeable but it'll give you all joy and comfort, and better than a battle over the dog that'll distress everyone except him, who will get off on it. (Although he may return the dog yet, if it becomes inconvenient.)

Is there any way you can stop him from taking the dog without going through him? He’s vile and seems to want to hurt you through the dog so I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction but I’d also consider if there are other avenues to keep the dog. It’s a hard tumultuous time for the girls and pets can be a great comfort.

He replied saying he needed the dog for his own mental health and that there is nothing wrong with him thinking about his own needs.

He's done nothing but think of his own needs! 😂

No solicitor yet.

My DD will be heartbroken without the dog and he knows it. I feel so sad that he would do that to her.

Who bought the dog and who is the registered owner?

Whose is the dog?

We paid half each and he is registered in joint names

Sounds like he’s laying the ground work for a potential allegation about him….

in any case - he clearly has to go and you have turfed him out long ago

Oh and keep the dog

I would never stay with someone who didn't believe my daughter over something so serious - your daughter has been assaulted, she needs you all in her corner. You are so much better off without him!!

As I am sure most of you would also be able to say - I have known some "lovely" men who have assaulted women - they don't all have "rapist" written on their foreheads. If men appeared to be capable of sexual assault none of us would be alone in a room with them in the first place - your husband is vile.