Marriage woes, would really appreciate some advice

[belle1416]

I’ve posted on here before about issues between my husband and I. Will try and keep it brief.

Been together ten years and I have two teenage daughters from my first marriage. He has a good relationship with my eldest but has always clashed with my youngest. I am always stuck in the middle of not taking sides.

Youngest daughter has mental health issues, self harms, two (thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempts. She has made an allegation against a boy which the police are involved in. My husband doesn’t believe her and now refuses to be in the house when I’m not there in case she makes an allegation against him. This is proving extremely difficult as he works from home. I was at work at the weekend, ten hour shifts each day, and he made himself scarce which he is very resentful of.

All came to a head when I had to go and pick my eldest up last night and he left the house whilst I did. He thinks I am handling the situation all wrong and that him being out of the house isn’t his choice but something he is being forced into to protect himself. My eldest has picked up on the fact that he isn’t around anymore like he used to be and is feeling anxious because of this. He said I can’t tell her the real reason he’s not around as that will put him in an awkward position and cause her further anxiety (she has been diagnosed with anxiety through CAMHS).

I’ve just got no idea how and if this can be resolved. I’m trying to manage the emotions of three people whilst working full time in a job that requires a large degree of concentration. Trying to support my eldest who is anxious about everything, my youngest through a police investigation and a husband who isn’t around. I feel like a pressure cooker.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

As I understand it, dd doesn't know yet that he isn't being alone with her. But it will get noticeable hence my agreeing he needs to live elsewhere. However, he too has a life and any allegations could be really detrimental to his marriage/ career/ relationship with other dc. OP as mother needs to support her dd and show that she believes her.

Why can't he be openly supportive to DD? He sounds sexist and toxic.

Nobody has sympathy for male partners in most of these situations, but I do see both sides here. It’s too easy to shout “choose your DD! Tell him to leave!”

Obviously most important is that your DD is supported and believed when she’s made an allegation.

If there is a fractured relationship between DD and your DH, and he has reason to not believe her, it’s understandable that he feels the need
to protect himself from potential allegations, from a troubled child.

However, this situation is untenable. It’s not practical for any of you to live like this.

If he was their biological dad, it also wouldn’t be a reasonable first option to make him leave because he’s finding it difficult and stressful, parenting a high needs and troubled child.

There are potentially conversations/guidelines that you could all live with and discuss or cooperate as a family going forward. But I think the fact that you say your regret the relationship and wish it was just the three of you is all you need to know.

There’s no marriage to save if you know your heart isn’t in it, and feel things would be better without him.

Yeah, and as her stepdad, he should be supporting and believing her, not being an absolute prick.

He's got no reason to accuse her of lying and no reason to assume he'd be a target of false accusations.

Stop hoping and start doing. Your husband is bad for your daughter. Why doesn't he believe her? Does he think assult/sexual assault victims bring it upon themselves or something?

Cameras in every room is a stupid idea ..
I agree with Waterlilysunset ..
I hope aswel your daughters become happy again , that’s shit 2 of them struggling mentally 😔 x

I agree with this.

I think it would be good for you to see how you can achieve that now

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5228314-marriage-advice-needed-nowhere-to-turn?postsby=belle1416

Just read your other thread. He's monstrous! Get him out of your lives, he's causing your daughter so much damage, please put her first!

If you stay with him you'll be culpable in your daughter's mental health battle. Given that she's already had two suicide attempts do you really want another one possibly successful on your conscience?

She's massively struggling, she needs you to support her.

Be the mother she deserves and put her first, get this abusive waste of oxygen away from her!

Yep just read previous thread and dear god he is awful - but let’s just say his worry is all about him and he doesn’t believe your daughter

yiu waste so much time and energy on this man get rid and focus on your daughters

He thinks she is lying because she lied to my face about the online order and because we had met the boy in question and he says he didn’t present like someone who would do what she has alleged he did.

You say here you stick up for your DD always, but in your OP you say you’re stuck in the middle not taking sides.

You need to pick a side. And it needs to be your DD. My kids know that I will always take their side publicly. Even if I have private conversations with them about their behaviour etc, I will always back them to anyone else.

All that said, you say that you regret this relationship and wish it was just you and your girls. So there you go, you know what you need to do….

Wow.

Didn't realise all culprits came visibly labelled as threats. I guess all victims are just stupid and unable to read the signs. 🙄

I am taking all of your advice on board. Currently feeling like the worst mother in the world.

No point in wallowing, do something instead
As for lying about things we had a family member who was actually abused but then decided to make up allegations about lots of other family members and friends that just couldn't possibly be true - so being abused and lying aren't mutually exclusive.

You don't love him. You'd be happier in a smaller place living on peace with your daughters.

Find a way of splitting the debt between you then ask him to leave.

In 10 or 20 years time you can either:
a) be with him and never see your daughters
Or
b) live peacefully and have good relationship with your daughters.

If they have children of their own will they come and visit you with horrible step dad still around? I doubt it.

The long game is less lonely. Being with this man will make you all so miserable - actually it already has.

Trigger warning: Very direct. Mention of sexual abuse. Tackling difficult topics. Feminism.

There is something deeply ingrained in our patriarchal culture to not believe women. I read that if a woman ran out of a house naked screaming ‘his trying to kill me’, people are more likely to believe she is crazy than that a man is actually trying to kill her. (Sexy but Psycho by Dr Jessica Taylor)

If she said something has happened she needs to be believed and be protected from and defended against anyone that doesn’t believe her. My sister was sexually abused. Some people thought perhaps she made it up because of her mental health. In reality her mental health issues were a result of the abuse (combined with some good old fashioned childhood trauma). And that’s something else we need to flip on its head. Why are women who are experiencing a natural trauma response medicalised with ‘mental health’ issues. Why are we trying to fix the women who are defective in some ways (mentally unstable) rather than addressing the root cause which is often the mistreatment of women by men. And before I get jumped on, yes, I know ‘not all men’ but that doesn’t negate that the issue DOES exist. And yes I know that some mental health issues are exactly that, but that doesn’t negate that women’s trauma responses are frequently labeled as ‘mental health’ issues. Why must women orbit men as ‘other’? How has her trauma become about him?! He is not central here.

Can you imagine being sexually assaulted (I’m assuming this is what the ‘something happened with a boy and the police are involved’ means). Not believed. Told it’s your mental health issue. Treated like you’re radioactive. Your home, your safe space is no longer a sanctuary but another battle ground. And that it’s tolerated by your mother. That is the complex PTSD making stuff of nightmares. She is being mistreated by him and you are complicit.

But what do I know. I’m just a crazy woman 🤷‍♀️.

I also have concerns bexause whereas the she could be lying is (sadly) a normal response fear she may accuse him and not be in the same room is not.

her behaviour could very well say that he has already done what she is accusing him off.

OP this is yiur wake up call you now cannot ignore

Lying or not (she isn't) she. quite understandably, can't stand him and everyone is walking in eggshells either during or in anticipation of his dark moods and strops.

This is a man who gave you the silent treatment (which is an emotionally abusive behaviour) for weeks after your dd's suicide attempt because you quite rightly called her dad to let him know what was going on.

He's not a good man.

I don’t want to put ideas in your head @belle1416 but………

Your husband’s reaction/behaviour just seems like a huge alarm bell to me 🚩 It is not a normal reaction. At all.

My instinct reading this is that your husband is trying to set your daughter up to look like a liar. A liar who has a reputation for making false allegations against people. And I find it very concerning.

Could he be doing this to hide something that he has done to your daughter himself?? If he has behaved inappropriately towards her, this is the perfect alibi for him. He can say that she has a track record of false allegations, he did everything he could to never be alone with her.

Please really really stop and think about whether this could be the case. Maybe time to have a gentle and very private chat with your daughter about how she gets on with your husband. You say yourself that it is a difficult relationship. Could there be more to it?

Can I also point out what appears to be a pattern - when your dd is in crisis, he makes a huge drama in the marriage?

She attempts suicide, he gives you the silent treatment for weeks.
She's assaulted, he's accusing her of lying and refusing to stay in the house with her.

He's made both these incidents far far worse for you, instead of supporting you and supporting your dd like a normal man. He's made it about himself and about trying to get you running round after him, instead of showing any compassion or kindness.

Is this also a pattern with other times he's not centred? Does he spoil special occasions? What's he like with illness and other claims on your attention?

He seems like an awful toxic monster. He is not there for you or your kids. Why is he there? He should go, all the way.

Everything you’re all saying is right. It makes for difficult reading but sometimes you need other people to spell it out for you. Thank you all.
It’s going to be a difficult road ahead but I know long term, myself and my children will be happier. Just when you think you’ve got your life and future sorted, you’re about to be divorced twice by the time you’re mid forties.