Marriage woes, would really appreciate some advice

[belle1416]

I’ve posted on here before about issues between my husband and I. Will try and keep it brief.

Been together ten years and I have two teenage daughters from my first marriage. He has a good relationship with my eldest but has always clashed with my youngest. I am always stuck in the middle of not taking sides.

Youngest daughter has mental health issues, self harms, two (thankfully unsuccessful) suicide attempts. She has made an allegation against a boy which the police are involved in. My husband doesn’t believe her and now refuses to be in the house when I’m not there in case she makes an allegation against him. This is proving extremely difficult as he works from home. I was at work at the weekend, ten hour shifts each day, and he made himself scarce which he is very resentful of.

All came to a head when I had to go and pick my eldest up last night and he left the house whilst I did. He thinks I am handling the situation all wrong and that him being out of the house isn’t his choice but something he is being forced into to protect himself. My eldest has picked up on the fact that he isn’t around anymore like he used to be and is feeling anxious because of this. He said I can’t tell her the real reason he’s not around as that will put him in an awkward position and cause her further anxiety (she has been diagnosed with anxiety through CAMHS).

I’ve just got no idea how and if this can be resolved. I’m trying to manage the emotions of three people whilst working full time in a job that requires a large degree of concentration. Trying to support my eldest who is anxious about everything, my youngest through a police investigation and a husband who isn’t around. I feel like a pressure cooker.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

Does he have more rights to get the dog? No.

Say no.

I’d tell him if he is leaving then he can only take his personal possessions, all joint assets, including the dog, can be fought over during the divorce.

Jesús well if you were thinking of taking him back then hopefully that display of what a complete dick he is will make sure you never forget.

well done OP !

I have said no and he insists he’s taking him to his “holiday let”

@belle1416 not all holiday lets allow dogs. He has no more rights over the dog that you, who buys the dog food, pays the vet bills, t walks the dog n cares for it? You have the dog atm? Possession is 9 tenths of the law!

Then at the very least it should be a 50/50 split if you are joint owners he doesn’t get to just take him

Leave your dogs at your friends for the day he is back - or take the dog overnight somewhere yourself!

Away for work a few days, suddenly unfriends your daughter, tells you he is going and taking the dog. Number one, there is 99.9999% another woman. Even justifying himself how he is the good one who sacrifices everything and deserves to think about his mental health is part of The Script.

Number two, DON'T, whatever you do, allow him to get his hands on the dog. Take the dog to an undisclosed location for a few days at least. A friend, family member. And make sure they don't allow him on the property. He has already taken so much from you and the girls, do not under any circumstances allow him to take the dog from your daughter. Also you might need to consider telling your daughter that he wants to take the dog, so you can both form a plan of action. She needs to be prepared.

Please use the time that he is away to speak to a family lawyer and get things moving. If you can’t agree on the dog then it should be shared (maybe alternate weeks so you don’t have to see him for handovers any more often than that) pending divorce negotiations on asset splits.
You need to tell your girls that, while it’s going to be a tough few months as things get sorted out legally and practically, you have decided to split up from him because you will all be happier (SO much happier.)

It is the practical solution. Not a good solution but a practical one.

Thought I would update. Sorry if I’ve missed anyone’s questions, my head is mush.

He messaged on Thursday asking if I was at work yesterday as he wanted to collect some of his stuff. I was at work. When I came back he’d taken a lot of his stuff and put photos and presents I’d previously bought him in the bin.

I need to get sorted financially so I messaged this morning saying I presumed he wouldn’t be paying anything towards the bills in April and he hasn’t replied. Also, the WiFi isn’t working (small problem I know). My first thought was that he had done something to it but the box has a blue light on which apparently means it’s working. And I can’t ring them to get it fixed as the account is in his name.

Maybe he's changed to password on the router and locked you out.

Think you'll need to get your own.

The password not to

Now you are free!

The WiFi is in his name so you can just unplug it and get another account with a different provider in your name.

Good luck with everything x

Did he take the dog?

Dog is still with us. Not sure if he intends taking him at a later date.

He's such a child. He put the gifts you brought him in the bin for you to see. He's disconnected the Internet. He's just extremely immature ans performative.

@belle1416 ‘dog is still with us, not sure if he intends taking him at a later date’. Please reframe this in your head as, ‘he may want to take the dog at a later date’. His wish is not your command! He doesn’t get to just ‘take’ the dog as if he has sole ownership. Who buys the dog food, walks him, takes him to the vet etc?

It’s a mixture. We both pay for food, vets etc He does the majority of walking as he works from home and can take him out during the day when I’m at work.

I told my parents today. They were lovely and supportive.

Today is the first time I’ve cried. I feel really, really sad. It’s so hard having to hold everything together in front on the kids. I know I have to do this for them and to protect my future relationship with them. But it’s so hard. I have no idea how I’m going to function at work this week.

You are doing the right thing. Not easy right now but so worth it long term x

Do you believe your daughter is telling the truth?

Yes, I have no reason to doubt her.

You really are doing the right thing, it’s very worrying that he disbelieved her and used it as an excuse to make a martyr of himself

Everything is under way. We rent our house and my husband has been in touch with the landlord to say he has moved out. She is coming round tomorrow to sort out a new contract. We’ve agreed on how to pay the bills for April, split debt between us etc.

I am certain I am doing the right thing for the kids. I’m ashamed of the amount of arguments we’ve had over the years, not that they were witness to, but in the days that followed. When we weren’t talking and they were asking if we’d fallen out and what was wrong. Selfishly, I feel sad for me. Obviously we had good times along the way and I really do love him.

I just want to know that I’ll get through this and I’ll be ok.