He proposed (civil partnership), I’m feeling confused

[Tarantella43]

Have been with DP 3 years, and we have a blended family. He recently asked me if I’d like to form a civil partnership with him. He said not marriage as he’s not religious. I definitely feel he is my life-partner. I said yes, but I think I now feel a bit confused about whether I’d prefer marriage. We’ve hardly told anyone, I think mainly because we haven’t told the kids yet, and we think it’s a bit soon for them — we wouldn’t do the partnership for a while. But the other day I mentioned I’d told my best friend that we’d got engaged. DP said it’s not marriage, and that he’d have to be careful with his (8 year old) son as he promised him he’d never re-marry, but that hopefully a civil partnership would be easier for his son (!). He also said he’d got bad associations with marriage, after his first marriage. I am totally on board with being sensitive to his son, but if civil partnership is not really being seen as marriage then I’m not sure it’s for me. I also have bad associations with marriage. But part of me wants marriage, part of me thinks civil partnership may be a good idea as an alternative, and another part of me feels our relationship and commitment is what I really value, and do we need to take a legal step? Feeling a bit confused, though I was genuinely really happy when DP first suggested civil partnership. I have to say too, I’m a bit of a romantic and would like a bit more in the way of romance and celebration surrounding the decision itself, for example I did see it as getting engaged and did feel that should be celebrated. Thoughts?

Does he not realise that a civil (register office) marriage is completely non religious? Is there any chance he's confused and thinks that is a civil partnership?

Personally if he believes in marriage enough for his ex wife then I’d expect I wouldn be treated with the same value. If your good enough to be his ‘life partner’ and be a step mum then your good enough to be married if that’s what you want…. not in a civil partnership

He may have legit reasons for not wanting to marry, but the reasons he has given you are nonsense. If you want to marry him, push back and figure out a compromise. Maybe start with listing what you want out of the relationship/out of a marriage (to him or anyone) and see what can be truly satisfied by a civil partnership vs what remains, and then figure out together how to bridge the gap.

@Ellmau His first wedding was in a registry office so I don’t think this is the issue. I think that he was referring perhaps to the history of marriage, but actually I don’t think this is the main reason for choosing civil partnership: I think it’s emerging that the main reason is negative personal associations with marriage, and the fact that his son said, when he first learned about me a few years ago, that his Dad must never remarry and his Dad (unwisely, perhaps) said that he wouldn’t.

Civil partnership has the same legal status as a marriage.

You might find this helpful re differences/similarities between marriage and civil partnership in UK - seems they are more similar than different, and for inheritance/tax etc basically the same legal status.

https://www.setfords.co.uk/2024/01/22/civil-partnership-vs-marriage-whats-the-difference/

@lostoldname and @NotEnoughRoom Thanks, yes, I know they have practically the same legal status. But I think that’s why I’m concerned that DP doesn’t seem to be seeing them as the same. I do think they have a different social status.

To me (I'm hetero in a civil partnership), there's no significant difference between the two options. Rather, it's a preference thing. I always give the example of raspberry and strawberry ice cream. Pretty similar, I like both, I just prefer raspberry. It's difficult to change someone's preference if they feel strongly about it. I like the lack of tradition, stereotypes and religion associated with civil partnerships, even though from a purely legal perspective you can obviously have a non-religious etc wedding.

It sounds like he's trying to get around his promise to his son on a technicality. I wouldn't be ok with that tbh. It's like he's hiding his commitment to you and this civil partnership will end up being a series of compromises on your part, not being able to call yourself his fiancee, or later his wife, not being able to celebrate the decision to join your lives, or probably have any kind of celebration at the time of the partnership agreement. And yet I imagine he'll be expecting you to behave in a wifely way and act as a step parent to his DS, all the while making sure that his son doesn't realise that you are to all intents and purposes married. I'd want to dig a bit deeper into his reasons, his feelings for you and about marriage per se before going ahead with this.

I’d go back and say I have been thinking and I may have misunderstood. What is it you think you’re asking me by asking me to do this civil partnership? And why?

I'd rather have a civil partnership because of the history of marriage and how it was (and still is in some places) a way to buy and trade women. But I do see it as the same as marriage in terms of commitment, saying husband etc as I remember when all my lesbian friends got civil partnerships, they refer to each other as wife etc.

His telling his son that is the issue surely. And him telling you not to tell people you are engaged is stupid. You can interpret it as you like, but I think you both need to have the same interpretation.

I’m guessing it’s because he’s promised his son that he won’t remarry. I think that’s understandable. I think you should ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Civil partnership is a legal commitment. He doesn’t want an engagement or a wife, he wants a partner.

Not being able to say we’re engaged or I’m his wife would be a deal breaker for me I think. I could possibly handle partner not wife but not sure. What’s the point of his committing if it’s a secret commitment you can’t talk about?

His son is 8, it's irrelevant what he thinks about marriage.

His son is 8, it's irrelevant what he thinks about marriage.

Not to his Dad.

If it's marriage you want then turn him down.

Aren't they basically the same thing? The legal bit? Some people then add on a religious ceremony (and then this is thought if as the wedding and the other thing is just the 'legal bit'). I'd see what the legal differences are and go from there. It sounds as though he wants the legal commitment which is the main thing

It’s mind-boggling that he gave a 5 or 6 year old that kind of power. Does he obey him in other ways?

Call me shallow but I love the pomp and ceremony of a traditional marriage, no way would I be skipping that. Otherwise it would just be like filling in an online form and I do that every second day

Now that same-sex couples can marry, I think civil partnerships are obsolete and also a bit rubbish. They were originally a mealy-mouthed way of getting round the fact that the statue books defined a marriage as being between one man and one woman. And now you can get situations like OP's, where there's a sense she's being denied the full monty of marriage. You can't call yourself a spouse, legally, only a civil partner, and legally you're not married, so what are you, civil partner-shipped? It's just dumb. Then there's the fact that if you move abroad, many other countries won't recognise it. I don't think I'd have much patience with the whole CP thing myself. You can have a civil wedding if you're not religious.

About this man in particular, his proposing a CP is a red flag that he's avoidant or ambivalent. He may be a perfectly great person, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's a good life partner. There are so, so many people out there who are ambivalent about attachment, and it's thoroughly miserable being tied to one of those. Ask me how I know. Accept him if you want to spend half your life being rudely pushed away, in one way or another.

Then there's the man's handling of his son. Not cool.

OP, he may be a good person, he may make you laugh, you may fancy him, you may have a great relationship with him, but none of this necessarily makes him a suitable person to be legally shackled to for a lifetime. What it does is make him a good boyfriend. For marriage - forget this CP nonsense - you want someone who is REALLY stable, knows what they want, and does not have any hang-ups about commitment.

Tread very carefully with someone who has commitment issues. They're not fun, they're not cute, and they shouldn't be your challenge to overcome. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that if only you were cleverer/richer/prettier/whatever he would propose marriage. This is about him, and nothing you could ever be can change that.

Love,
The Booming Voice of Experience

Seeing as you both have 'bad associations' with marriage, neither of you should be getting civil partnered either. They're near enough the same thing.

It's hardly nonsense to prioritise his son's feelings.

There's no material difference between the two but I would be declining this. He wants to be married to you without the name marriage. He doesn't want you to tell people you're engaged or getting married or having a wedding - this is unreasonable. This feels like a crappy second choice (no disrespect to anyone in a CP, I don't mean the concept of civil partnership is crappy or a second choice but in this circumstance only) and I wouldn't want that. He needs to have an honest conversation with his son. If he wants to be legally committed to you then his son will grasp the situation eventually if not immediately.

Assuming his son is young enough now to see CP as 'not marriage' what happens when he gets older and realises that his dad basically married OP via the back door whilst pretending he wasn't? How's that going to help their relationship?

The marriage has bad connotations for him sounds so off, it sounds like hes saying he wants you to know he’s in this for the long haul but he’s secretly afraid of anything too big if you know what I mean