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Original poster

He proposed (civil partnership), I’m feeling confused

91 replies

Tarantella43 · 18/03/2025 00:44

Have been with DP 3 years, and we have a blended family. He recently asked me if I’d like to form a civil partnership with him. He said not marriage as he’s not religious. I definitely feel he is my life-partner. I said yes, but I think I now feel a bit confused about whether I’d prefer marriage. We’ve hardly told anyone, I think mainly because we haven’t told the kids yet, and we think it’s a bit soon for them — we wouldn’t do the partnership for a while. But the other day I mentioned I’d told my best friend that we’d got engaged. DP said it’s not marriage, and that he’d have to be careful with his (8 year old) son as he promised him he’d never re-marry, but that hopefully a civil partnership would be easier for his son (!). He also said he’d got bad associations with marriage, after his first marriage. I am totally on board with being sensitive to his son, but if civil partnership is not really being seen as marriage then I’m not sure it’s for me. I also have bad associations with marriage. But part of me wants marriage, part of me thinks civil partnership may be a good idea as an alternative, and another part of me feels our relationship and commitment is what I really value, and do we need to take a legal step? Feeling a bit confused, though I was genuinely really happy when DP first suggested civil partnership. I have to say too, I’m a bit of a romantic and would like a bit more in the way of romance and celebration surrounding the decision itself, for example I did see it as getting engaged and did feel that should be celebrated. Thoughts?

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 19/03/2025 07:09

I think it’s odd to say that he married his ex-wife so he should do the same for OP. His marriage clearly didn’t work out so he’s trying something different. Romance is all well and good but after going through one divorce, it’s fair enough to have a less rosy eyed idea of just doing it again all the same. As a PP said, it’s about partnership and that’s a meaningful thing and just as much commitment. Wanting to tell people you’re engaged shouldn’t be such a big factor. OP admits she's confused anyway and goes from wanting romance of marriage (bit late after families already blended) to not wanting to marry at all. Plus the son issues. Feels like civil partnership might be a good option but both partners (and kids too) sound like they’d benefit from more time and clear communication to consider all the options properly.

Stillslowly · 19/03/2025 07:16

I think he’s a coward and an idiot if he thinks ‘oh no son, it’s not a marriage, it’s a civil partnership!’ Is going to cut it with his son.

He needs to stop and think what his son was actually fearful of when he asked his Dad not to remarry ( clue! It wasn’t the historical and social standing of marriage vs civil partnership!) and address that.

TBH, if his idea of addressing his son’s concerns is to try snd trick him with this technicality, I’d worry about his suitability as a life partner. It doesn’t reflect well on his character, his respect for the perspectives and concerns of others or his intelligence.

Reddog1 · 19/03/2025 07:37

The civil partnership route is valid but it won’t fool his son. Or if it does, the child will realise in a year or two that marriage and c/p are two cheeks of the same arse when it comes to legalities and commitment.

As it happens I don’t think he should’ve made that promise to his son. I can understand why he did it in the turmoil of divorce but it was the wrong move. However, c/p isn’t the way to deal with that mistake.

Are you and OH living together? Do you all enjoy your time together when stepson visits? If your stepson is ok with all that he may be ok with the rest of it.

SheridansPortSalut · 19/03/2025 07:44

It's not even a promise to an 8 year old... He made the promise a few years ago. The kid must have been 5 or 6. He might not feel the same now or might not even remember the conversation.

Original poster
Tarantella43 · 19/03/2025 09:58

@pinkdelight Yes, I agree, more time and clear communication is what we need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tarantella43 · 19/03/2025 10:13

@Reddog1

Yes, we all live together, my two bio kids whom we have 100% of time, DP’s son whom we have 3 nights per week. I would say all of the family relationships are going well. But obvs it’s hard for my stepson that when he is with his mum, his Dad is with my kids without him. He has been clear he doesn’t want another mum. I’ve tried to be sensitive to this and to be friendly, accessible and respectful without acting like I’m his mum. SS and I are getting in well. He says to his Dad that he likes me. Talking more to DP about it, I don’t think the promise to his son not to remarry is the main reason for civil partnership— I think the main reason is for us to formalise our commitment to each other, while feeling that we are doing something a bit different to marriage, after our previous failed marriages to our ex’s, and his horrible divorce. My concern is that while CP does have a different cultural history, it is effectively the same kind of commitment unless it’s being seen as “less” in some way, which I wouldn’t want. I think that if he’d asked me if I’d like to get married, I would have felt some qualms linked to my previous experience of marriage, but I wouldn’t have concerns about what DP wants, which I think I do now, maybe . My concern is is he actually ambivalent about marriage, in which case CP is not the answer either.

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 19/03/2025 10:13

A building near me does weddings and civil partnerships, and they're the same really (as you say, legally they are just the same in the UK). On the day people make them into whatever they want, choose their own wording, no reason there can't be a religious element here, have big groups of family and friends with them or just witnesses, wear whatever they like. I get that your DP wants to commit to you while doing something new rather than repeating something that didn't work for him. I think it just needs a lot of thought and discussion about what would be fantastic for the two of you and when would be the right time to do it. If he's basing it all around a conversation with his son, then it's too early IMO.

Thisistyresome · 19/03/2025 10:36

ElizaDolittle4321 · 19/03/2025 03:49

  1. Civil partnership is an equal commitment to marriage in legal terms. I’d want to make sure we are both seeing it as such,

It's clearly not, otherwise there would not be TWO separate things. There would be no distinction. 'Civil partnership' does not confer the rights, responsibility or security of MARRIAGE. If it did, they wouldn't exist concurrently. The fact they both exist and are different is proof they are not the same.

Don't accept it. Say you want marriage or split up. Force his hand. 'Civil partnership' but no legal rights and protections and status of marriage is fucking INSULTING! As I said, push for a registry wedding or nothing. Don't accept less than the real thing. Tell him you want nothing less and won't settle for a cheap insulting imitation. He either wants to marriage you, or he leaves. Any man who would offer to 'civil partnership' me would be told to fuck off and get the fuck out of my house right now. Know your worth. If he doesn't want to lose you he will choose the right one - marriage. If he doesn't, you'll know he never loved you.

Edited
Show quote history

Errr, have you ever tried doing research before? The legal status only differs based upon the names. The legal rights such as survivor benefits and how you split each up are the same. Institutions recognise them as interchangeable.

CPs are not inferior to Marriages, they are just different labels. It is fine for anyone to prefer either.

outerspacepotato · 19/03/2025 10:48

The problem is he promised his young son a lifelong no marriage rule and that was inappropriate to say the least. Now he wants a civil partnership in lieu of marriage so he can weasel around that.

Why doesn't he just sit down with his son and talk about this? I think he was wrong to make a lifelong promise to a young boy about his own romantic life. Is the promise to his son a sort of excuse to never marry OP? Or is the son going to see it as a way to get around his dad's self imposed no marriage ever promise?

It also depends if OP would rather be married or in a cp.

This is an odd one. CP and marriage grant the same under the law, it's just using different words for the same thing.

Velmy · 19/03/2025 11:35

YourLuckyPearlGoose · 18/03/2025 18:46

Not to his dad.

Show quote history

Then his dad needs to grow up.

ThisLimeShaker · 21/03/2025 08:41

outerspacepotato · 19/03/2025 10:48

The problem is he promised his young son a lifelong no marriage rule and that was inappropriate to say the least. Now he wants a civil partnership in lieu of marriage so he can weasel around that.

Why doesn't he just sit down with his son and talk about this? I think he was wrong to make a lifelong promise to a young boy about his own romantic life. Is the promise to his son a sort of excuse to never marry OP? Or is the son going to see it as a way to get around his dad's self imposed no marriage ever promise?

It also depends if OP would rather be married or in a cp.

This is an odd one. CP and marriage grant the same under the law, it's just using different words for the same thing.

Nah parents change their mind when they want to change their mind. Nothing to do with the son.

My dad said he'd never move away, never get married. He's now 500 miles away and doing a civil partnership. Was I consulted, was I eck.

ThisLimeShaker · 21/03/2025 08:45

Think also divorce is just plain stressful so not wanting to marry again is best way to avoid the scenario. Can take a long time and a lot of change to change a mind as its tied up with emotions. Civil partnership is maybe the compromise but brings same legal protections I think so why not. Further down the line....have a ceremony to celebrate ten years or something. Son will be older more mature too.

SandyY2K · 21/03/2025 08:49

I'd decline his civil partnership suggestion on reflection.

Giving his child who was 5 at the time this assurance is ridiculous.
He says he's not religious, but marriage isn't about religion.

Kitchensinktoday · 21/03/2025 13:58

Nah parents change their mind when they want to change their mind. Nothing to do with the son.

Good point

tillyandmilly · 21/03/2025 14:02

Civil Partnerships have the same legalities and rights as marriage - without the religious bit - I had a civil partnership as I did not want any fuss and only invited 2 people as witnesses - you can make it as fancy as you want music - dressing up - guests etc and have a lovely do afterwards -

Springhassprungthesunisout · 21/03/2025 14:24

The issue is really the unwise promise DP made his DS (presumably at a difficult and emotional time) and not wishing to upset him further by marrying you and formalising your relationship. Perhaps the DS harbours a hope his DPs will get back together again if your DP remains unmarried? Or maybe DP is suggesting a civil partnership to you because he's not 100% sure about his feelings for you? Has his exW remarried or got a partner? How does his DS get on with them?

You both need to sit down and have a calm chat about your future and agree what you BOTH really want moving forward. If you can't agree then you need to think hard about next steps.

caringcarer · 21/03/2025 15:52

MsDogLady · 18/03/2025 03:32

It’s mind-boggling that he gave a 5 or 6 year old that kind of power. Does he obey him in other ways?

This.

Werthering · 21/03/2025 16:01

tillyandmilly · 21/03/2025 14:02

Civil Partnerships have the same legalities and rights as marriage - without the religious bit - I had a civil partnership as I did not want any fuss and only invited 2 people as witnesses - you can make it as fancy as you want music - dressing up - guests etc and have a lovely do afterwards -

Same here. The literal only difference as far as I remember is that for a CP you don't have to say anything, and can just sign (which we did). Everything else about the day is up to you either way and the legal rights are the same. I still call my partner my partner when referring to him as others but notice other people (who know we have a CP, not everyone does and broderie of us wear rings) call him my husband. I think most people DGAF about others' legal relationship status.

Werthering · 21/03/2025 16:09

My CP and I would have loved to do it via online form 😂We both hate being the centre of attention and avoided marriage because of all the pomp/ceremony/history/expectations. After 20+ years we just wanted the legal protection and I'm glad we could do that.

HenDoNot · 21/03/2025 16:17

FarFromtheMadders · 18/03/2025 06:04

Who has the most to loose financially if you were to dissolve the civil partnership?
If it’s you, I’d be a bit cynical about his motivations for a legal set up where he’s entitled to half your assets without having to publicly claim you’re his wife.

This.

I’ll bet OP is the one with all the assets and it’s him that’s moved into her house.

ItTook9Years · 21/03/2025 16:25

I thought there was a significant difference in that it’s a whole
lot easier to end a CP. You don’t need a divorce etc.

Married 20+ years but I’d have preferred a CP had they been available to straight couples then. We did the least fancy version of the civil ceremony that we could.

burnoutbabe · 21/03/2025 16:31

I thought the main legal difference is that adultery isn’t a reason for dissolution (and was for divorce, May have changed recently)

Having to go through life saying no not my husband, my civil partner would get old quickly if that’s what he insists on.

but if he is happy to say your his wife /spouse and you’d be doing a very low key ceremony/party either way (and you are happy with that even if it was marriage) then why not?

Werthering · 21/03/2025 16:31

ItTook9Years · 21/03/2025 16:25

I thought there was a significant difference in that it’s a whole
lot easier to end a CP. You don’t need a divorce etc.

Married 20+ years but I’d have preferred a CP had they been available to straight couples then. We did the least fancy version of the civil ceremony that we could.

I don't think it's easier https://www.gov.uk/end-civil-partnership
I think historically the reasons needed to end a CP might have been different/easier (I could be wrong) but not now there are no fault divorces. It's a legal process either way.

End a civil partnership

Check you can end your civil partnership, agree or disagree with an application, what to do if your partner lacks mental capacity

https://www.gov.uk/end-civil-partnership

YellowGuido · 21/03/2025 16:41

Sounds like bio mum has done a number on your SS around ‘second parents’, ‘second families’, etc…

SandyY2K · 21/03/2025 19:53

tillyandmilly · 21/03/2025 14:02

Civil Partnerships have the same legalities and rights as marriage - without the religious bit - I had a civil partnership as I did not want any fuss and only invited 2 people as witnesses - you can make it as fancy as you want music - dressing up - guests etc and have a lovely do afterwards -

Getting married at a registry office isn't about religion. It's just a legality.

He doesn't want a wife. Nothing to do with religion.

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