He proposed (civil partnership), I’m feeling confused

[Tarantella43]

Have been with DP 3 years, and we have a blended family. He recently asked me if I’d like to form a civil partnership with him. He said not marriage as he’s not religious. I definitely feel he is my life-partner. I said yes, but I think I now feel a bit confused about whether I’d prefer marriage. We’ve hardly told anyone, I think mainly because we haven’t told the kids yet, and we think it’s a bit soon for them — we wouldn’t do the partnership for a while. But the other day I mentioned I’d told my best friend that we’d got engaged. DP said it’s not marriage, and that he’d have to be careful with his (8 year old) son as he promised him he’d never re-marry, but that hopefully a civil partnership would be easier for his son (!). He also said he’d got bad associations with marriage, after his first marriage. I am totally on board with being sensitive to his son, but if civil partnership is not really being seen as marriage then I’m not sure it’s for me. I also have bad associations with marriage. But part of me wants marriage, part of me thinks civil partnership may be a good idea as an alternative, and another part of me feels our relationship and commitment is what I really value, and do we need to take a legal step? Feeling a bit confused, though I was genuinely really happy when DP first suggested civil partnership. I have to say too, I’m a bit of a romantic and would like a bit more in the way of romance and celebration surrounding the decision itself, for example I did see it as getting engaged and did feel that should be celebrated. Thoughts?

Happy enough to live with you quickly but suddenly has a promise to his son re not marrying?
He thinks you are a bit of a mug OP if he thinks you will fall for that.

Really unromantic … I don’t know how I’d feel about this … sounds more like a contract tbh.

Marriage is literally a contract. :-/

Civil partnerships and marriage, in a registry office offer the same in the eyes of the law. Marriages are ended by divorce and civil partnerships are ended by dissolution.

from what I can read the only difference is what you call it. You’re married or in a civil partnership - both are pretty much the same. Tbh if it’s just in the name then you call it marriage and he calls it a civil partnership

Right! Why don’t people understand this simple concept ???!

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/marriage-and-civil-partnership-in-england-and-wales

Legal similarities and differences between marriage and civil partnership

I know right! I'm so confused by this - and slightly concerned by how many people have the Disney romantic view of marriage.

By all means two people who love each other first and foremost, but the marriage (or civil partnership) is just the legal part.

Unless you're particularly religious and marriage mattered for that reason.

I’ve been through a civil partnership dissolution and it’s exactly the same process as a divorce- just as expensive and stressful.

He shouldn’t have made that promise to an eight year old for starters.

1. First he says does not want to get married because he is "not religious". Strange reason, but okay
2. Then he says he does not want to get married because he promised his son he wouldn't
3. Then he says he does not want to get married because has bad experiences with marriage.

I wonder which one it is or perhaps it's all three, although the first does not make any sense as plenty of people get married who are not religious either.

He may not be religious but he still managed to marry his first wife?

Personally I wish Civil Partnership had been an option for me decades ago when I got married. The patriarchal baggage of marriage isn't great and a civil partnership can be an appropriate choice. However I don't think it's the right choice for you, and I don't think you should accept this, and should end the relationship.

This man weaselling out of a promise he would never remarry by suggesting CP instead is such a huge red flag that it would make me not want to be in a relationship with him. Although I don't think it's a reasonable promise to make to a child, his actions tell you two things - firstly that when he makes a promise he will have no problem breaking it if he can find a slippery technicality in the exact wording. Secondly, that he regards CP as a lower level of commitment than marriage.

I think that legally CP and marriage have pretty much the same effect. I think I recall reading that the main difference is that you can't cite adultery as a reason for ending a CP as you can with divorce, but that seems irrelevant to me because if you get to that point in either marriage or CP the partnership is broken either way, and it's solely a difference in the technicallies of clearing away the mess.

Nevertheless, you should be unmerging your families and going your separate ways now. You don't need a legal commitment to a man in order to be happy, but a halfhearted fingers-crossed-behind-the-back semicommittment from a man who doesn't think he is promising much and will find a way to weasel out of it if it becomes inconvenient to him isn't something you should settle for.

Yes, this is true, unfortunately.

This'll be it.

So the problem of the legal protection etc is sorted as both partnerships have the same legal protection.

But the what you call yourself matters. You would like to be a 'wife' and be 'married' and your partners son really doesn't want him to be anyone's 'husband.' Your husband was silly for making this promise. He basically needs to choose which person he upsets more and the consequences of up setting them will be what makes him decide.

I agree

Yes agree