He proposed (civil partnership), I’m feeling confused

[Tarantella43]

Have been with DP 3 years, and we have a blended family. He recently asked me if I’d like to form a civil partnership with him. He said not marriage as he’s not religious. I definitely feel he is my life-partner. I said yes, but I think I now feel a bit confused about whether I’d prefer marriage. We’ve hardly told anyone, I think mainly because we haven’t told the kids yet, and we think it’s a bit soon for them — we wouldn’t do the partnership for a while. But the other day I mentioned I’d told my best friend that we’d got engaged. DP said it’s not marriage, and that he’d have to be careful with his (8 year old) son as he promised him he’d never re-marry, but that hopefully a civil partnership would be easier for his son (!). He also said he’d got bad associations with marriage, after his first marriage. I am totally on board with being sensitive to his son, but if civil partnership is not really being seen as marriage then I’m not sure it’s for me. I also have bad associations with marriage. But part of me wants marriage, part of me thinks civil partnership may be a good idea as an alternative, and another part of me feels our relationship and commitment is what I really value, and do we need to take a legal step? Feeling a bit confused, though I was genuinely really happy when DP first suggested civil partnership. I have to say too, I’m a bit of a romantic and would like a bit more in the way of romance and celebration surrounding the decision itself, for example I did see it as getting engaged and did feel that should be celebrated. Thoughts?

He is offering you something he sees as watered down and asking you to essentially portray it to his son and others as meaningless. But you don't see it as meaningless.

Who has the most to loose financially if you were to dissolve the civil partnership?
If it’s you, I’d be a bit cynical about his motivations for a legal set up where he’s entitled to half your assets without having to publicly claim you’re his wife.

Marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s a legal agreement first and foremost not something romantic with “pomp and ceremony”. Can you afford to lose half your savings to this bloke? Half your house? Is it worth the risk. Because that’s the reality you are facing when you get married. Personally I’d run a mile from some bloke wanting to marry me! But each to their own.

I agree with this

Thanks for the responses. I think I’m feeling the following various things:

1. Civil partnership is an equal commitment to marriage in legal terms. I’d want to make sure we are both seeing it as such,

2. I would want to celebrate either civil partnership or marriage through sharing with friends and family, and at least having a party after the ceremony even if we didn’t have a “wedding” with friends & family present. DP hates weddings.

3. Totally agree that while being sensitive to the children is important, getting around DP’s promise to his son that he wouldn’t remarry on the technicality that it’s civil partnership is unfair to his son and unfair to me,

4. I think I do fear that it may be a commitment issue with DP to suggest civil partnership, as if it means something lesser.
   Then again, it’s not as if I’d ever said I want to get married, so why propose anything at all if he has a commitment issue? To clarify: I do feel he’s committed to me, but I do think he has trust issues as he’s been badly mistreated in the past.

Yes, we’d certainly have chosen a civil partnership if it had been an option for straight people when we married — I felt far more strongly about it than DH. I imagine the ceremonies would have been more or less identical, and the legalities ditto, I simply didn’t want the patriarchal baggage of marriage.

Civil partnerships don’t involve filling in an online form. You still go in person to the Registry Office and can have as much, or as little, ceremony/fuss/ guests as you want.

Yep, the form is basically the same if you don't want anything religious. There are people who've had extravaganza CPs in stately homes, especially before same sex marriage came in. They both come with baggage, so unless you have a particular need for something that'll be recognised more globally, it's simply a question of which you prefer.

On OPs broader point, I don't know that I'd feel comfortable in a relationship where I was expected to essentially downplay our commitment to each other because of a promise made to a child whose age means they can't possibly understand the issue. I don't know that it matters much whether it's a civil partnership or marriage, in that respect. Which isn't to blame the 8 year old either. It's not his fault he's too young to understand and DP was stupid to promise.

And not to his son

This.

women usually come out of divorce with more assets, due to having children.

how is the financial balance in the relationship? Who would lose half their house in a split?

He's got trust issues... This is his problem - you haven't done anything to mean he oughtn't trust you. He's spinning a yarn to his son. Where will this leave you and DC financially whilst civily partnered and if you split up?

...and the fact that his son said, when he first learned about me a few years ago, that his Dad must never remarry and his Dad (unwisely, perhaps) said that he wouldn’t
What bloody nonsense!!! Who promises a 3/4 year old (as he would have been) not to marry again! What a load of crap!!! He doesn't want to marry you just keep you around for childcare

Hmmm, I thought the same

This is pretty much what I think. I'm a lesbian and I didn't want a civil partnership at the time when it was considered to be the gay equivalent of marriage. Yes, it's the same in terms of legal commitments and protections, but both marriage and civil partnerships are primarily public ways of defining your relationship and therefore what they mean symbolically, including to other people, is an intrinsic part of what you're signing up for.

So it may not be a commitment issue to DP necessarily, more a recognition that 'marriage' means something specific that hasn't worked for him, while civil partnership is an equal commitment that doesn't carry the same baggage. But the issue of trying to pass it off as not-marriage to his son seems more of a concern, as does what you want from the relationship, OP.

I’m not sure I’d want to marry someone who makes ridiculous promises to a small child. What difference would it make to the child, on a day-to-day basis, if you’re married??

If you married then to me you did it meaning your vows, ie till death do us part. So I'd go for a civil partnership instead if I wanted to come together legally.

I chose to be in a civil partnership for the legal protections but I am not keen on the tradition of marriage and the connotations that two people belong to each other.

Not to his dad.

1. Civil partnership is an equal commitment to marriage in legal terms. I’d want to make sure we are both seeing it as such,

It's clearly not, otherwise there would not be TWO separate things. There would be no distinction. 'Civil partnership' does not confer the rights, responsibility or security of MARRIAGE. If it did, they wouldn't exist concurrently. The fact they both exist and are different is proof they are not the same.

Don't accept it. Say you want marriage or split up. Force his hand. 'Civil partnership' but no legal rights and protections and status of marriage is fucking INSULTING! As I said, push for a registry wedding or nothing. Don't accept less than the real thing. Tell him you want nothing less and won't settle for a cheap insulting imitation. He either wants to marriage you, or he leaves. Any man who would offer to 'civil partnership' me would be told to fuck off and get the fuck out of my house right now. Know your worth. If he doesn't want to lose you he will choose the right one - marriage. If he doesn't, you'll know he never loved you.

A man "being held to ransom" by an 8-year-old?! No thanks.

@ElizaDolittle4321 Civil partnership absolutely does confer the rights, responsibilities and security of marriage.

The reason it exists concurrently with marriage is that there are lots of couples joined in civil partnership, whose status would be under question if it were withdrawn. Plus, as seen above, a fair few people object to marriage for its cultural history and still-common associations with a lower status of 'wife'.

I was really surprised when XH2, during one of his revealing rants, informed me he wanted "to be married". No idea why - he evidently didn't like being married to me! It's not something I've ever felt but, as it does matter that much to some people, OP should refuse the proposal she feels is inadequate.

If you do go for it then you make a will at the same time. That would be my proviso.

‘Legally the same’ and ‘actually the same’ are very different.

If I spent the day at the French Embassy in London, legally I’ve been in France all day, but it’s hardly fucking Paris is it!

You deserve the real Paris OP.

Civil partnership and marriage confer exactly the same legal rights. I’ve never heard anyone introduce their partner as “this is my civil partner”. They said “this is my wife/husband”. So that leaves the promise to the son as the reason. If that IS the reason, it’s a stupid one because when the son is old enough to appreciate the first point I’ve made, he will not think “my dad promised he wouldn’t re-marry and he didn’t”, he’ll think his dad promised not to re-marry but he did.

^This!