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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the end because DH hates our sex life

107 replies

Obviouslyclueless · 16/03/2025 08:19

Not sure if this is the right place to post but I'll give it a go

Dh and I have had a massive argument as he hates our sex life. Says its boring. He could do so much better elsewhere etc and it's all my fault

In all honesty sex isn't the important thing to me. Would rather have a cuddle and fall asleep like that. We do generally do the same things most of the time. He tries to introduce new things (toys, porn etc) all of which I'm not interested in

We have 2 young children, both work full time and have busy lives

He moans if I am wfh and he has finished work before me (works 6-1 most days) and I won't come out of the office space to join him in bed

Moans that during the week we don't get a lot of time to do anything when he's up at 5am and u don't have to be up until 6am

Constantly tells me I'm fat and he coukd do so much better, the kids (9 & 3) have also started making comments about me being fat as well.

Just feeling very lost right now

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/03/2025 08:22

I'd say it's the end because he's a horrible human being with zero respect for you and he's damaging your kids and your relationship with them.

Tgfh · 16/03/2025 08:24

Please contact Women's aid for advice and support.
You are being abused by him.
Coercive sex is a crime of rape, are you aware of this.
You need to get support for domestic abuse.

He sounds like a complete pig.
I am so sorry.
Have you family or friends to tell the truth about him to, and to get support from?

SpinningTops · 16/03/2025 08:24

He sounds horrible. It’s not surprising you don’t want to have sex with someone who calls you fat!!

I feel you would be happier without him. And I very much doubt he could do better elsewhere.

BellissimoGecko · 16/03/2025 08:25

Well, if he wants more sex, telling you you’re fat and he could do much better isn’t the best way to go about it. 🙄

He sounds as if he has lost all respect for you, and he is passing on that disrespect to your dc, which is unforgivable. Do you want to be married to a man who treats you like this?

How much does he parent, do housework, share the parenting load with you?

Why does he get up at 5 and finish work at 1? What does he do after that?

PlumTiger · 16/03/2025 08:25

Please don't waste any more of your precious life. He does not love you. It will be an upheaval but you cannot put up with this.

Twinkletoes10 · 16/03/2025 08:27

What an complete and utter gent (not)
The absolute gall of him saying these things to you. The fact that your dc are picking up on his disrespectful behaviour is unforgiveable. Calling people fat is disgusting, your children need to know this before they end up the same way. That man has no respect for you or your children. Ltb.

BelleSauvage9 · 16/03/2025 08:27

I’m overweight and feel horrible about it. If my partner called me fat there would be absolutely no coming back from that for me. Fucking horrendous that your kids have heard this enough to start saying it too. Seriously, ltb! Tell him if he can do so much better than go and do so the absolute wanker. You’ll have a happier life without him, I assure you.

Zimunya · 16/03/2025 08:27

If he wants more / different sex he needs to concentrate on making it enjoyable for you. Once it’s a pleasurable experience you’ll be more willing to make time for it. But, as PP says, he is being awful. He’s showing you a total lack of respect and appreciation - and that’s nothing to do with you (or your figure!) and everything to do with him.

category12 · 16/03/2025 08:28

Constantly tells me I'm fat and he coukd do so much better, the kids (9 & 3) have also started making comments about me being fat as well

Divorce him. Best way to lose 13 stone.

He's horrible to you. Wjy would anyone want to experiment sexually with someone who treats them like that? No-one would.

You could diet to change if you wanted to, but whatever he does, he'll still be a fucking arsehole.

TreesWelliesKnees · 16/03/2025 08:28

This is abuse, OP. It needs to be the end, not because of what he thinks of your sex life but because of how he treats you. It's awful, and your kids are picking up on it too.

FusionChefGeoff · 16/03/2025 08:28

You don’t need to do anything in bed that you don’t want to do.

so ultimately you need to try to have a grown up conversation (which sounds difficult with him as he sounds like a sulky man child) and explain that you don’t enjoy the things he is suggesting and if he genuinely can’t get used to what you’ve currently got then yes, he needs to go and find it elsewhere.

is there anything that you might be interested in trying? Any fantasies or ideas that turn you on? You could suggest that but ONLY if YOU want to.

You also need to tell him in no uncertain terms to knock off the personal insults and if he carries on like that, it shows that he clearly has no respect and the marriage has effectively run its course I’m afraid.

He sounds like a twat - but I’d give him a proper chance with a very serious sit down so he knows just how close to ending things you are. He will either be horrified to see his behaviour reflected back (unlikely given what you’ve said) or will shrug it off and you have your answer.

Devon1987 · 16/03/2025 08:30

I’d be feeling utter rage right now, how dare he disrespect you like this. You are his wife and the other of his children. If he thinks he can do better elsewhere, then crack on and give you a divorce.
What nasty bully of a man. Don’t like your kids think this is acceptable behaviour.

pearbottomjeans · 16/03/2025 08:31

Constantly tells me I'm fat and he coukd do so much better, the kids (9 & 3) have also started making comments about me being fat as well.

What an odd way to try and get somebody to sleep with you more. Wouldn’t be my chosen tactic!

He’s vile and it’s rubbing off on your kids. You don’t want to sleep with him so absolutely do not. But I’d say the sex life is the least of your concerns.

olympicsrock · 16/03/2025 08:33

LTB - why on earth would you want to have sec with someone who makes you feel like this. He is abusive

Hazel665 · 16/03/2025 08:35

If he thinks he can do better elsewhere, then he can leave and go find it. Get rid of him, it won't get any better for you.

Channellingsophistication · 16/03/2025 08:37

What a vile man! Pretty crap seduction technique telling you you are fat and he could do better! He is abusive and coercive. He is emotionally damaging your DC by behaving in this way. Divorce sounds like a good solution.

GreyCarpet · 16/03/2025 08:38

is there anything that you might be interested in trying? Any fantasies or ideas that turn you on? You could suggest that but ONLY if YOU want to.

There probably is but I wouldn't want to be doing anything with someone who told me I was fat and they could do better. Would you?

MaryMary05 · 16/03/2025 08:41

It is you who can do so much better. Are you in a position to tell him to leave?

DustyLee123 · 16/03/2025 08:42

He’s a sex pest who is trying to manipulate you. Send him packing.

Original poster
Obviouslyclueless · 16/03/2025 08:46

Thanks everyone for the replies, they have been helpful

He has also been saying that i .are him do everything around thr house (he cooks dinner on the days wr have dinner which is about 3 times a week due to various school activites) and I cook a Sunday dinner. He will also hoover but everything else, washing, dishwasher loading and emptying, I do all school and nursery drop offs, and will split pick ups. All house admin, bills etc are left to me as well as dentist/doctor appointments etc

I had some anxiety issues after having our first and he's told all our family i was ill with post natal anxiety, I saw a therapist and was told I was basically adjusting to being a first time mum and that was completely normal but if I so much as say something that he thinks is over parenting he'll accuse me of being ill again

He can go away fot weekends at a time with mates for football (he was away last weekend for 3 days in Spain for a football match) but if I want to stay late or go with work friends one night a week I get told I'm out too much

He also hates the fact I love my job and if I dare to do anything work related outside of hours that's a massive argument

OP posts:
Beyondthewindowsill555 · 16/03/2025 08:49

The real issue here is not your sex life op.
It’s your dh’s disrespectful, charmless, selfish, behaviour. Who would want to have sex with him honestly?

Next time he says “I can do better elsewhere” I would say “so can I” and ltb!

Sex appeal and desire come from a place where both parties feel confident and empowered about themselves. Your dh is doing the opposite to you; he is literally a turn off.

If you want to continue the relationship, you need to get baby-sitters, and go somewhere outside of the domestic setting and tell him in no uncertain terms what you will and will not accept. This is not a “please don’t do this as it is making me feeling shite” conversation, it’s a “if you disrespect me one more time in front of our dc I am leaving” said with confidence and intent, and then you need to follow through. You shouldn’t have to point this out op really though,

LurkyMcLurkinson · 16/03/2025 08:51

If it is the end it will be a blessing. His behaviour is abusive. He’s destroying your self-esteem because it will make it easier to control you and turn you in to the perfect compliant partner who lets him do what he wants to you and lives to serve/please him. Your children will grow up thinking relationships like this are normal and end up in similar relationships. He’s not going to change for the better, it will only get worse.
If the above doesn’t sound like what you want then I’d take the first few steps to trying to change things today. Confide in a trusted friend about EVERYTHING your partner does and sign up for the freedom programme online. You and your children deserve and can have so much better than whatever he offers. Good luck x

AuntAgathaGregson · 16/03/2025 08:51

He sounds like a twat who's been watching too much porn and actually believes that women are like those he sees in porn. Tell him to grow up and get it into his head that they're actresses, and they bear zero resemblance to women in the real world. If he thinks he's going to go out and find women gagging to dress up for him and indulge his fantasies, he'll be sorely disappointed.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 16/03/2025 08:52

This should help you to better understand how you’re being abused.

Is this the end because DH hates our sex life
Lollypop701 · 16/03/2025 08:53

What do you love about this man op?

If my dh ever said he could do better than me I’d tell him to not bang his arse on the way out and make sure the door was locked after he’d left. And I would mean it

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