Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the end because DH hates our sex life

107 replies

Obviouslyclueless · 16/03/2025 08:19

Not sure if this is the right place to post but I'll give it a go

Dh and I have had a massive argument as he hates our sex life. Says its boring. He could do so much better elsewhere etc and it's all my fault

In all honesty sex isn't the important thing to me. Would rather have a cuddle and fall asleep like that. We do generally do the same things most of the time. He tries to introduce new things (toys, porn etc) all of which I'm not interested in

We have 2 young children, both work full time and have busy lives

He moans if I am wfh and he has finished work before me (works 6-1 most days) and I won't come out of the office space to join him in bed

Moans that during the week we don't get a lot of time to do anything when he's up at 5am and u don't have to be up until 6am

Constantly tells me I'm fat and he coukd do so much better, the kids (9 & 3) have also started making comments about me being fat as well.

Just feeling very lost right now

OP posts:
StrawberryDream24 · 16/03/2025 12:31

Women in porn train their arseholes to be fucked because they get paid more that way

And the money still won't compensate for the potential faecal incontinence.

A gynaecologist has actually written an article trying to highlight to women the risks of a anal.sex for women - which are worse than for men - because of anatomy, hormones, north injuries etc etc. because of what she's been seeing.

NeedsMustNet · 16/03/2025 12:33

Also - in whose world are post-first child tiredness or depression and / mental health changes in general things that we accuse and blame people for having? These are some horrible psychological head f* games he is playing with you.

Sashya · 16/03/2025 12:51

@Obviouslyclueless
Money and sex issues are the most common reasons relationships breakdown. So - to answer the question in your OP - yes, it looks like your relationship is in deep trouble.

It is hard to judge any relationship by two posts in MN - and I am sure over the years, yours have undergone a lot of changes. Children also change the couple's dynamics, and often women focus more on the kids and daily grind, and adult relationship with our partners changes (mostly suffers).

Some men seem to take it in their stride, maybe because they are better kind; or they feel powerless; or maybe they simply and quietly meet their needs in some other way. And then there are men like your H - they accumulate resentments, and they come out in arguments, sulking and name calling.

That is though neither here nor there. The situation as it is now is that a fundamental part of your marriage is not working. Porn aside, I'd probably also not enjoy sex if it was always the same, and my partner was "not very interested" and "would rather just had a cuddle".

If the two of you are not willing to work on the relationship - he - in being more respectful and understanding; but you also on figuring out how to get back to a place where you feel better about yourself, and possibly more sensual/sexual - there is really no hope for the the marriage. And you should think about how to start separating your lives.

Original poster
Obviouslyclueless · 16/03/2025 13:54

So in relation to a couple of things

I have tried to meet dh half way. We went through a stage where anything in the bedroom was once or twice a month it's now at least 2-3 times a week but usually at weekends as we are both busy in the week.

However this does mean the second I show any signs of movement on a Saturday morning DH is there 'waiting'

If i do ever suggest anything in the week in the short space of time we have DH then moans it's just a quickie and I never take time in thr week. I have lost count the number of times I've explained I'm usually trying to duck out between calls so he either takes the 30 minutes or not

He thinks I'm too soft on the children and don't discipline enough, I on the other hand am of the mentality of pick my battles and if one of them doesn't want finish their ice cream after dinner I'm not getting would up over it. I have food and body issues from being forced to eat when I didn't want to and won't do the same to them. However they do know if they misbehave there are consequences (no TV/tablet time etc)

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 16/03/2025 13:57

I’m sorry, OP, he sounds absolutely horrible and the kids are picking up on it too.

Secondstart1001 · 16/03/2025 13:59

Wow you are even offering sex in the day time between work to keep him happy and he still complains! You are still having sex 2-3 times a week albeit it’s a weekend but he seems to be oblivious to your needs or kids needs.
You already have issues relating to food for your childhood and his comments will add to it if they haven’t already! Seek some counselling for yourself as a starting basis.

Sashya · 16/03/2025 14:04

Obviouslyclueless · 16/03/2025 13:54

So in relation to a couple of things

I have tried to meet dh half way. We went through a stage where anything in the bedroom was once or twice a month it's now at least 2-3 times a week but usually at weekends as we are both busy in the week.

However this does mean the second I show any signs of movement on a Saturday morning DH is there 'waiting'

If i do ever suggest anything in the week in the short space of time we have DH then moans it's just a quickie and I never take time in thr week. I have lost count the number of times I've explained I'm usually trying to duck out between calls so he either takes the 30 minutes or not

He thinks I'm too soft on the children and don't discipline enough, I on the other hand am of the mentality of pick my battles and if one of them doesn't want finish their ice cream after dinner I'm not getting would up over it. I have food and body issues from being forced to eat when I didn't want to and won't do the same to them. However they do know if they misbehave there are consequences (no TV/tablet time etc)

This puts a different spin on it all. And it does seem you are trying.
Have you, or you as a couple considered couples counselling?

I know divorce is hard and we tend to be really scared to "do it to our children". Remembering myself, I certainly was, when kids were smaller and I felt that no matter what I tried, my exH didn't think it was enough.
My now almost grown children tell me now, that we should have divorced a lot sooner, as they see us much happier as separated parents.

How do you feel about potentially separating? Do you think you want to continue trying or start planning your life without him? Was he ever a better partner than he currently is?

Addictedtowotsits · 16/03/2025 14:04

First post I had some sympathy towards your husband - by the time I got to this little nugget:

"However this does mean the second I show any signs of movement on a Saturday morning DH is there 'waiting'" - this doesn't sit right with me.

Sex isn't a thing you 'give'. It's a thing you share. For the sake of your marriage your husband needs to remember this

Sodthesystem · 16/03/2025 14:10

If my partner called me fat and told me he could do better, he'd be my ex before he could blink.

He's abusive and it's terrifying that even your kids have picked up on it.

You need to divorce and make it clear to your children that it's because how he spoke to you was not ok and we never treat partners that way. Otherwise your kids will be growing up thinking abuse is ok.

IDontDrinkTea · 16/03/2025 14:12

Surely you’d be happier without him? He sounds awful

BellissimoGecko · 16/03/2025 14:14

Your updates make him sound even worse. When do YOU get to do what you want, instead of him jumping on you for sex all the time??

Bin him off. You deserve so much better.

WallaceinAnderland · 16/03/2025 15:06

He sounds hideous. How will you ever meet someone who loves and respects you if you stick around with this loser? Don't waste your life OP.

thepariscrimefiles · 16/03/2025 18:13

He sounds truly horrible. He doesn't like you being nice to the children and he expects you to have sex while you are working. Oh, and he calls you fat and now the kids are saying it.

Just get rid of him OP. Your kids will thank you for it.

unsync · 16/03/2025 18:40

If he thinks he can do better, let him. Quite frankly, he sounds horrible. It's all about him and what he wants, where are you in all of this? You and your children deserve better than this and I suspect the reason you posted is that deep down, you know this too.

Missj25 · 16/03/2025 18:46

You know I always ALWAYS would advise couples therapy for couples having issues …
Not this time though OP …
He’s a nasty human ..
He should be fucking ashamed of his life of himself that his children are calling their mother fat because of him & how he speaks to you 😔
Please , wherever you find the strength , will you leave this Prick , you’ll never look back ….
It’s not just that ye are not suited , he is not suited to anyone ..
Sorry to hear your children have him as a father x x

Redfred00 · 16/03/2025 18:56

He's a nasty, abusive, built. I wouldntvwant to have sex or be intimate with him either. Honestly, I think you'd feel so much better about yourself if you ditched him and worked on your own self esteem. Also,tell the kids that it's unkind to talk about people's bodies everything the make a comment.

DrummingMousWife · 16/03/2025 18:58

“Actually I think I can do better than you, you are free to leave …”
then start packing his stuff. What a horrible man.

Sassybooklover · 16/03/2025 19:06

No woman is going to want to have sex with a man, who constantly moans, blames her for anything wrong in the relationship, tells her he can do better, calls her names and has now influenced their own children to call her names too. If he wants sex, does he not think he's going about it all the wrong way? He sounds dreadful. I honestly don't know what he's trying to achieve? Other than to erode away any self-confidence or self-esteem you may have. Does he actually think his behaviour is going to shame you or somehow make you want to have sex with him???? You need to tell him straight, he's a disrespectful prick, and that his behaviour will be the quickest way for you to never have sex with him again. I couldn't stay with a man who behaves like this, it's just awful. You deserve better.

Kdubs1981 · 16/03/2025 19:14

Honestly? Yes it’s the end. He’s abusive. LTB

StrawberryDream24 · 16/03/2025 19:20

Some posters appear to be missing the fact that this man is an abuser.

Questioning the op, telling her ok ow they can see she's trying ..... WtAF?

No non abuser would be saying the things he's saying.

But you make the op expand in how he's being unreasonable and kindly agree ..... Some posters maybe need to find a new hobby. Caused they're shit at dealing with an obvious victim of abuse.

StrawberryDream24 · 16/03/2025 19:25

He sounds like a porn sick, sex pest, abuser- who's busy looking around him thinking he can get another woman easily (I doubt it would be as easy as he thinks to get what he wants) and happy enough to tell he's looking - to your face too.

You can't fix that kind of entitlement and arrogance, selfishness and lack of integrity.

Disrespecting the mother of his children in front of them .....

You can't fix what he is.

Let him go and try and get what he thinks he's entitled to.

He'll have to do it while splitting assets 50-50 and paying 12% plus of his salary in child maintenance (unless he looks after the kids at least half the overnights in a year).

You can get 85% of your childcare paid for your working hours if you qualify for any UC ... Which it might be worth qualifying for be reducing hours for a while.

You'll manage. You won't have to deal with that abuser. Having sex you don't really want to have with someone who calls you fat and says he can get better than you.

(I don't know how you do it. I couldn't touch him. I don't feel like he could have your true consent).

(Also that amount of sex is a huge amount for working people with young kids...crazy).

netflixfan · 16/03/2025 19:35

Just tell him you don’t fancy him. That will take the wind out of his sails. What a pig.

Shetlands · 16/03/2025 19:36

If a man told me he could do better than me, I'd never have sex with him again - ever! He has no respect for you, he speaks to you with utter contempt but expects you to provide him with sexual satisfaction. I don't know how you can stand to be in the same room as him, let alone allow him to use you as a sex object for his own gratification.

You are worth far, far more than wasting your life on this horrible man.

Neededa · 16/03/2025 20:04

I was really upset by my parents divorce when I was 17. If I thought for one second that my mum was being treated in the same way you are right now, I would have been cheering from the rooftops. Your husband’s behaviour towards you is shocking and horrible.
Please think about how you move on from this.

BelleSauvage9 · 16/03/2025 20:10

Addictedtowotsits · 16/03/2025 14:04

First post I had some sympathy towards your husband - by the time I got to this little nugget:

"However this does mean the second I show any signs of movement on a Saturday morning DH is there 'waiting'" - this doesn't sit right with me.

Sex isn't a thing you 'give'. It's a thing you share. For the sake of your marriage your husband needs to remember this

I’m sorry but HOW tf did you have any sympathy whatsoever for a man who calls op fat, and does so often enough that their 3 year old and 9 year old have started saying it too!?!