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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the end because DH hates our sex life

107 replies

Obviouslyclueless · 16/03/2025 08:19

Not sure if this is the right place to post but I'll give it a go

Dh and I have had a massive argument as he hates our sex life. Says its boring. He could do so much better elsewhere etc and it's all my fault

In all honesty sex isn't the important thing to me. Would rather have a cuddle and fall asleep like that. We do generally do the same things most of the time. He tries to introduce new things (toys, porn etc) all of which I'm not interested in

We have 2 young children, both work full time and have busy lives

He moans if I am wfh and he has finished work before me (works 6-1 most days) and I won't come out of the office space to join him in bed

Moans that during the week we don't get a lot of time to do anything when he's up at 5am and u don't have to be up until 6am

Constantly tells me I'm fat and he coukd do so much better, the kids (9 & 3) have also started making comments about me being fat as well.

Just feeling very lost right now

OP posts:
Fargo79 · 16/03/2025 08:54

He's verbally abusive. He gaslights you into thinking you are ill. He controls how often you see your friends. He sets a horrific example to your children which they will carry with them into their adult relationships. He is sexually coercive.

What advice would you give a sister or female friend if they told you all this was happening in their marriage?

ManchesterGirl2 · 16/03/2025 08:56

He's a nasty man who's emotionally abusing you, you need to leave. There's no point trying to fix sexual issues with someone who's abusive.

Thethruththewholetruth · 16/03/2025 08:59

Christ why are you still with this vile man. I can’t hear any redeeming factors at all. He sounds like a horrible person. Just leave him, honestly can see no positives here at all. I’d not want to make it work or fix this, he just not a nice person and he’s using you. Do yourself a favour and find someone who is actually nice and loves you, life to short.

Beyondthewindowsill555 · 16/03/2025 08:59

Obviouslyclueless · 16/03/2025 08:46

Thanks everyone for the replies, they have been helpful

He has also been saying that i .are him do everything around thr house (he cooks dinner on the days wr have dinner which is about 3 times a week due to various school activites) and I cook a Sunday dinner. He will also hoover but everything else, washing, dishwasher loading and emptying, I do all school and nursery drop offs, and will split pick ups. All house admin, bills etc are left to me as well as dentist/doctor appointments etc

I had some anxiety issues after having our first and he's told all our family i was ill with post natal anxiety, I saw a therapist and was told I was basically adjusting to being a first time mum and that was completely normal but if I so much as say something that he thinks is over parenting he'll accuse me of being ill again

He can go away fot weekends at a time with mates for football (he was away last weekend for 3 days in Spain for a football match) but if I want to stay late or go with work friends one night a week I get told I'm out too much

He also hates the fact I love my job and if I dare to do anything work related outside of hours that's a massive argument

OK having just read this update op, the more you describe him, the worse your dh sounds.

There really isn’t a lot left that is salvageable here is there op?

The crass disloyalty he displayed after the birth of your child is particularly unforgivable.

It’s one rule for him and another for you?

Do you think he could change in any meaningful way? From what you have described here he sounds controlling and entitled. And totally lacking in self awareness.

Op, by writing here, I think you know in your heart of hearts what you have to do.

The longer you stay with this man, the more you will feel beaten down.

It is absolutely great that you love your job as that will help you if you choose to leave.

Do you have close family and friends who can support you through this? Sending you strength 💪

napody · 16/03/2025 08:59

Echo all pps- he is abusive. Your OP and updates are upsetting to read- you do not deserve to be treated like this. It's no coincidence he hates that you love your job- that's your route away from him. Take it.

frozendaisy · 16/03/2025 09:09

Women in porn train their arseholes to be fucked because they get paid more that way

A lot a on drugs during filming

It has always been an exploitative industry but it's on another level now with rape fantasy, choking, slapping, multi penetration and much worse

His concept of "much better" is just a fantasy that keeps him watching this shit, someone else is getting nice and rich from his brainwashing and look what happens, it damages people. Look at your H, married, two kids, both working and he is being brain washed that he "deserves" more extreme sex to the point he is starting to expect his wife to perform like a drug induced hooker.

And if he doesn't get sex he calls you fat and threatens to take his golden knob elsewhere to a tight young ass that will fuck him.

I would be telling him to fuck off every time, that porn is fucking poison, that you don't want to be part of the culture that young men think they deserve this or young women thunk they have to perform it. You have two young kids you will be guiding through this shortly and it sounds like he isn't going to help.

Let him sulk, insult, he is the brain washed knob here.

Tell him you deserve loving sex, someone who puts your pleasure equally as his own, that women are turned on with their minds as well as their bodies. And what are you getting right now,? Someone who wants to arse fuck and calls you fat? Yeah way to go H I'm really hot for it now!

Tiswa · 16/03/2025 09:11

You should want it over I imagine it will be nicer without him

HomeBodyClub · 16/03/2025 09:14

Tell him to fuck off and do better then and you’ll do the same with a decent man who doesn’t put you down.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 16/03/2025 09:15

He is an abusive cunt. That’s why you don’t want have sex with him.

You need to leave.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/03/2025 09:20

Wow! You must feel like an object for his use. How dare he call you fat and I. Front of the children. I wouldn’t tolerate that.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 16/03/2025 09:21

Obviouslyclueless · 16/03/2025 08:46

Thanks everyone for the replies, they have been helpful

He has also been saying that i .are him do everything around thr house (he cooks dinner on the days wr have dinner which is about 3 times a week due to various school activites) and I cook a Sunday dinner. He will also hoover but everything else, washing, dishwasher loading and emptying, I do all school and nursery drop offs, and will split pick ups. All house admin, bills etc are left to me as well as dentist/doctor appointments etc

I had some anxiety issues after having our first and he's told all our family i was ill with post natal anxiety, I saw a therapist and was told I was basically adjusting to being a first time mum and that was completely normal but if I so much as say something that he thinks is over parenting he'll accuse me of being ill again

He can go away fot weekends at a time with mates for football (he was away last weekend for 3 days in Spain for a football match) but if I want to stay late or go with work friends one night a week I get told I'm out too much

He also hates the fact I love my job and if I dare to do anything work related outside of hours that's a massive argument

That doesn’t change anything. You should still leave him ASAP.

2chocolateoranges · 16/03/2025 09:24

What are his positives because all you have mentioned are negatives which tells me you would be better off without him.

hes trying to put you down , by criticising you to put you in your place. Do not allow this to happen any longer.

Clearinguptheclutter · 16/03/2025 09:25

My dh and I have difficulties with our sex life, mostly due to young kids and me being too tired and mostly not that interested. So that situation is not unusual I don’t think

but he respects me and would never ever say the stuff that your dh is saying which is abuse.
I think you need to start making plans to leave, I’m sorry.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/03/2025 09:34

The fact it’s ok for him to be away for long weekends but you’re chastised for going out makes me think he is not to be trusted. He can’t trust himself so that’s why he can’t trust you. He sounds like a wrong un! You deserve some peace and happiness and most of all RESPECT! Aretha Franklin style:

‘start when you come home
… or you might walk in
…and find out I'm gone…I gotta have it’

Tgfh · 16/03/2025 10:31

You are being coercively controled and he has deliberately tried to isolate you.

A very abusive relationship.
You need to contact Women's aid asap.

Read up about Coercive control.
It is a crime now.

offmynut · 16/03/2025 10:44

If he keeps saying he could do better tell him to go do it ask why as he not got better yet.
Divorce would be my choice.

Adhikv · 16/03/2025 10:48

Why would you want to have sex with someone who calls you fat and makes you feel like crap. I think it’s over because he’s horrible, not because of your sex life

scoobysnaxx · 16/03/2025 10:50

You are clearly in a very abusive relationship. He is being openly abusive to you in front of your children who are now copying him.

please get support from women’s aid and divorce him!

PoppyBaxter · 16/03/2025 11:00

You sound set in your ways and unwilling to try anything new in the bedroom and meet him half way.

He sounds like a nasty prick for calling you fat, and a terrible parent for doing so infront of your children.

Yes I think it's over OP.

Inertia · 16/03/2025 11:05

It needs to be over, because your husband is an abusive, contemptuous pig who is destroying your mental well-being.

Sex is a part of the big picture.

Push to spend time with your friends and family - he is trying to isolate you.

DeepRoseFish · 16/03/2025 11:25

This isn’t going to get better OP and the fact that your kids are also now calling you fat is absolutely vile and the only thing you can do is LTB. Please.

Bittenonce · 16/03/2025 12:20

Do you love him?
Do you like him?
Do you respect him?
When did you last feel he put you first??
Do you stay him him out of - loyalty? Habit? Fear of change?

NeedsMustNet · 16/03/2025 12:24

It is clear that the charmer you are describing is actively trying to blow things up. And leave no bridge intact. And to demolish your self confidence and your relationships with your children in the process.
This is not how any relationship should be. If he wanted to improve your relationship he would not be degrading you like this.
Ducks, ostriches, chickens, turkeys.. line ‘em up.

StrawberryDream24 · 16/03/2025 12:26

Constantly tells me I'm fat and he coukd do so much better, the kids (9 & 3) have also started making comments about me being fat as well.

This is abuse.

And he's training your kids to abuse you too.

StrawberryDream24 · 16/03/2025 12:28

I sure as fuck wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was calling me fat.

I sure as fuck wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was telling me they could do better than me.