Shutting down

[LostatIkea]

I'm at the point that every time DP and I have an argument I just stop talking. I can't cope with another thing so I just stop talking in the hope they'll stop being angry/shouting.

No way am I perfect and many could say that I've driven my DP due to quite a rocky relationship.

In some situations I'll just say sorry, or agree with what they're saying, even if it's not true in the hope it'll stop. Name calling/labelling is reasonably common, but I put that down to exasperation. I no longer communicate my needs, feelings or any details about my life in case they're used against me.

My DP is a super assertive and strong person, whom I'm immensely proud of. But it's often easier to back down and just accept the consequences than stand my ground.

Question is why do I just clam up?

Bloody hell @Catoo , you are good 👍

I appreciate your point. I wasn't trying to manipulate anything, just hoping to get some point of view from females who didn't see gender first. I've tried looking for the equivalent of Mumsnet for men, and either I can't find anything as extensive, with the same subscriber numbers etc or anything that might be male orientated will likely have at least a tinge of misogyny which is what I do want to avoid. I'm sorry if this has come across as a man trying to infiltrate MN with an alterior motive.

Yes, the conversation will start frosty but normal, then I may say something which angers DP, I will try to explain my point and it goes and goes upward. After a while I just stop talking. I get told I'm sulking, but it's I can't get a word in, voices are raised and I just want it over. Yes I'm told I'm playing the victim but it's just exhaustion.

My replies to you would be the same regardless of gender. this is not Reddit!.

Did your partner accuse you of trying to manipulate the counsellor?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. That applies equally to all sexes. Abuse is no respecter of persons and cuts across all classes and creeds.

And with your last post you have come full circle again, that is where you were at the beginning of your thread.

So you're still 'making mistakes' ie engaging in cheating behaviours, then refuse to engage when you trigger your partners trauma that you caused.

I hope she wakes up and leaves you.

You just want it to stop but the only way of that happening is for you to leave her. And that is going to be painful because you have had some good times. However, those good times are gone and are anyway now fewer and further between. You need therapy re your family and present time. Do not be your own worst enemy here by denying yourself a relationship you could actually be happy in. No one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is and this is not it. You’re under her surveillance all the time and that’s not acceptable either.

And regardless of who did what and when this is clearly a relationship that should have long since ended.

But I’ve read on here that going silent is to give the other person the silent treatment - and that giving the silent treatment is a form on controlling behaviour and abuse.

What in predictable double standards is going on?!?

Words to the effect but never said outright I was trying to do it. She's not made me do any of those things either, I did I voluntarily. I thought it'd help to start to repair things.

I don't make those mistakes, but the last one was not telling her in greater detail how the day I was working with someone she had concerns about.

I even said the night before I may be working with said person, I got 'I don't care', then told her on the day they were there, with a reply of 'ok'. I'm often told I don't listen, so when I got home I said no more about it. Days later it blew up. This is the latest example.

Maybe I am being abusive by doing it? I'd rather be quiet than have a blazing row though. I had enough of those as a kid.

I knew this was the case, but I didn't even dare bring it up incase it threw petrol on the fire.

Hey I’m as puzzled as you.
This is literally the first thread I found on the topic - as you’ll see the MN chorus is braying on that its abuse.
“Leave him. It's abusive behaviour.
No normal, well-adjusted, emotionally aware adult acts like that”.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4998973-coping-with-silent-treatment

You’re being quiet now ikea because you just want it to stop, same as when you were a kid seeing your dad have a pop at your mum. She walked on eggshells too as did you. Both your parents taught you damaging lessons about relationships and the legacy of your childhood is present to this very day.

You can get help to rebuild your life.

He has learnt to become silent because of the abusive treatment he had received. You just want it to stop.

He has no voice at all both literally and figuratively , she holds all the power and control in this relationship

Silent treatment is indeed a form of emotional abuse but ikea is being silenced not silent. There is a difference.

I'm really sorry but this isn't fixable.

Too much water under the bridge. Looks like the cheating has caused an unhealthy behaviour change in your partner unfortunately. She is triggered now, it’s caused her trauma. You shut down because you’ve learned it only makes it worse. This will have no effect on your partner now who has been changed. She needs to take ownership of her behaviours because holding onto blame and beating you with it won’t take anything away. You are here through guilt bonding because your behaviour has caused this. It’s got toxic.

How long has it been since your partner discovered your cheating?

If an argument gets too heated then it is best to agree to take a break and resume when emotions are less heightened. The time must be agreed and the follow up conversation must happen. Emotional Flooding" can happen to both partners when feeling unheard and threatened.

Going quiet or using the silent treatment is a form of manipulation so don't do it. Agree to timeout so you can both cool down.

It seems to me your partner has major trust issues with you. Seemingly justified. How recent are these "mistakes"?

She might be able to recover trust but the focus will be on you to do the work. When she said "I don't care" she did of course care but she is trying to protect herself as knows she can't control your actions. She would benefit from improving her communication but I imagine she doesn't feel safe enough with you and each incident further compounds her lack of safety.

I think you have to ask yourself...do you cheat for an ego boast? If so have you fixed this emotional fragility? If not it will always be a theme in your relationships with anyone.

I can go quiet when something is bothering me, but I simply don't bring anything up incase it upsets the balance that has eventually occurred. Even now I'm holding a shed load back for fear of upsetting DP further, exacerbating the situation, adding to mental load or because when bringing it up in the past I've been dismissed. I get accused of being grumpy, then it all starts again with me being selfish. I just reckon being quiet is easier.

Your relationship is completely out of balance. Someone took the power away from one so the other is feeling powerless and out of control. You took the safety and balance out of her world by cheating. Why did you cheat? Now you are getting an out of balanced, somewhat out of control response from your partner who is probably desperately trying to re-balance her world out of this chaos.

Agreed, I worry she's changed herself because of me and I've damaged this person beyond reasonable repair. Even more reason why I won't just walk away.

So recent mistake which caused the latest incident was only last week. Up until this point I thought things were 'okay', that I was being a better partner, I even asked had I been doing better a few weeks prior. Clearly I haven't

Yes you have got me correct. Often any behaviours were motivated by the need for an ego boost, huge sense of insecurity and need for validation. It's a fragile toxic and misogynistic mindset, I do know that. Yes, I have tried to repair this horrid trait of mine. Again I've not done enough.

Last incident was maybe 2 years ago? I say last as I have no quarms admitting there's been a series of micro cheating actions on my behalf.

Yes I agree, I took her dignity and trust and yes I think there's an element that a redress of power is required.