Shutting down

[LostatIkea]

I'm at the point that every time DP and I have an argument I just stop talking. I can't cope with another thing so I just stop talking in the hope they'll stop being angry/shouting.

No way am I perfect and many could say that I've driven my DP due to quite a rocky relationship.

In some situations I'll just say sorry, or agree with what they're saying, even if it's not true in the hope it'll stop. Name calling/labelling is reasonably common, but I put that down to exasperation. I no longer communicate my needs, feelings or any details about my life in case they're used against me.

My DP is a super assertive and strong person, whom I'm immensely proud of. But it's often easier to back down and just accept the consequences than stand my ground.

Question is why do I just clam up?

You grew up in a chaotic abusive household yourself and the legacy of that remains with you to this very day. The adults in your life let you down abjectly and taught you many damaging lessons on relationships. It's also why you chose this person to be in a relationship with. It's a continuation of what you already learnt and saw in your childhood. Your boundaries here, already skewed by seeing chaos in your childhood, are being further eroded by this person now.

This person you are with now is a carbon copy of your dad. You did not drive your dad to the point of insanity and you did not drive your partner now into abusing you. You are indeed trauma bonded.

DP has said I'm abusive, gaslighter and no one can criticise me, and maybe I have done these things after infidelity, maybe I carry on now, I have no clue. However I identify these behaviours in them, but if I said this I'd get argued around and just end up back to square one.

I think your mother was walking around on egg shells and this has become the accepted norm
for you and the acceptance of verbal abuse.
Hard to comment on the post as you haven’t said reasons for affair, how long it went on for and what’s really making you stay with your partner.
I think you need counselling for yourself as a starting basis. I can’t get an idea of who you are right now apart from someone making excuses for their partner and feeling they are to blame, not a way to live.

Ikea

You need therapy to overcome the trauma bond to your partner. You need to rebuild your life without this person in it day to day.

It is par for the course in abusive relationships for your partner to be saying that you are abusive, a gaslighter etc. It is YOUR DP who is all of these things, not you. You've never been responsible for this person's choices in life.

Your background gave your partner further opportuinity to repeat what you already saw in your childhood. This person targeted you deliberately and further to abuse.

Understanding that you don’t stand up for yourself when he is angry with you about something you didn’t do or wasn’t your fault because you feel guilty is one thing, continuing to do so will ruin you.

It sounds like his underlying anger about your infidelity is fuelling any disagreement making him react excessively and nastily. If he can’t separate his feelings about what you did from what happens going forward he will always treat you this way.

As horrible as what you did is, if he wants the relationship to continue he must draw a line under it and stop punishing at every opportunity. He might not even be conscious of doing that and no doubt if you suggested I you will get another ear bashing. I’d give some serious thought to whether your relationship can be healthy again or whether it’s time to accept it’s spoiled beyond repair and move on

"Question is why do I just clam up?"

Because your relationship is over.
You're just not ready to say it out loud yet.

This relationship cannot be rectified. Cut your losses and end things. Take the lessons you’ve learned and have a fresh start.

You cheated, your partner is abusive. This is a relationship that neither of you should be in. How soon can you end things, move on, find somewhere to live, all that stuff.

Before you get into another relationship, it might be worth working on yourself, reflecting on what might make you consciously or unconsciously sabotage a good relationship. Someone mentioned above that you might be trying to recreate the chaos of your birth family, so you do that, and then revert to "child mode" when it all blows up. Some therapy might help, even just talking things through with a counsellor is better than nothing.

I really don't want to end it. I just want us to be happy together as a family. I'm not expecting all happy times, but this cycle of picking up, letting my gaurd down, making a mistake then back around to an argument is horrid.

I really have to refute that, I don't think they sought me out as a target, nor do I think they're abusive. Any frustration with me is entirley justified and deserved.

They are a good person, and it's my infidelity that's driven them to this. I just hope I can communicate better and get back on track.

Ikea

re your comment
"I just want us to be happy together as a family"

With kindness Ikea that will not ever happen. You're clinging onto a dream here. What you are describing here between your so called partner and you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and non abusive relationship is like and the fact is you still do not know. What you're in now is not a happy nor healthy relationship. It can never be so because of the abuse your partner metes out to you.

Ask yourself too why you really do not want to end it either. Again this is what you already know, a continuation of the familiar and a feeling that you somehow deserve this from your partner. That person uses your infidelity as a stick to beat you with and you flagellate yourself with it too. Someone else showed you some kindness, respect and interest in you and you get none of this from this current relationship. You are indeed worthy of being loved. Your partner does not love you and never infact has.

You cannot refute the truth re them not being abusive. You were also targeted; this person saw something in you he/she can and has indeed exploited to their own ends.

What is your definition of abuse?. Your boundaries have been really messed with here both by what you've seen and what you see now from your so called partner.

This person will use your infidelity against you for the rest of your days. Do you think this is at all a healthy opinion for your partner to adopt?. How is this person good to you exactly?. Ok so they helped you with some MH issues but they're not helping you now. You're a mouse in their presence unable and unwilling to speak up for fear of being shouted down. History has a nasty habit indeed of repeating itself.

Is the issue though that when I make a mistake they'll perceive some of my actions and continued behaviour relating to infidelity, then in turn trigger their justified feelings of betrayal?

I'm no saint, I've been quite aggressive during arguments in the past, shouted etc. So is this my DP reacting to all this historic hurt?

OP the way you wrote this was deliberately vague.

Are you a man who has cheated on his partner?

Is your partner struggling still with the effects of your infidelity?

Did you ever have couple counselling to work through this?

What reassurances have you given that you will never cheat again?

Regardless, it sounds abusive now. Perhaps it just can’t be fixed. If these arguments are frequent and you get shouted over then I’m not surprised you clam up. I would too. Especially if there was any chance of escalation.

Time to have the difficult conversation about splitting up? Do you have children?

Your partner's been no saint either using your past infidelity as a stick to further beat you up and or otherwise punish you with. That person abusing you like this is not going to solve anything here; its just causing you to become ever more trauma bonded.

You are being abused and he is not kind.
Yes there was infidelity on your side but he decided to stay with you.
It does not give him a free pass to abuse you.
He is not kind. Kind people don’t do this even when angry.
Your self esteem sounds on the floor. Stop blaming yourself. You sound like a decent person and while I don’t condone infidelity it happened to me in the past when someone was kind to me when I was in an awful relationship.
Stop dreaming of having the dream family. This won’t change. Stop blaming yourself and go and life your life away from this man.

Sometimes there is just too much damage and hurt to recover from and the best thing to do is let it go.

Maybe it's because you've just run out of energy at that moment and you need to shut down in order to not be overstimulated?

It sounds to me like you could do with therapy for yourself first, and then marriage counselling.

Maybe I'm missing something important here, but taken at face value, it seems like you're two people willing to work on the relationship. It doesn't sound like a one-sides abuse situation I so often read on here, so I think it's worth a shot at trying to work things out. Unfortunately though, despite what may have driven you to infidelity, I think you're going to have to accept that there's a good chance that it's poisoned the relationship for good and you might have to walk away.

To be blunt, the cycle that you are in is your reality. The happy family here is a fantasy. It's not your reality.

Yes correct. I am male, and removed gender so I can get impartial views. Also used MN for a (majority) female perspective as I don't think a male perspective will be as balanced. I'm perfectly expecting to be justifiably flamed for this.

Yes I do think they're still struggling. Went to counselling, I never hid anything I did. But was accused of manipulating the counsellor, despite them clearly not liking me and labelling me quite happily.

I gave them reassurance which is obviously useless. Stop associating with old friends who they identified as misogynistic and creepy, I have my location shared 24/7 with her, she has the code to my phone (always has). Got rid of my social media. Stopped deleting any old chats etc. I read and read about misogyny and male behaviour.

Yes, their children whom I do the usual 'father' role for when they're with us. I absolutely love her kids to bits.

Yes, we both want to work on it, correct. DP is a really great woman. But I do think I've really poisoned the water so bad I fear it'll never truly be fixed.

Men can be abused too in relationships and it’s not unheard of . You’re in an abusive relationship with her. You have sadly and willingly tied yourself into a pretzel shape for her and unsurprisingly it’s still not enough for her. Nothing you do will ever be enough. She will continue to have you over a barrel as long as you allow it.

Fgs, just get out of that abusive situation, if not for yourself for her dc. Saying you love someone.isnt a reason to stay with someone like that.

Ah OP. Sounds like the therapist sussed you out quite quickly. Here you are trying to manipulate MN into thinking you’re a woman.

In these arguments where you shut down, does your partner get frustrated and angry and shout things at you because you won’t engage? Does she see this as more manipulation?

Sounds like she hasn’t been able to get over it. Time to ask her if she still wants to be together or if you are both unhappy and should let each other go.

Joint counselling is never advised where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. The counsellor you saw was manipulated by her and that is what abusers also do. And she will accuse you of all sorts whether you do anything or not. She really does want to keep you in a cage of her own paranoid making.

I know you like her children very much but you cannot stay with your abuser because of them.

The hard bit for you now is to take the first and often the hardest of steps out with support from the likes of Menkind.