Shutting down

[LostatIkea]

I'm at the point that every time DP and I have an argument I just stop talking. I can't cope with another thing so I just stop talking in the hope they'll stop being angry/shouting.

No way am I perfect and many could say that I've driven my DP due to quite a rocky relationship.

In some situations I'll just say sorry, or agree with what they're saying, even if it's not true in the hope it'll stop. Name calling/labelling is reasonably common, but I put that down to exasperation. I no longer communicate my needs, feelings or any details about my life in case they're used against me.

My DP is a super assertive and strong person, whom I'm immensely proud of. But it's often easier to back down and just accept the consequences than stand my ground.

Question is why do I just clam up?

This is literally the triangle of abuse. You can’t be the persecutor the victim and the rescuer. This is going to create and already is all sorts of damage. She is trauma bonded and is in danger of reactive abuse. You really need to leave.

Christ, yes I have read what you mean by it and it's awful what's happening to her.

Two years is no time at all, especially if you’ve had what you deem minor transgressions since. Every one of those incidents will put her right back to square one. It will take years to repair this, if it’s even possible as the damage may just be too great. If you’re not up to the task and prepared to shoulder the difficult times with understanding then it’s kinder to let her go. Then she might have a chance of rebuilding herself somehow, without being chipped away at.

It wasn't a single act of infidelity, just a series of micro-cheating activities. Some I genuinely and consciously knew I was doing and some were a middle finger up at DP whilst I was struggling with things

This is why infidelity should be classed as abuse. It is a calculated decision to hurt your partner and the enjoyment of getting one over on them. It is an act of spite. When a person has these traits it can be enjoyable for them to watch their partners trauma.

I don’t believe you clam up and can’t communicate. I think it is another act of spite to deprive her of the open communication that is needed to heal, and a refusal to meet her most basic needs. It sounds like you won’t leave her until she’s utterly destroyed.

You are engaging in a form if selective mutism. Its basically an involuntary response to the traumatic experience of being hectored, shamed, over talked, ignored, repressed, rejected, and abused by your partner.

You can not repeal your infidelity, its in the past. But neither can their anger and attacks wash it away. Essentially being the aggrieved party has become a more important part of your dp’s personality than being your lover or friend. Being the guilty party has taken over your life. Its not possible to have a repair in such a twisted relationship. You have been demoted to enemy and your dp is acting out their rage at every turn.

Since it can’t be taken back no matter how hard you apologize, And they are unable and unwilling to forgive, YOU MUST GET OUT for safety’s sake.

I want to fix this. Seeing her unhappy is awful. I can't imagine how she's feeling. I don't doubt for a moment I'm an abuser. I'm ashamed and I sometimes wish she'd never met me and was subject to what I've done.

There are limited times we talk rationally, and it's such a relief when we do. But these situations rarely occur. If I bring anything up to discuss it has to be the right time or its carnage and just makes things worse.

You rightly have a low opinion of me but I don't want to destroy her any more.

You have to leave. There is no point arguing over who is the abuser or who displays what psychological profile—though I have my opinion. You are not that important in the scheme if things. She will do better on her own and gave s chance at a good/healthy relationship.

You are not the only person who can rescue her—in fact you can’t rescue her at all. You are not that important or that skilled or healthy. So stop sentimentalizing and romanticizing your role. You tried to be in a relationship that neither you nor she could sustain in a healthy way. Stop. Walk away. Save both of you the resentful misery of this ridiculous relationship.

For saftey sake? Do you mean for her? Or me?

I really don't think I've been abused. I'm just a bit lost and fed up with the constant angst and atmosphere. Despite me creating the issues.

@LostatIkea

Great username, btw. For me, it’s totally fine that you came to Mumsnet re this. You wanted a female view. You’re not the only man to do that. Also, there are regular male posters who often make some very helpful contributions to threads where the original poster is trying to understand male behaviour. One of my favourite things about Mumsnet is the huge range of people posting - the collective pool of wisdom is considerable.

It is unclear to me what you mean by micro-cheating. But anyway, since, by your own account, you knowingly did things to hurt her, there is probably no way back from this. She’s stuck in a place of hurt and you closing down conversation is going to make that worse. On the other hand, there comes a time when she needs to decide if she can put this behind her and if she can’t, the relationship needs to end.

You also need to understand - women tend to anticipate/intuit what other people need and we expect a degree of that in return. She doesn’t want to have to tell you not to spend time with someone she regards as a threat, because you’ve engaged in micro-cheating with that person. The bottom line is she shouldn’t have to tell you not to do that. You should have enough respect and care for her not to do it.

It sounds like too much damage has been done here and you’re better off calling it a day as your relationship has become toxic. Hopefully you will have learned enough not to make the same mistakes in the future.

I want to fix this

Yet you indulge in withholding behaviours that trigger her and refuse to communicate. In your own words you’ve gone from I used to fight back, even shout and I've gotten pretty nasty and angry to apparently being too scared to talk.

Question is why do I just clam up?

How would we know? It’s not our job to work it out for you. Why haven’t you taken yourself to counselling? Leading people to believe you were a woman and dripfeeding your abuse was manipulative.

You cannot fix this on your own and regardless of who did what to whom and when this is going nowhere.

If you care for her children at all you and she should not be together. You can’t stay because of them either.

I can see why the OP hid his sex. Just look at how the tone of the responses changed when he revealed he was a man.

What do you mean by "micro cheating", "making mistakes", "dropping the ball"?

It sounds like these are the triggers for your partner getting fed up with you and shouting at you. Then you go quiet because you don't want to make things worse. So the two of you seem unable to ever talk through the conflict.

I think you both will need to find a way to communicate with each other without resorting to shouting/ withdrawing into silence. Otherwise you will just keep repeating the cycle.

I’m just wondering why you think it is in her long term best interest for you to stay with her? Maybe it isn’t.

Your relationship has turned toxic and you shutting down is a response to the toxicity, it really isn’t rocket science. Can you both get past the toxicity, I don’t know but without intervention from a professional, probably not.

Find a therapist and hopefully you will come to understand that penance isn’t a time machine.