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Original poster

Shutting down

90 replies

LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 00:02

I'm at the point that every time DP and I have an argument I just stop talking. I can't cope with another thing so I just stop talking in the hope they'll stop being angry/shouting.

No way am I perfect and many could say that I've driven my DP due to quite a rocky relationship.

In some situations I'll just say sorry, or agree with what they're saying, even if it's not true in the hope it'll stop. Name calling/labelling is reasonably common, but I put that down to exasperation. I no longer communicate my needs, feelings or any details about my life in case they're used against me.

My DP is a super assertive and strong person, whom I'm immensely proud of. But it's often easier to back down and just accept the consequences than stand my ground.

Question is why do I just clam up?

OP posts:
Semiramide · 15/03/2025 00:04

Why are you with this person? He doesn't seem to be a partner in any shape or form.

Original poster
LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 00:09

Semiramide · 15/03/2025 00:04

Why are you with this person? He doesn't seem to be a partner in any shape or form.

Because I love them and I've made many mistakes and caused so much grief in our relationship I don't feel there's blame squarely on their shoulders. I guess you could say I've pushed them to this?

Just hope to understand myself better.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 15/03/2025 00:11

You're very sensible to stop talking; what's the point? He's not listening to you and doesn't seem prepared to change so you're wasting your time.

Someone who's shouting at you and calling you names doesn't like you very much.

Original poster
LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 00:13

Maitri108 · 15/03/2025 00:11

You're very sensible to stop talking; what's the point? He's not listening to you and doesn't seem prepared to change so you're wasting your time.

Someone who's shouting at you and calling you names doesn't like you very much.

I used to fight back, even shout and I've gotten pretty nasty and angry myself previously. But it's like I've got zero ability to push back at all any more.

OP posts:
Mummblebee · 15/03/2025 00:57

Doesn't sound healthy if you can't have an adult back and fourth conversation with them. Do they listen to your side or just try to overpower you? I would let them finish then say your piece, respectfully asking them not to interrupt you if they try. If this fails then bin them. It doesn't sound like it's worth your energy.

PriscillaQueen · 15/03/2025 01:25

Are you a man in a heterosexual relationship, man in a same sex relationship or a woman in a same sex relationship? Either way, I’d say this isn’t a healthy relationship and you should probably end it. If you need support to leave you can contact either Refuge, Mankind or similar. And I’d say that if your scared, call the police.

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 07:46

If there is name calling and being shouted down, you sound like you are being abused so over time you have become weak. As a pp said, it sounds like he is over powering you and you stop engaging to just dtop being verbally attacked.
How or do you both ever make up? Is there even a sorrrj or hug from him? Obviously it takes 2 to argue however at least 50% he must be wrong or feel he’s unreasonable, my feeling is he gives you the silent treatment.

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 07:47

LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 00:09

Because I love them and I've made many mistakes and caused so much grief in our relationship I don't feel there's blame squarely on their shoulders. I guess you could say I've pushed them to this?

Just hope to understand myself better.

Show quote history

You need to give examples of things you’ve done that you believe have made him act this way towards you, concerning you are taking responsibility for those actions like this.

Original poster
LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:06

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 07:47

You need to give examples of things you’ve done that you believe have made him act this way towards you, concerning you are taking responsibility for those actions like this.

Show quote history

It's infidelity which is the crux of the matter, this is something I'm absolutely ashamed of, I'm prepared to be flamed about this.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2025 08:09

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You have been conditioned by this person into tacitly accepting this verbal abuse. No abuser walks around with abuser on their forehead and such types are very plausible. Abusers also are very good at making their target feel responsible for making them behave as they do when the responsibility for that lies solely with the abuser. You did not drive this person at all to abuse you.

Do you love them or are you really confusing that with codependency?.

You are not responsible for this other person's choices or actions towards you; that is on them and them alone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2025 08:12

So this person is taking your infidelity and bashing you about the head further with it?. Some other person actually showed you some interest and kindness (i.e nothing that you are getting in this current relationship) and they found out?.

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 08:15

LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:06

It's infidelity which is the crux of the matter, this is something I'm absolutely ashamed of, I'm prepared to be flamed about this.

Show quote history

Was this a long term infidelity, a one off, happened a couple of times …did you go to couples counselling as sounds like your partner has accepted you stay today however continues to punish you, I would say mentally he isn’t dealing with this well. This sounds very complicated as you say you love him but I cannot equate this to cheating on him. Are there children involved. If you want to save the marriage I think you need to go to couples counselling and seperate counselling and see if he can’t get over it. No judgement from me, you came here looking for help. You are having a shit time already, no need to kick a person when they are down.

Original poster
LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:16

I appreciate the replies, I'm not trying to demonise my DP. They're a good person, really patient, intelligent, kind and so on.

I just hoping to understand why I do it. Maybe become better at communicating.

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 08:16

Also was your partner kind to you ect before the infidelity or is it how he is and was that drove you away.

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 08:17

LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:16

I appreciate the replies, I'm not trying to demonise my DP. They're a good person, really patient, intelligent, kind and so on.

I just hoping to understand why I do it. Maybe become better at communicating.

You do it because you still feel guilty. You are thinking if I didn’t chest, he wouldn’t be like this. You are complicit in believing you still need to be punished. You guys can’t continue like this.

Original poster
LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:18

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 08:16

Also was your partner kind to you ect before the infidelity or is it how he is and was that drove you away.

My partner has always been kind. The arguments happen, but they're kind all the time. Just not when rowing.

OP posts:
Original poster
LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:19

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 08:17

You do it because you still feel guilty. You are thinking if I didn’t chest, he wouldn’t be like this. You are complicit in believing you still need to be punished. You guys can’t continue like this.

Show quote history

Well yes, I mean I think that's rational? If I hadn't cheated they'd not have felt the betrayal etc. so possibly they'd be happy?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2025 08:23

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

May I ask how old you are?.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it is about power and control and this person wants absolute over you.

How is this person good to you? . People in healthy relationships do not shout or scream at their partner to the point where that person emotionally and verbally shuts down.

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 08:23

LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:19

Well yes, I mean I think that's rational? If I hadn't cheated they'd not have felt the betrayal etc. so possibly they'd be happy?

Show quote history

I think you need to ask yourself why you cheated if he was so kind and you were so happy? Something wasn’t right.., were you not attracted to him, did you just want the excitement of another man?
Yes guilt is normal but how long ago was the affair? Do you expect this to carry on long term. Your partner is obviously hurt. Do you think he still loves him or is it just for kids he’s staying ( not sure if you do have them). Have you managed to establish the intimate side of the relationship?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2025 08:24

So this person is taking your infidelity and bashing you about the head further with it as a further means of punishment.

Some other person actually showed you some interest and kindness (i.e nothing that you are getting in this current relationship) and they found out?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2025 08:32

When things go wrong, they tell you it’s your fault. They make you doubt your own perception and manipulate you into believing their narrative. It can be easy to be sucked into their world, especially when they are slowly but surely separating you from your friends and family. Try to remember that two contradictory things can’t be true; they may tell you they’ll never hurt you whilst also being abusive towards you. Both of these things cannot be true as the abuse is hurtful therefore they are hurting you.

When you try and fight back, things get worse. You start to settle for anything to have some peace and make the fights stop. You find yourself constantly apologising to them out of fear you’ve done something to upset them. This person has broken down every part of confidence you once had before. You wonder how it has got to this stage and where it went all went wrong.

This is all a part of being trauma bonded and that happens in relationships where there is abuse present.

Whatever may have happened, the abuse is not your fault. Despite the things, they told you, the abuse is not your fault. You may feel as if you are the one to blame, although that is just the control this person is still trying to have over you.

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 08:36

@LostatIkea I am glad you are being brave here by admitting the infidelity but I am equally thankful you are not getting flamed by other posters. Some really kind and good support here x

Original poster
LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:43

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/03/2025 08:23

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

May I ask how old you are?.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it is about power and control and this person wants absolute over you.

How is this person good to you? . People in healthy relationships do not shout or scream at their partner to the point where that person emotionally and verbally shuts down.

I grew up in a chaotic household. Both parents together, unhappily I think deep down. Father was in charge, loved my mum, did everything for her. But could snap in an instant, never physically though.

Weeks and months would be spent with an air of tension in the house. Only when I got older did I stand up to my dad, but ultimately this has lead to full family estragnment.

In my 30s now.

DP has been kind in loads of ways, helping me with MH etc. I really know its me who's driven then to the point of insanity.

OP posts:
Anchorage56 · 15/03/2025 08:46

LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 00:09

Because I love them and I've made many mistakes and caused so much grief in our relationship I don't feel there's blame squarely on their shoulders. I guess you could say I've pushed them to this?

Just hope to understand myself better.

Show quote history

If you want to understand yourself better then you need to see a specialist and have numerous sessions, not post here.

Original poster
LostatIkea · 15/03/2025 08:47

Secondstart1001 · 15/03/2025 08:23

I think you need to ask yourself why you cheated if he was so kind and you were so happy? Something wasn’t right.., were you not attracted to him, did you just want the excitement of another man?
Yes guilt is normal but how long ago was the affair? Do you expect this to carry on long term. Your partner is obviously hurt. Do you think he still loves him or is it just for kids he’s staying ( not sure if you do have them). Have you managed to establish the intimate side of the relationship?

Show quote history

It wasn't a single act of infidelity, just a series of micro-cheating activities. Some I genuinely and consciously knew I was doing and some were a middle finger up at DP whilst I was struggling with things. Others I have no idea what impulsed me to do it - it can only be me so I'm not trying to shift blame. I know it's all on me.

Every time I drop the ball now it's like they'll go nuclear again. I'm just struggling to understand why I don't communicate things when I need to or should.

OP posts: