Family dynamics - what would you do?

[Chungai]

Sorry it's long - I've kept it brief as poss.

20 years ago my parents moved from 2 hours away to 4 hours away in the opposite direction, close to where my sibling lives.

I had settled in my current town with my DH in our jobs by this point, and we and my parents would visit each other a number of times a year.

Now my DPs are older and they don't like visiting us. I think they've come once in the last 5 years. Same for my sibling. So we have to do all the travelling. I suppose it makes sense for us to visit them given they've both close. My parents are old and find the travel tiring.

My sibling is great face to face when I see them but makes no effort to plan to see me. All the effort sits with me. They are well off and often travel abroad in the holidays meaning it's hard to find a time to see them. They have a big house but currently say they can't put us up. They do have a spare room but it's small and cluttered.

My father physically abused my mother on the day of our arrival the last time we visited to stay with them. I think the stress of us coming to stay precipitated this so I don't feel that we can stay with them any more.

We last visited at Christmas, and stayed in a cramped hotel where it was hellish tbh, the kids went totally hyper, the room smelled, none of us slept well, and it was miserable as we were stuck in a pitch black room in silence every evening.

We are planning to visit at Easter. My siblings is saying they might go away. I messaged my parents and my mum said it would be nice to see us. Nothing more.

We are struggling to find an Airbnb that's nearby and in our budget. We considered camping but the weather could be foul. It just feels like so much work and expense (looking at £500 for accommodation plus food out and maybe £100 petrol) when they don't seem bothered. I've spent hours agonising over various accommodation options.

My parents never call me or ask me to visit. I just feel really upset and like none of them give a shit about seeing me or my DC.

I'm not really sure how to resolve this. Is this how family visits will need to be from now on? Should I say something or just suck it up?

You can’t really resolve it in my opinion. I have sort of a similar situation with my parents (but they live abroad) so I only visits when it suits me and make a holiday out of it. They barely call and when they do it’s mainly to discuss their latest health issues so I just give what I get really. It’s awful but it’s life.

I'm sorry you're facing similar @Ph3 . I just can't imagine having that dynamic with my DC. I was so close to my parents as a child but they've never been very open to difficult conversations or emotions so I find it hard to bring this up with them.

I'm just getting really upset about it and don't know how to move on. I would love to make more of a holiday out of it but it all costs money and frankly I wouldn't choose to holiday there!

I'll probably see them for a few hours each day of awkwardness. They don't invite us to eat with them, they don't really interact with the DC. My dad just seems irritated by our presence.

“My father physically abused my mother on the day of our arrival the last time we visited to stay with them.”.

What do you mean by this?

He pushed her and she hit her head.

I just wouldn't go. Sorry OP but this just doesn't sound beneficial for anyone. Stick to phone calls for now, or perhaps go on your own for a night or two and leave DH and kids at home.

That’s really tough how long do you stay for? Four hours I’d probably stay one or two nights. Would it be better to go two or three times a year but just stay a night so it’s not as expensive. You could also go at the weekend rather than waiting for school hols. The you could see your parents for a few hours each day but it’s only for two days.

Why do you want to go?

I want to see my sibling and parents (well my mum) and nieces.

@Chungai Completely agree. I like to think I’m very close to my kids - a little less to my 12 year old now as he’s a pre teen and driving me insane 🤣.
but im really sorry about this. I know how you feel. I think you must be where I was 10 years ago. My mum made a huge thing about my first born and then it fizzled out and she barely knows my other 2. It’s so so sad for me and I’m sure for them later on when they realise. But my in laws are so great and make a big fuss and treat them all the same so I take some comfort in that.
I worry about what you said in your OP about your dad assaulting your mum.
It also looks like your sibling isn’t really invested either. Sorry OP

We usually stay two nights but that's difficult in a hotel. When we stayed with my parents we would arrive around 11pm and the kids would fall asleep in the car, we would pop them straight into bed. That's hard in a hotel where were all in one room and need to unpack etc. Kids are not great car travellers which makes it trickier. We wouldn't go up one day and back the next. The journey is exhausting.

@Chungai also I don’t know how your in laws are but for me it took seeing how my husbands family are to realise how little my family actually invested in me and how dysfunctional they are.

The in laws take slightly more interest and are a bit closer distance-wise but sadly we don't have an amazing relationship with either side. I can't remember the last time my parents in law came to visit us it was so long ago. And they are very capable and fit.

I think your violent father being uninterested in your children is probably a good thing if I'm honest.

Can your mother be supported to leave him?

Yes I'm wondering if this might be an option. DH is worried the kids will be upset if I go without them, which they will be. They love their GPs despite the lack of interest they are shown 😔

Your sibling won’t be there probably so seeing them and your niece is out and your parents don’t seem bothered

i would go in the summer when the weather is nicer and going a Airbnb perhaps half an hour or do away.

Probably not. It's very difficult as I'm not local. I tried to bring it up and how I was worried once I got home and she wouldn't speak to me for weeks. I told my sibling and I think my mum agreed to speak to her GP about it. I feel like I've been shut out of the conversation about it now.

At the time I did think about calling the police (it happened before we arrived but mum mentioned it to me a few hours before we left) but I know she would just deny it / say it was an accident. My mum needed to go to A&E, when she was pushed during an argument she fell backwards and hit her head hard on the kitchen floor.

My mum's mobility isn't so she relies on my dad for transport etc. And probably day to day companionship to an extent although she has a good group of friends I think. I suppose she thinks she's put up with his abusive shit for nearly 60 years, what's the point in leaving now?

Oh wow, I didn't expect you to say the kids would want to go, that's tricky! Amazing how forgiving kids can be. Would your Sib let you stay in their house when they're not there? I wouldn't hesitate for my sister but yours sounds a bit tricky.

They are saying they MIGHT / will probably go away, but they won't decide till last minute, so I would have to book accommodation as couldn't rely on it and being Easter weekend I imagine things would get booked up quickly.

Unless the kids were really excited/looking forward to the Easter trip already, I would leave it. If they are excited then I guess get as nice an Airbnb as you can afford and plan a couple of nice things to do out and about that doesn't involve GPs, and visit them for a couple of hours only each day?

Also to be fair to my mum she will take an interest in the kids when we're there, do things like suggest activities and games. They just don't really know each other that well so she won't do things that are actually their interests. It's hard as they are very active children with her mobility issues. She's very indoorsy - not someone who would sit in the garden watching them play football, for example.

Obviously my DC don't know about what happened with my dad. They know he's grumpy.

No they're not excited and don't know about it, although awkwardly they saw I was upset tonight before bed (i was crying over all this shit hence making the post) and I said I would be ok was just feeling a bit sad that I lived so far away from my family I grew up with.

Yes maybe this is the best option. The Airbnb scene there is miserable but maybe I just throw money at it.

You are pushing at a closed door.

Easter. A lovely 4-day holiday! Enjoy it with your DH and children, and spend the time thinking about why you would want to spend time ( impose youself) on people who clearly don't give a f@ck about spending time with you.

On a positive note, consider yourself off the hook for looking after your miserable parents ( but expect your sibling to inherit).

If they're not excited don't go! They don't know about the plan so just tell your parents you're not feeling very well and enjoy your break at home.

I agree with this. Stick to phone calls and build a relationship that way, it just sounds like going to see them is a formality and the time is spent in small talk. You guys sound like strangers.